Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Taking Care of Business (and Self)

As a kid running outside playing chase, double dutch or other games with my friends, whenever I needed to stop for a bit — to pee, tie my shoe or whatever — I’d hold up my hands in a “T” and say “TIME OUT!” As an adult, I still do this. I don’t do the T-sign anymore, but I take breaks. No need to get into the specifics about all of the stuff that’s been eating my time lately; everyone’s busy and I’m sure many of you can relate to periods in your life where you’ve had to juggle a shitload of stuff simultaneously.

In any case, I’m coming off of a “time out.” Last week, I didn’t update the blog as much as I usually do and I scaled back on a bunch of other stuff. Instead, I caught up on the phone with Abiola, Rachel and other friends I hadn’t spoken to in a while; met up with Wilma & her son Denware (two FBC readers visiting NY from The Netherlands); went to see Paranormal Activity with Bro and Elsie; checked out other fun stuff in the city; and tended to personal matters. Also, today, I scheduled down time to take care of random business & enjoy an extended weekend.

I’m grateful anyone reads this site at all, and I feel bad when I don’t stick to my typical schedule of posting new content. That said, this time, I really needed a break. So, no apologies — just heartfelt thanks for your patience and understanding. Now, on with the show. I’ll post a new Manly Monday in a second but, this week, I can’t promise I’ll update every day. So, if you’d like a more regular Funky Brown Chick fix, there’s always Twitter.

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October 26th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Domestic Pleasures: Sexpot in the Kitchen

I like my new apartment so much I’ve actually started cooking in it. :) I used these ingredients and more to make Spicy Vegetarian Chili w/ Ground Turkey. Here are the results. I think I’ll finish the final leftovers this afternoon.

September 16th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [10] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Deeply Penetrating Thoughts About The P3nis

[phone conversation. 8:58pm, Monday, August 24, 2009]

BRO: I have three points to make about your last post.

ME: Uh-oh.

BRO: I’m very disturbed. Do you REALLY think white European dudes aren’t WHITE?!

ME: They’re different. Seriously, ask an Irish person: ‘Are you WHITE?’ And they’ll think you’re kind of racist or whatever. Seriously, in Europe, the idea of “race” smacks of 1930s and 1940s eugenics / Hitler shit. Ethnic groups? Yes. Cultures? Yes. But, they wouldn’t understand and believe in the social construct of “race” in the same way Americans do.

BRO: That’s some mumble-jumbo bullshit. They’re white. Your exes were white.

ME: Whatever. I’ve dated white American guys. It’s not the same.

BRO: Ok. Fine. Whatever. Second point. Did you REALLY expect to see brown people on deviantART?

ME: Yes. I think black people should do whatever kind of art we want too.

BRO: That’s not the point. It’s just not what we do. It’s not that we shouldn’t or we can’t. It’s just, you know, most of us just don’t.

ME: Whatever. I’m on deviantART.

BRO: I’m just saying … MOST black people aren’t. Look at their site. They don’t have pictures of black people.

ME: That’s because there’s a bunch of stupid shit people believe about what’s “appropriate” for different people. It’s clannish and everybody deals with that in some way or other. People say “Asians don’t do blah blah blah” or “South Side Irish in Chicago shouldn’t do blah blah blah.”

BRO: Whatever. I’m just saying.

ME: Anyway. Whatever. You said you had a third point?

BRO: Okay, so, I read your post. So, do you mean to tell me — the next time I come to your house — there’s gonna be “The Peen” looking at me while I’m peeing? That’s gross. I mean, imagine: You’re in the bathroom and there are penises everywhere just looking at you!?!? There’s like a third eye thing just staring at you?!?! That’s weird!!! My pee might get scared of that and go back in my body.

ME: Whatever.

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August 24th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [21] folks got down with the Funky Brown

In Pictures: The Little Silver Dress

This is one of my favorite dresses.

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June 23rd, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown

A Good Breakup Song: Before the Hatred

I’ll answer yesterday’s questions early next week. In the meantime, I started writing a post about music. I didn’t finish it before going to be and APPARENTLY, I hit “publish” instead of “save.” So, if you got here between 3am (when I published the post) and 7am (when I woke up and realized what happened), this page probably looked like a lot of gibberish and half-complete thoughts. Okay, moving right along, on with the post … I updated my iPod again recently. Music always reminds me of random things and people. Many many years ago, I was in love with a French guy. You probably know the story because, maybe, you’ve had a similar situation … I thought he was ridiculously handsome, smart and genuinely a really funny guy. We’d been going on dates for several months, but we weren’t exclusive. I didn’t want to see anyone else, but I knew he did. So, I pretended it was okay. Of course that didn’t work. Sitting across dinner tables with different dudes only reminded me how much I’d rather be with the French guy. So, Le Frenchie (because he was a smart little thing) started to figure it out: I liked him much more than he liked me. Eventually, he granted me the greatest kindest he could ever give anyone in that predicament: he ended things. It hurt like hell, but I’d rather be sad that we weren’t dating than pissed because he’d strung me along. Months passed. I got over him … in so much as anyone’s ever truly “over” requited love.

Two summers ago, I attended the New York premiere of Dans Paris at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. (Or, “BAM” as us locals call it.) There’s a song in it that reminds me of him and every other guy who hasn’t liked me as much as I liked them or vice versa. If you’re not into snotty French New Wave cinema and/or really slow-moving independent films, you’ll hate Dans Paris. If you like that stuff, it’s worth renting it on Netflix. The song starts during this sappy scene where two lovers realize their relationship is over. The guy is depressed, suicidal and bearded. He hasn’t shaved in weeks. Having just finished crying, the woman (his ex) is getting ready for bed. Alone. He calls her from his apartment and they sing this really beautiful tune back and forward to each other. The song, “Avant la haine” (”Before the Hatred”), is in French but the gist of it is: I’ve got a really good idea … let’s “avoid the unbearable” and get out of this while the gettin’ is still good. Before we hate each other. Before we’re screaming and shouting about how much we can’t stand each other. “Before the sorrow and the disgust. Let’s break up now, please.” It’s really beautiful. It reminds me of the Frenchman and other relationships when I’ve stumbled into that sad, lonely moment where my partner and I were both fully aware that we liked each other; yet, for whatever reason, we also knew it wasn’t going to work. Breakups are rarely easy. The decision to get out is rarely black and white. And, NOT hating someone doesn’t make it any easier to break up with them or have them break up with you. Video below. Lyrics in English and French follow.

Technorati Tags: Avant la Haine, breakup, breakups, Dans Paris, dating, divorce, French, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, heartache, heartbreak, lyrics, Men, music, song, songs, Twanna A. Hines, unrequited love, women

June 5th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Soon, My Sweeties. Soon.

Okay, I admit it. My my recent post was admittedly disjointed. I started off writing about the possible TV gig, but then I realized I probably shouldn’t write about it because it’s soooooo not a sure thing at all (just an audition) plus I’m not sure how much I can talk about it anyway. So, then I started writing about all the random stuff I’ve ended up doing in New York over the past four or five years — much of which I never thought I’d do. So, then I started talking about how I don’t “feel” like a New Yorker even though I’ve lived here longer than I’ve lived anywhere else as an adult. That made me think, “Yeah, well, shit. I didn’t really feel ‘at home’ in rural Illinois either.” So, yada yada yada. I re-read the post and I was like, “Damn. Um, that was totally random and scattered.” But, I guess it was an honest reflection of how I feel lately.

Next week. By exactly this time next week (Monday, May 18th), I’ll be able to tell you more about the “stuff” that’s been going. Until then, I can’t write about what I want to write about, so my posts are probably going to sound totally random. You know what it’s like? It’s kind of like when you’re having a conversation with someone and you hit this part where you can’t talk about something so you change the subject. Example:

YOU: So, how are thing going with … what’s his name? Bob, right?

RANDOM FRIEND: We broke up.

YOU: Oh, um, okay. Sorry. I didn’t know that.

RANDOM FRIEND: Yep, I walked in on him fucking my sister and my best friend in a threesome, so that pretty much ended it.

YOU: Oh, God. Wow. Um. Ooh. Um. I mean. Um, yeah. [Awkward silence.] So, how’s work going? How’s your mom?

That’s what Friday’s post what like. Only, of course, without the context. So, like, I’m writing about sexy older women … partying with friends … snooping on dates … interracial dating. Then, I go dark for like almost a week. I come back talking about … wait for it, wait for it … subway graffiti and gentrification. I shit you not, I got a couple emails from readers that simply read: “Um, are you okay????”

I’m fine. Stick with me, folks. Trust me, I’ll have news soon.

Anyway, until then and on a completely different note, you may have noticed I haven’t responded to comments in the comments section lately. There’s a reason for that. I tried out a commenting system (Disqus), but enough of you emailed me to complain and/or say you preferred the other system, so I disabled it. I’m revamping the site again to add (among other things) an enabled threaded comments section again. I just haven’t had time to do that yet. I’m reading all the new comments in the meantime. And, once the new comment feature is enabled, I’ll respond to you guys as usual.

Okay, it’s almost midnight. I’m going to bed. Just wanted to shoot you a quick update to let you know what’s going on. As always, thanks for reading. I look forward to sharing good news with you next Monday. In the meantime, I’ll keep posting new stuff on the site as usual. You’re hereby forewarned: it might be a little disjointed. :)

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May 10th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Is It Okay to Snoop on Your Dates?

This week is going to be a little insane — – socializing, working on financial stuff, dating, looking at apartments, editing my book, a couple Tribeca Film Festival events, etc. It’s my own fault. I’m horrible at compartmentalizing my life, and I easily overwhelm. When that happens, I withdraw — the rationale being, “I have so much stuff to do that I don’t even know where to start, so I’m not going to do anything.” The result? I get even more overwhelmed because I have even more to do. And, not to mention, I feel like I’m letting other people down. More about that later. For now, I’ll just tell you about a guy.

A  month or so ago, I meet a Polish dude who says he was a doctor. We go on a few dates. I haven’t written about him before because, during one of our early conversations, he told me he reads this site because he searched for my name online. When you google Twanna A. Hines, either Funky Brown Chick or my writing portfolio (TwannaHines.com) is usually the first hit.

“Why don’t you like to kiss on the mouth?” The Polish doctor asks me.

“What are you talking about?” I’m confused because, of course, I LOVE kissing on the mouth. And on the neck. And on the torso. And below the belly button …

“I saw one of your interviews and you said you don’t like to kiss on the mouth.”

“What are you talking about?!?!?!? I would never say that.”

“I saw you say it. You were talking with a British girl, and you said you don’t like to kiss on the mouth!”

“Ohhhhhh!” Slow on the uptake. [Remembers he's ESL and doesn't know American expressions. Talks slower.] “You mean the interview with Zoe?! I soooo didn’t say I didn’t like KISSING. I said I don’t like PISSING in the mouth; I said I won’t let a  man piss in my throat.”

So, now the Polish dude seems disgusted that I even talk about these things. Whatever. Life’s too short and I sooo can’t worry about what some random guy thinks about what OTHERS say. Anyway. Different, albeit it related, topic: Using the internet to snoop about your dates. I freely admit I’m a paranoid freakshow who assumes most Manhattan men I don’t know very well are willing to lie about damn near anything (their jobs, criminal backgrounds, marital status, etc.) to get a bit of ass. So, of course, I google the Polish dude, right? Guess what happens? Nothing comes up. Seriously. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Rien. Creepy, right?

“How do you you live your life as a doctor and go to conferences and stuff,” I ask a friend and her boyfriend, “without showing up online anywhere? Like, ANYWHERE?”

“Dude,” my friend’s boyfriend responds, “how to do you live your life PERIOD without showing up online somewhere? That’s weird.”

Good point. So, I start snooping. I go to the New York State site that verifies all regulated professions to check if the Polish guy is really a doctor. Guess what? His name doesn’t come up. Unfortunately, I don’t have a chance to ask the guy about it because: (1) I stopped calling him and he hasn’t called me since and (2) it would’ve been weird to say, “So, yeah, um, WTF? I was stalking you online the other day and I couldn’t verify your credentials. What’s going on?” So, here’s a question for you: Is it okay to snoop on your dates, boyfriends, lovers or others with whom you share the covers? And, if so, would you confront them if the info you found didn’t match up with the stories they’ve told you?”

Technorati Tags: boyfriends, cheating, dates, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, girlfriends, lovers, married, snooping, Twanna A. Hines

April 28th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [16] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Why I Love My Friends (Conversation: Me and Bro)

BRO: I don’t get people who call New Yorkers on their office phones after 6:00pm. Go home, already!

ME: New York is an international city. It’s always “office hours” somewhere in the world, no? Maybe the person is calling from abroad or something and they don’t realize it’s “quitting time” in Manhattan.

BRO: I guess. When you say it like that, it makes sense.

ME: Exactly! Right now in Indonesia, there’s a little kid working the late shift in a factory so you can buy an overpriced basket in some chic import store a couple weeks from now.

BRO: But that kid wouldn’t call New York because they don’t have fingers or eyes anymore. Remember? They’re working with in a factory. Do you really think those child workers making 5 cents for 3 hours of work use office phones? Do you?!?!

ME: You’re too much.

April 24th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown