From the category archives:

Open Letters

Open Letter to The Guy Who Sent Me Pictures of Himself Wearing a Thong

Dear Bethonged Reader,

When I opened my email inbox last week, I must admit that I was a little surprised to receive your message. Don’t get me wrong. After all, I publish my email address because I actually *like* to hear from my readers. I don’t always respond to everything because I’m bad at keeping up with email, but I do indeed read everything. Actually, I’ve become quite accustomed to receiving all kinds of interesting things via email. Remember the guy who sent me a picture of his penis? Oh, and, don’t even get me started on the barrage of spam emails that offer me the latest and greatest news about breakthroughs in penis enlargement. But, I digress. This letter is not about that. This letter is about you. You and your thong:

You. Are. A. Very. Special. Person. I wish to highly commend you for your courageousness and your outstandingly perfect ass. It’s obvious that you work out. Good job son. I was so moved by your decision to pose (electronically) as a thong-model, that I am devoting the Manly Monday post for Monday, February 26th to your thong. Specifically, the snug little black one in the top photo.

Now, before I close this letter, I want be sure to say thank you for reading my blog. I can only assume that you sent the pictures in response to my “Should Men Wear Thongs” post. At the same time … Please know, when I typed “I want to see a guy in a thong”, I didn’t *really* expect anyone to send pictures. I’m just a goofball with a computer, a blog and two fingers that know how to type. It’s important that you not take everything I say on FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com literally.

All the best to you … and your collection of thongs.

Sincerely,

FUNKYBROWNCHICK

{ 17 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Open Letter To The Man Who Sent Me His Penis

Dear Exhibitionist Reader,

You know who you are. And, just out of curiosity … what, pray tell, inspired you to do that???? I mean, really, when I opened the email with the subject header “Maybe You Wanna Blog About This” (or something like that), I never in my wildest dreams expected to see an image of a penis. Especially not your penis. Because, well, I don’t even know who you are.

I’ll have you know that I innocently opened your email WHILE AT WORK . I got so freaked out that I immediately hit the delete button. In the future, my exhibitionist friend, should you ever feel the uncontrollable desire to send me another photo of your penis, please mark the email “NSFW.”

Many thanks,
The Funky Brown Chick

PS: To everyone else … Happy Manly Monday & Happy MLK Day.

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Don’t forget to tune in to my internet radio show, Dating Roadkill, tonight! It’s easy; remember, when the clock below strikes 10PM, just click the image below to listen live on BlogTalkRadio. (Once you’re on that page, click the link that says “Click to Listen” near the top right corner.)

I Have a Talk Show

{ 14 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Reader Appreciation / Open Letter to Kyla

Hiya! It’s me. The Funky Brown Chick. I don’t know you and you don’t know me but, the other day while scanning various blogs, I stumble across your site and I think: “Ooh, goody, this person links to me!” But, then I get a closer look. And, I grow slightly distressed. Now, Kyla, I should probably first explain — with complete sincerity & without an ounce of sarcasm — that I always feel really honored when other bloggers like my blog enough to link to it. I’m just, you know, a bit shocked to see what *you’ve* written about my blog. On your site, you have two lists of bloggers. About the bloggers in the first list, you say: “these lives interest me.” The bloggers in the other list? About them you say the following [and I quote]: “don’t know if I’d necessarily recommend them, but I read them sometimes.” Sadly, of course, FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com is on that list.

Kyla, Kyla, Kyla. Sweetie, I’m hurt. Why don’t you have cyberlovin’ for me? Do I smell? Does The Funky Brown Chick offend you? Is there too much mention of boobies & boys around here? I’m not quite sure what it is, but I can only hope to gain your affection one day. SO, here’s hoping that you might eventually read my blog more often than “sometimes”. And, maybe, if I’m lucky, you’ll recommend FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com to your readers one day. Until then, I dedicate this Reader Appreciation Day to you, my sweet. So, let the lovin’ begin …

I *Heart* You People! This reader Appreciation Day celebrates the following blogs because they link to the FBC: To i mean business [Yes, Kyla, that's you], Green Apple Martini, Land of AWE, Darwin Awards – Why Not?, One Fine Day, But Enough About You, Rhyme of the Day, Canadian Down Under, Everything I Know, Christy Needs to Blog, The Miscellaneous, Mischievous Misadventures of Missbhavens [*], On the Rant Again, A Think Tank of One, House of cats[*], Erigby – She Likes it Raw, Hello Like Before, Savoir-faire, Poppy Cedes, The Write Grrl, From the Edge of a Precipice,The Web Pen Blog, | – || BeXMeiSteR StrEEt || – |, I’m not really a complete dork – I just play one on The Internet, St. Disgruntled (The patron saint of hate)[*], life’s a commotion![*], Twirled, African American Opinion, Weird Dating Mail, Mazingamy.blogspot.com, Acting Blonde, Confessions of a Geeky Blogger, and The Next Chapter; to the “dearly departed” and deeply missed blogs that have not been updated in months (i.e. Sublimely Mundane, blog crack, Tiger Wasteland, Mint Chutney, and others); and, finally, to the bloggers that I’ve met in person: Maria from Maiden New York (in a post on her blog, this sexy chick uses words like “intelligent”, “very attractive”, and “petite” to describe me … and, for that, I love her), BelleDame from Fetch me my axe[*], The Fake Doctor from Ah Yes, Medical School[*], Nics from Much Work Ahead, Sid from Siddity in the City, and Sober from Three New York Women …

I appreciate you! Thanks for supporting this blog.

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See “[*]” after your blog? That’s meant to publicly shame you into updating. :) I moved to FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com months ago; remember to update your link.

{ 24 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Dear Sexually Satisfied Hobo

To the homeless woman who now has my vibrator, I say this … Believe it or not, it was NOT my intention to give that to you. You may not know this, but I’m in the process of moving. And, as with every move, something gets lost. I just didn’t expect to lose my vibrator. And, I certainly never expected to give it to someone else.

But, I should have seen it coming. As I’m packing earlier that evening, I divide all of my bathroom stuff up into “Things I Want to Throw Away” and “Things I Want to Keep”. I take a box downstairs to the curb. Waste not, want not. I’m sure SOMEONE can use the extra rolls of tissue, bars of soap, and out-of-season beauty products. Besides, it’s New York. It’s a proven fact that anything left unattended here for more than 5 minutes WILL get stolen. And lo and behold, as predicted, my box was gone within seconds. Did you take it, my dear sweet homeless friend?

Ah, the box. Unfortunately, in a fit of utter madness and confusion that only comes with moving, I put the KEEPERS on the curb instead of the throwaways. And, I don’t realize it until later than night when I ask myself, “Where’s my toothbrush?” Gone. The most important box in the sea of brown boxes is gone. My $70 rotational oscillating power toothbrush? Gone. My organic shampoo from Italy? Gone. Oh, my lovable homeless friend, I really hope that you pamper yourself with my vitamin-enriched, waterproof, great lash mascara. And, may the cracks in your lips be healed by my cherry-flavored lip balm. Everyone deserves a little luxury from time to time, right? So, trust me when I say this to you my vagabond amiga … I’m glad that SOMEONE is getting good use out of my $75 sex toy imported from Sweden—even if that someone isn’t me anymore.

{ 16 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

To The One Who Tried to Poison Me

Remember me? Yeah, I’m the woman who ordered the red curry special on my way home last night. Remember? I placed my order before the two guys in the suits placed theirs, but you brought them their food first. I asked you when my food was coming and, well, you got a little lippy. I thought the attitude was unnecessary and I wasn’t happy about it. I let you know it. You brought my food. I went home and started eating it. After using my chopsticks to shovel 7 heaps of food into my mouth, I was on to you. My eyes watered. My nose ran. “That fucking bitch poisoned me,” I thought. But, no … you didn’t. You just made my food so spicy that my tongue almost caught fire. Oh, you think you’re funny, huh? Well, pull that shit again and I’ll bitch-slap your ass all the way to the other side of Manhattan …

{ 18 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

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