Manly Monday: Twelve Angry Men

 Manly Mondays  18 Responses »
Jul 282008
 

I’ve been summoned for jury duty. Typically, I was able to get out of it because I never lived and voted in the same place. I was an absentee ballot voter for AGES. Now that I live, work and vote in New York (and I have an NY driver’s license), I’ve been summoned. There’s wifi in the juror’s holding room, hence I’m able to blog. But, needless to say, I’m pretty sure they don’t want me to blog about any details of the case — that’s if I’m selected. Right now, we’re all just waiting.

Part of me wants to be selected because it seems like the right thing to do. I started out pre-law in college, and several of my friends are lawyers. I have a really strong sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair. I’m lovin’ on the walls of justice. Plus, you know, I liked shows like Perry Mason and Cold Case. (Sidenote: I’ve named each of my fists — though, I’ve not selected “truth” and “justice.” My right fist is “Jackie Chan” and the left is “Chris Tucker.” But, I disgress.) That said, part of me really doesn’t want to be selected for the jury. What if it’s something really gruesome and horrible? I sooo don’t wanna look at pictures of mutilated children or some random shit like that.  :(

In the end, I’m pretty sure everyone sitting in the room with me right now feels the same way. Some really wanna be picked, some really don’t want to and most probably fall somewhere in the middle. How about you? Picture this: You open your mailbox and realize ‘re summoned for jury duty via that little red and white trifold paper. Do you: (A) scream “hell yeah” and get really excited about performing your civic duty or (B) scream “oh, fuck no!!” and try to get out of it?

Manly Monday: Why Do Men Date GILFs, MILFs and Other Older Women?

 About Men, About Women, Manly Mondays, Relationships  18 Responses »
Jul 212008
 

“Harold is 20, very rich and very suicidal. Maude is 79¾, very poor and so full of a sympathetic life-force that she grieves for a small tree, suffocating in the city’s pollution,” reads the original 1971 New York Times review of Hal Ashby’s cult classic Harold and Maude. Great flick. Rent it if you haven’t seen it. Best part? The hot cougar-on-cub GILF sex scene. Soooo worth it. Wondering “what does GILF stand for?” Let’s just say it’s a grandma I’d like to … “Whaaaaa? He boinks a grandma?” Yep.

Why this topic today? Well, like every Monday here at the brown (funky brown that is), it’s Manly Monday. I wanna talk about younger men who date older women because I recently randomly stumbled upon Wikipedia’s age disparity in sexual relationships page. (EVERYTHING is on that site these days, but that’s a topic for a different post.) Anyway, so, halfway down the page, I see the “motives” section. Factors leading into a search for a younger individual with whom to share an intimate relationship can vary wildly, they say. A common perception is that younger mates serve the purpose of a ‘trophy’, or object of status. Hmmm … methinks they had older men / younger women pairings in mind. After all, no one ever accuses older women who date younger men of hunting for ‘trophy husbands’ do they?

Long ago, circa 2001, I used to think men who lusted after older women had unresolved mommy issues. Now, I don’t believe those dudes are pathological at all. I think some men just like their women older. Period. But, I’m curious … Any guys out there have a preference for older women? Ladies, any of you have a preference for younger men? And, if so, why? I typically like younger men because they’re less likely to have exwives, “my exgirlfriend damaged me” issues, kids or other drama. Y’all know I can’t stand kids — unless, of course, they’re my nephews. But, I digress. So, spill it: Besides the sex, why do you think younger men and older women hook up?

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Related funky brown posts:

PS: Hope you all enjoyed great weekends!!! In case you were wondering what I did … I spent Friday night chowing on Dos Caminos‘ mole covered enchiladas and sipping margaritas with Kathy, Bro and Nashwa. Saturday, I saw The Last Mistress by myself, brunched at Rafaella in Chelsea with Desiree, went with Rachel and Nichelle to witness Neal Medlyn’s bulge in tighty whities and had Pinkberry fro-yo with Julie followed by drinks with a boy at Turks & Frogs down in the West Village. Sunday, I rested. Brunch with Karlyn and Bro followed by a quiet evening vegging at home.

Manly Monday: Jay Smooth is Not Barack Obama

 Manly Mondays  2 Responses »
Jul 142008
 

Oy vey. :) By now, I’m sure you’ve all seen the New Yorker cover. For many reasons, I’m not gonna rehash the “satire or racism” discussion. See that elsewhere on the web:

I’m an Illinois-bred Obamalover, but this isn’t his Monday. Today’s Manly Monday pick isn’t Barack (or Soulja Boy). It’s Jay Smooth. “And, who he hell is he?!?!” some of you might ask. Yes, dear readers, I’ve heard you. A couple of you emailed me to say some of my Manly Monday picks — such as Laird Hamilton — are obscure. But, you know what? I like it that way. Sometimes, I prefer to write about random dudes who’ve been on my mind (for whatever reason) rather than jump on the bandwagon to talk about the guy that everyone else is talking about. Hence, hip hop blogger Jay Smooth instead of Obama. You know, give the little guys some coverage.

I met Jay in New York at Feministing‘s party a couple months ago. He’s the guy Wired magazine calls “the hardest blogging man in hip-hop” and King magazine calls “a well spoken idiot.” He’s been on my mind recently because I saw him Saturday at The Museum on Chinese in America‘s “Rebuilding the Bridge.” My friend Julie invited me. It was a fundraiser for Sichuan earthquake victims; so, you know, I totally expected a “boring-but-this-is-for-a-good-cause” night out. Instead, I got a surprise visit by fucking NAS (still can’t believe he dropped by), a live Ryan Leslie performance, 1980s-style dj battles between Just Blaze and DJ Delinger, spoken word by Beau Sia and an appearance by the Jabbawockeez. Um, yeah, hot right? The themes for the night were kinda about hip hop, media, propanganda and social media — building our own creative products. Jay Smooth, of course, is doing just that. So, Kudos to him … and a big terrorist fist jab from my corner of the web to his.  ;)  Be back tomorrow, Tuesday, with less Manly Monday and more sex and dating.

Manly Monday: A Guy’s Perspective on Thr33somes

 Manly Mondays, New York Stories  17 Responses »
Jul 072008
 

Two girls. One guy. Thr33some. I asked my brilliant writer friend Royal Young to share his thr33some encounter with the FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com crowd for this magnificent Manly Monday. Royal’s great. You’re gonna read about this kid’s work in the papers one day. Seriously. His writing often makes me wish I was a piece of wide-ruled, loose-leaf notebook paper so he’d rub his big sexy pencil all over me. Seriously. It’s that good. For our purposes, he’s just having fun & giving us a smidgen — the “tip” if you will. Enjoy!

The Dick Side of the Thr33some Sheet

While discussing fine wines with Twanna at an East Village loft after party for a reading at Gramercy Park National Arts Club, she told me she had just had a thr33some. “I’m writing about my thr33some!” I exclaimed. Being a dude, I was eager to hear it from a ladies’ perspective, especially since the two ladies involved in mine had jilted me.

As Twanna recalled the sexy details of hers, I got jealous. I admired how wholesome her thr33some experience had been. Mine was in a bathroom at a New Year’s party with one curvy lezzie and a Kate Moss-esque friend from high school. After making out with both girls and feeling their breasts, I was just about to get their panties off when “Kate’s” drunk Russian mom started banging down the door. I forgot to mention we were at her mom’s New Years party, didn’t I? We disentangled ourselves and emerged to the revelries.

Somehow I got stuck with an obese 60 year old Russian woman and her young beefy hubbie who had married her for a green card, while “Kate” and lez ran off to go down on each other (I later found out). Bored, I got drunker and drunker with the Ruske couple. At some point I was so drunk I thought it might be a good idea to have a thr33some with them! Unluckily, they seemed to think the same thing.

“I have big Russian c0ck,” the husband laughed, slapping me on the back.

“I should leave,” I tried to get to my feet.

“Goodbye kiss!” the wife cried, clutching me in a firm grasp and thrusting her cold, wet tongue in my mouth.

“Your wife just kissed me man,” I said incredulously after I was released. “Does that mean you want a smooch too?”

“I’ll punch you!” The beefy Red screamed, suddenly taking offense. No loss. I rushed out of the slumbering apartment as “Kate” and lez emerged in a sexed out haze from a back room confusedly watching my escape.

So, why am I sharing TMI — of course, besides the fact that Twanna and I concluded fine wine gets you drunk and I have a crazy story to tell? Because I want FBC readers to know that people are weird. The weirdos aren’t the ones who write about their weirdness in an open, honest way. The ones we should worry about are the really whacked people who hide their secrets away, who pretend to be shocked and mortified at the “sluts” and “d1cks” who are simply trying to put all their human confusion down on paper or out in cyberspace to figure it all out.

I’m usually a pretty tame, lame guy. Although I yearn for Ms. Right, I am not beneath using Vaseline and porn instead of wanton sex until I find her. Sometimes thr33somes happen to onesome people — I’m just setting the record straight.

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Related link: Get your Pomp and Circumstance on!

Photo credit: Ali Loxton

Manly, Hot, Asian-American Men

 Manly Mondays  45 Responses »
Jun 182008
 

I’m reading today’s Asian Pop piece, Opening the box, by SF Gate columnist Jeff Yang. Great article, but I found part of it somewhat disturbing. It’s not the writer, it’s this chick Susan D he quoted. “I think people overthink and overanalyze the nature of romance.” Okay, okay I agree. “I just think Asian men are beautiful.” Sure, no prob; I’m right there with you sister. BUT, then Susan adds a warning to the folks who aren’t actively seeking to date Asian men. Basically, she’s like too bad, so sad for you because “That just means more men for me!” More for you, Susan? What a greedy little thing. I’m sure what she MEANT to say was, “That just means more men for me AND Funky Brown Chick.” Good thing Susan lives 46 states away from New York City or else faces would be slapped for leaving me out like that. ;)

Other interesting stuff from the article? “[S]tatistics show that ‘Asian man/black woman’ is the least common of all interracial combinations, representing less than 0.01 percent of all marriages in the United States — a total of just 6,000 couples across the entire country.” Change starts at home; I’m ready to be part of the solution.

I didn’t make the clip. The music? Hot. Some of the guys selected for the video? Not so hot. So, I was kinda inspired to create my own (more diverse) homage to Asian American men.

1. Sexy lips Naveen Andrews is the British Indian actor from Lost, 2. Retired NFL wide receiver Johnnie Morton shares African-American and Japanese heritage, 3. Supermodel Tyson Beckford is Chinese and Jamaican, 4. Keanu Reeves is the product of an English mother and American (Hawaiian) father of Chinese, Irish and Portuguese descent, 5. The American / South Korean actor, model, drop of deliciousness called Daniel Henney is too beautiful for words in this commercial with Gwyneth Paltrow ( … and he sings?!?!), 6. Filipino American actor Dante Basco shares my birthyear. Oh, if only we could share more intimate things … and, finally … Lucky #7. Takeshi Kaneshiro is Chinese and Japanese. He’s also sexy and beautiful. By the way, I TOTALLY forgot to include Dustin Nguyen in the image collage above. :( Remember him from 21 Jumpstreet? Keep an eye out; he’s been doing more film stuff lately.

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Related FBC post:
“Everyone ♥’s an Asian Boy“

Manly Monday: Open Letter to Pete Cashmore from Mashable

 Manly Mondays, Open Letters  15 Responses »
Jun 092008
 

Dear Pete (a.k.a. Mashable Dude):

“I know you,” you said as we bumped into each other at your party last Friday. “Yeah, we met at SXSW,” I reminded you. “Hmmm …” your face fell to a blank stare. You didn’t remember meeting me. “Uh, right, okay, so, everyone was drunk there. I don’t remember everyone I met either,” I said to soothe my wounded ego and to make you feel less awkward. But, I figured you knew me from my site. “You read FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com, yeah?”

“No.”

Shit. I felt stupid. If you didn’t get down with the funky brown, then I figured you knew me via one of our mutual connections. I suggested, “We’re both Vaynerchuk pals. You saw me on Gary’s show?” You politely shook your head and said, “Um …” You watch Wine Library TV; you probably missed the day I dropped by.

Now, I was stumped. You didn’t come to my SXSW talk. And, I doubted you read the girly mag Glamour so you didn’t read about my orgasm. You live somewhere out west, so you probably don’t read Time Out New York & didn’t see my erotic haiku. And, so on and so on. I was at a loss bro; I didn’t know which connection you had in mind.

“Twit-tah!” you said as the lightbulb went on. [NOTE TO USA READERS: British English translation to American English: Twit-tah = Twitter.]

You read my tweets. I felt so embarrassed. I wanted to morph into a tiny red ant, then crawl away and sting the hell out of someone so they’d stump me to a miserable end.

“You’ve been writing very nice things about me,” you smiled.

I assumed you meant the It should be a goddamned punishable sin to be that fucking fiiiiiiiine!!! stuff. For the record, I didn’t say that. I was quoting this brown woman. But, yes, I’ll fess up to something else … Being the silly little girls that we are, another brown woman (Tiffany B. Brown) and I jokingly became co-founding members of the Brown Girls Who Think Pete Cashmore Is Sexeh Club, LLC. Please forgive us. We all write stupid shit online without realizing people (sometimes) actually read that stuff.

Crawling back to the obscure hole from whence I came,

Twanna // FUNKY BROWN CHICK

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Related links:
Mashable
Pete on Valleywag
Open Letter to My Laptop
Open Letter to Dates Who Find My Blog
Open Letter to The Guy Who Sent Me Pictures of Himself Wearing a Thong
Open Letter To The Man Who Sent Me His Penis
To The One Who Tried to Poison Me

Interracial Dating: The Brown Chick Who Sometimes Dates White Dudes

 About Women, Manly Mondays, New York Stories, News and Politics, Relationships  44 Responses »
Apr 292008
 

Rewind to the weekend. I’m out with my friends Ify (African), Rochelle (black American) and Suja (Indian American?) — three brown women originally from different continents. At the end of the night, Suja has the brilliant idea to stop by Insomnia Cookies. Dependable, late night delivery and take out desserts. Delicious smells. Even more delicious tastes. How could you not love that place?! When it’s my turn to order, I choose a chocolate chip cookie with walnuts. “What kind of milk do you want with that?” the Latino guy behind the counter upsells me. “I like my milk like I like my men,” I joke. “White with no fat.” Bursts of laughter erupt from the three women in my group. The Latino cookie dealer doesn’t crack a smile. “He’s not touching that one with a ten foot pole,” Rochelle laughs. She knows I’m joking. The dude gives us our treats. We eat them. We go home. That random conversation doesn’t enter my mind again until I see a reader named Larry‘s comment about yesterday’s Manly Monday pick.

Do all of your Manly Monday picks [have to be] white guys? Do you only date white guys? I am not criticizing, I am just curious if you do only date white guys. Does that make you racist towards other races of men? That is the topic of my podcast/blog this week so I am trying to get your input.
[redacted URL]

Oooh, interracial dating! I can talk about that shit for hours. But, before we go there, I wanna set the record straight about Manly Mondays just in case I have new FBC readers who may not already know this stuff:

  1. I love men, so I created Manly Monday to give them a nod. All of them. :) Some MM picks are white (recently: Laird Hamilton and Paul Walker). Others — such as Lewis Hamilton, Denzel, Barack Obama, Morgan Freeman [shared with Casey Affleck for Gone Baby Gone], Stroger, and others — are not. And, as I mentioned the other day, the next Manly Monday is gonna be a sexy celebration of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month.
  2. The spirit of MMs is a celebration of every Y chromosome thing, not just particular men. Foxtrot your eyeballs to the right. You’ll notice many popular Manly Monday posts are about general guy stuff such as “How to Hide an Erection,” “Should Men Wear Thongs?” and other lovely topics about the bedicked.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let’s move to a different subject. The personal stuff. The “do you only date white guys” stuff. (Pssst! I’ve already covered this here and here if you want more details …)

I’ve kissed, licked, sucked and bedded many sexy, delicious white dudes. Hell, I once told a French Canadian ex that I was gonna buy him a box of chocolate-covered cherries “to remember me.” I pictured him using his pink lips to apply pressure to the soft, brown candy’s shell until it gently opened — oozing sweet juices down his chin & revealing the soft, round cherry hidden inside. He liked the visual on that one.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah … White dudes. Do I date them exclusively? Nope. I have a very loooong, extensive dating history. I’m not seeing anyone exclusively right now, but I’ve gone out with: white, black, Latino, Jewish, Middle Eastern, etc. etc. men.

“So, funky brown,” some of you might say. “If you don’t only date white guys, what was with the milk joke at Insomnia Cookies?”

Honestly? Shock value. (Juvenile, I know.) I was with a group of amazing women. It was the end of the night. We were tipsy. I was feeling a little punchy; so, I wanted to put the dude behind the counter on his toes. For better or worse, the topic of interracial dating still has that effect.

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RELATED MEDIA:

Who gets down with the funky brown? Everybody. :) FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com readers are fiercely loyal and steadily growing in number. I love my readers! Approximately 72% are really cool peach folks (there are more peach people online), and the site attracts about twice the internet average for brown people. Asian, Latino and international visitors are steady regulars at the party, too. Full disclosure? Getting down with the funky brown has universal appeal, baby! :)

RELATED BOOK CHOICE OF THE DAY:

RELATED LINK OF THE DAY:

Loving Day: Celebrate the legalization of interracial couples.

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Photo credit: The ever-fabulous brown American photographer in the Netherlands, Rachel James, took the milk and cookies photo.

Manly Monday Pick: Laird Hamilton

 Love Letters To You, Manly Mondays, Soccer  5 Responses »
Apr 282008
 

The dude in the water is Laird Hamilton. As you may know, we pay a homage the beautifully bedicked creatures of the earth on Manly Mondays … except when we do it on Tuesday or Wednesday; then, it’s either a Testicle Tuesday or Wanker Wednesday, respectively. But, whatever. Back to the flavor of the day. The dude in the water. I didn’t see or smell an ocean for the first time until I took a debut springtime trip to New York and moved to Los Angeles when I was 20. It sounds kind of stupid to say it, but I couldn’t really wrap my brain around the idea that the water was as deep as seven miles below eye level and extended its touch as far as Europe and Asia. I’ve lived in waterside places ever since: Chicago (Lake Michigan), Amsterdam (the Amstel), London (River Thames) and in Florida — as long as you’re in the state, you’re never more than an hour away from the deep blue.

I think the folks who use thin boards to walk on water are hot. Laird Hamilton didn’t invent surfing, ancient Polynesian cultures can claim that credit. Yet, this haole‘s contributions to surfing — and crossover board sports in general — can’t be overstated. When I think about it, Laird’s been in water longer than I’ve been on the planet. Crazy, huh? Anyway, discover him on your own by checking out his website, reading his Wikipedia entry or watching films like riding GIANTS. Big, drippy kisses go out to Vivicca Whitsett. She was the inspiration for today’s Manly Monday pick. She posted the YouTube clip below on my Facebook Fun Wall. Surfers PLUS soccer players? The sight was so beautiful I almost fainted. Seriously. I almost fucking fainted. In any case, I thought I’d share it with the group in case any of you out there like surfers and soccer players too. Enjoy!

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Photo credit: Image in today’s post appears online at Laird’s website. Check out his photo gallery. He’s hot. ;)

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