Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Why I Love My Friends (Conversation: Me and Bro)

BRO: I don’t get people who call New Yorkers on their office phones after 6:00pm. Go home, already!

ME: New York is an international city. It’s always “office hours” somewhere in the world, no? Maybe the person is calling from abroad or something and they don’t realize it’s “quitting time” in Manhattan.

BRO: I guess. When you say it like that, it makes sense.

ME: Exactly! Right now in Indonesia, there’s a little kid working the late shift in a factory so you can buy an overpriced basket in some chic import store a couple weeks from now.

BRO: But that kid wouldn’t call New York because they don’t have fingers or eyes anymore. Remember? They’re working with in a factory. Do you really think those child workers making 5 cents for 3 hours of work use office phones? Do you?!?!

ME: You’re too much.

April 24th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

This is What It’s Like to Be Hard of Hearing

I have permanent congenital hearing loss in both ears. When I was a little girl, the first time I told someone I’m hard of hearing, I think I was in fifth grade. The conversation at my school’s recess went something like this:

The Girl: TWAAAAANNA!!!
ME: What?
The Girl: Are you deaf?!?!? I’ve been calling your name.
ME: I didn’t hear you. I’m hard of hearing.
The Girl: [laughs, doesn't believe me] What?
ME: No, seriously. I was born with hearing loss and I’ve had surgeries on both of my ears.

So, of course — because kids can be shitty little assholes — the girl proceeded to pretend she was using sign language and did a so-called “mock retard” move by beating her hand against her chest. Thinking about it now makes me laugh because it was so fucking ridiculous. But, then again, I’m several decades removed from the experience and pain. Perhaps, I should’ve had thicker skin as a child. I didn’t. So, it really hurt my feelings.

We moved around a bunch when I was a kid. I was often the new girl who didn’t have friends in school, and I didn’t really fit in. I’m not a special case; I’m sure lots of people felt out of place in elementary, junior high or high school. Each of us has our own scars. One of mine is that I was sensitive about my hearing loss — mainly, because it was invisible. If I was Deaf, maybe I’d speech read, speak with a deaf accent or use ASL. And, of course, people would think it was insensitive to make jokes about my situation. But, I wasn’t deaf; I just couldn’t hear very well and it wasn’t something you’d notice unless you knew the signs. I still have them.

• My television is never on without closed captioning.
• During summer, if we’re in a room with an oscillating fan, I’ll turn it off or move away from it. You see, the background hum of the motor’s whirl blends with your voice and my ears can’t segregate which sounds are words and what’s just noise.
• Men with really deep voices who mumble annoy the shit out of me. I can’t hear them, and they frustrate easily when I repeatedly ask, “Huh? Sorry? What did you say?”
• If I’m on a street corner and you call out my name from the distance, I’ll spin in all directions to find you because I can’t tell from which direction your voice came.
• If we’re in a crowded place like a bar, I’ll lean into you much closer than others so I can actually hear you.
• In some cases, I’ve had a few people SHOUT at me when I tell them I’m hard of hearing. You need only speak louder; you don’t have to yell at me.

“Can’t you get a hearing aid?” people often ask. Hearing aids (and, quite frankly, sound in general) are more complex than I thought before I started really getting into this stuff. The quick and dirty is this: When people hear the phrase hearing loss, they typically think of old folks. Grandma and gramps aren’t “sexy,” so a lot of innovation in this arena isn’t as strong as it could be …. kind of like how HIV/AIDS didn’t get mass attention until Ryan White got it. My guess? Research about hearing loss will matter more when more people who “matter” lose their hearing. Come on boomers!!! I’m holding out for you!!! But, I digress.

In case you were wondering what any of this has to do with sex, dating or relationships … Rewind to last night. I’m reviewing a sex-related movie that hasn’t come out yet. The film’s people sent me an advanced copy so I’ll actually know what I’m talking about when I interview the director the next day. Sitting on my couch, I’ve just popped a bag of Orville Redenbacher’s yummy microwave popcorn and I slip the DVD into the player. No closed captioning. I’m used to it. Because screeners are rarely captioned, it takes me 1.5 – 2.0X as long to watch them, rewinding and replaying the parts where people talked so softly that I couldn’t hear them. (You’d be surprised how often actors mumble on camera!) Ah, hearing loss. It’s certainly not tragic; it just is what it is.

Technorati Tags: closed captioning, Deaf culture, deafness, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, hard of hearing, presbycusis, Twanna A. Hines

April 21st, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [12] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Big Boys, Small World.

I’m originally from Illinois. I lived in Los Angeles, London and elsewhere, but I now live in New York City. Last year in Austin, I randomly met a guy from London who knows a guy I know from my time in Los Angeles because they used to work together in the UK. Follow that? I lived in LA and met Guy #1. I lived in London, but never met Guy #2 until we were both randomly in Austin, TX. Guy #1 and Guy #2 know each other because they were coworkers who hung out in London. And, the only way our trio discovered the connection is … get this … Facebook. (I was on Guy #2’s page and noticed Guy #1’s smiling face in the mutual friends column then sent a “Heeeey, how do you know ___?” message.)

For the record, although I’m a fan of friends with benefits, I’ve never slept with either dude. I never asked them if they slept with each other because they’re flaming heterosexuals who shamelessly flaunt their sexuality: Guy #1, the Californian, has a long-term girlfriend and the other, Guy #2 — the Brit, go figure — flirts like a maniac. They’re both quirky, sweet, little cutie pies. Oh wait, shit! Dudes hate on the word “little.” Okay, so, Guy #1 and Guy #2 are ENORMOUS. HUGE, cervix-tapping guys. ;) Big boys, small world huh? Anyway. Do you have a crazy “It’s a Small World” story? I’m sure someone’s got a juicy tale about running into an old fling, finding out their date was really their cousin or some other goofy “small world” story. Share it in the comments section.

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Credit paid: Globe image is by Sachin Ghodke
Related link: Free podcast download – This American Life. Episode 374: Somewhere Out There.

Technorati Tags: Facebook, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Twanna A. Hines

February 24th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Apologies for the Randomness

I feel scattered, so this post will come off a little disjointed. Several things on my mind. I want to write about them all, but I don’t have any fully fleshed out thoughts about any of them.

Emails from Readers: I put my contact information on my site because I actually like to hear from you guys. You send me feedback and encouraging messages. Some of you suggest writing topics. And, some of you ask for dating advice. As I’ve said before, I’ve been reluctant to call myself a “dating expert” or a “dating advice columnist” or whatever the hell the widely accepted term is for those who publish stuff on relationships like I do. Everyone has the right to learn from their mistakes, get hurt, pick themselves back up and try again. I’ve learned (and will keep learning) from my mistakes; at the same time, that doesn’t give me the right to prevent others from making theirs. That said, a few recent readers email have been touching / sad / moving enough that I actually want to address the topics publicly (without identifying anyone, of course). More on that next week.

New York City Plane Crash. I hate flying, so I get drunk before boarding planes. It calms my nerves frayed from long lines at security, overpriced food at the gate, the lack of legroom, brain-rattling screams from babies in the cabinet, etc. etc. Don’t get me wrong; I love traveling. I just don’t like flying. So, by now you’ve all seen this picture (taken by Janis Krums) and heard the news about Captain Sully (Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger, III) after he landed his plane in the Hudson after a bunch of geese brought down US Airways Flight 1549. (Psst! Watch this video to see how/why birds bring down flights.) Crazy, huh? And, because I’m a goofball who actually thinks about these things, I wondered: What does an airline’s website say when a flight crashes? In case you’re curious too, I took this screenshot. My next flight isn’t until March, but this story definitely assuages my fear of flying: some crashes end up okay w/ no casualties.

Finishing My Book. I’ve written a posts about my book and several of you have asked how that whole thing works. I’ll write a full post about the process at a later date. Basically, I started “fully” writing it last year. I’m finishing it this year. The way it’s currently architected, there are 11 chapters. I’ve written most of them. A couple of people (editors, publishers, whatnot) have already expressed interest. More details soon.

Turning Older: My birthday is next week. I’m too old for a quarterlife crisis, too young for a midlife crises. Still, I’m kind of freaking out about the b-day. It’s not so much the “aging” stuff that’s got me freaked out. I don’t care about that. It’s more about the “life track” stuff. Am I making the right decisions in my career? Should I be saving more money? etc. etc. I talked about this in my last e-update. If you’re on my private mailing list you already know that. If you don’t receive the update and you’d like to, join the list. (Option #4.)

Barack Obama: Speaking of 1/20 … This year, I’m getting a new president for my birthday. What are you getting for yours? ;) On Sunday, friends and I are traveling from New York to DC. I’ll stay there till Wednesday. I’ve got a bunch of college friends, high school friends, people I know from my time in Amsterdam and others in the city. I can’t wait to see everyone. And, of course, I’m excited about the inaugural festivities!!! Details soon. :)

Dating Life: Oh shit. Um, yeah, whatever. Let’s not even go there.

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama, Captain Sully, Captian Sully, Chesley Sullenberger, Flight 1549, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, Janis Krums, Twanna, Twitpic, US Airways

January 16th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [12] folks got down with the Funky Brown

FYI: I Like to Hoop It Up :)

Watch a video of me hula hooping. (I had it embedded, but I removed it because I can’t stand autostart videos.)

Technorati Tags: BigAssPeaceHoop.com, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, hula hoop, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

December 14th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [20] folks got down with the Funky Brown

101 Things That Are Totally Twanna

A guy friend who reads this site tells me the “Twanna” he knows in person sometimes doesn’t match up with “The Funky Brown Chick” he reads about on this blog. Apparently, “Twanna” is smart; “Funky Brown Chick” is a sexpot. Ah, the Madonna-Whore Complex! ;) Heterosexual dudes wanna marry a good girl and fuck a bad girl. Or, to describe it without using the word “fuck”, our good clean friends at Wikipedia say the Madonna-Whore Complex is: “a dilemma where men may feel unable to love any women that can satisfy them sexually and are unable to be sexually satisfied by any women that they can love.” Two things: (1) I like my definition better than Wikipedia’s and (2) I think I’m the same person online and offline. Interestingly enough, in April 2007, I wrote a post called Ourselves as Others See Us. Funky Brown Chick readers who’ve never met me described me the same way friends who’ve known me offline for years would. For curious minds, here are 101 things you may or may not know about Twanna “The Funky Brown Chick” Hines:

1. I believe in God.
2. I go to church on Sundays.
3. I am hard of hearing; I watch television with closed captioning.
4. I have dated a ton of dudes from Europe — mostly Germany, Denmark, England, Spain, France, The Netherlands, etc., etc.
5. I am a sucker for men with accents.
6. I was in Math Club (Mu Alpha Theta … a.k.a. “MATh”) in high school.
7. I taught statistics in grad school.
8. I have been to two sex clubs — one off premises, one on premises.
9. I have had a threesome.
10. I don’t have vaginal sex without condoms.
11. I don’t typically use condoms during oral sex.
12. I am left-handed.
13. I used to abduct my friends during college and take them on glamorous 20-minute excursions called “Pure Fun” … but it usually wasn’t much more than a trip to the local Steak & Shake.
14. I got a car for my 16th birthday, and I kept it until I was almost 30.
15. I sleep with a stuffed animal called Twannadog when I feel lonely; I’ve had it since I was in 6th grade.
16. I have lived in Illinois, California, Florida and New York.
17. I lived in Europe over a period of four years in The Netherlands (The Hague and Amsterdam) and England (Canterbury and London).
18. I worked in international affairs before I switched careers and became a writer.
19. I used to analyze international economic policy for an American Embassy.
20. I was an audience member for the gameshow Price Is Right and I saw Bob Barker.
21. I shook Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s hand during a rally. I told him, “I voted for you!” He smiled and said, “Aww, you’re great!”
22. I have a picture with former Secretary of State Madeline Albright.
23. I volunteered on Barack Obama’s state senator campaign before anyone outside my homestate knew who he was.
24. I was a finalist on MTV gameshow “Singled Out” with Jenny McCarthy and Chris Hardwick. Jenny McCarthy is now, well, Jenny McCarthy. Chris Hardwick performs a comedy duo gig called “Hard and Phirm.”
25. I once stalked Matt Damon, but it was totally innocent. He even smiled & laughed at me because I acted like such an idiot by yelling: “Oh. Maaaaah. Gawd. That. Is. Matt. Damon!!!!”
26. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was in my 20s.
27. I had braces on my teeth for several years to correct a massive overbite.
28. I was IN LOVE with George Michael in the 80s and 90s and I’m still going strong in the 00s.
29. I went to the NKOTB reunion concert.
30. I have never been married and I don’t have any desire to do so.
31. I do not have kids and I’m very happily childfree.
32. I secretly fear I’ll grow old alone because all my friends who already are and/or want to get married and have kids won’t have time for me once they have families of their own.
33. I like kissing boys. A lot.
34. I have no desire to be in a poly or open relationship; I like old-fashioned, monogamous guys who want to call me their girlfriend and want me to call them my boyfriend.
35. I am a closet romantic.
36. I love PDA. When I’m dating, if I could only kiss the guy in private, it would dramatically reduce the number of times we get to kiss.
37. I am allergic to cats.
38. I am really bitchy and grumpy when I wake up before I’ve had enough sleep (i.e. when others wake me up).
39. I have a weird fear of death and I don’t go to funerals. If you die, I will think of you often but I will never see your casket.
40. When I die I will donate my entire body — from hair follicles to toenails — to science, but don’t you dare ask me for a fucking kidney while I’m still living.
41. I have written approximately 700+ original blog posts for Funky Brown Chick, and you lovely people have left approximately 8,000+ user comments.
42. I have a favorite color: orange.
43. I really like the movie Y tu mamá también.
44. I get turned on by guy-on-guy action.
45. I was a vegetarian for nearly a year. After that, I stabbed a big juicy steak with my incisors again and I’ve been eating meat ever since.
46. I almost always order “Steak & Eggs” when I go to brunch with friends. Steak: medium well. Egg: scrambled, egg whites only.
47. “I like my men like I like my milk: imported, white and with no fat.” [Read the details.]
48. I date black men and Latinos, too. Although I’ve never had an Asian boyfriend (yet), I think guys like Daniel Henney, Jon Yongfook and others are gorgeous.
49. I used to play practical jokes on my friends all the time, and I even pulled one off on this blog. I stopped pranking around because everyone expected me to do it and I couldn’t get away with it anymore.
50. I used to have my tongue pierced.
51. I don’t have any tattoos.
52. I don’t pay people to do my hair. I do it myself and have done so since I was a little girl.
53. I am a morning person, and I don’t understand people who aren’t.
54. I actually like the way German accents sound.
55. I can be very insecure, nutty and neurotic when I start dating a new guy. (”Do you think he likes me? If he likes me, why didn’t he say that? Do you think he’s nice / stable / friendly? What if he’s an asshole? Oh my god, I can’t date that guy … he doesn’t like cheese!!”)
56. I don’t like to cry in front of others.
57. I have two breasts. I moisturize & massage them daily so they stay soft and perky. I like touching them. They’re great.
58. I am a socialist.
59. I am pro-choice.
60. I am against the death penalty.
61. I support gay marriage.
62. I am considered “really liberal” in the US. But, my politics are considered “common sense”, neutral or “center right” in the Netherlands (e.g. I just think all people should have the right to love, live healthy and be educated; I’m not anarchist, I still believe in organized government, I think people should work if they want money, etc.)
63. I think OJ is innocent. But, that’s just because I’m black. ;)
64. I hate having my period.
65. I know a little bit of sign language.
66. I know a lot of French.
67. I know a drop of Italian.
68. I am fluent in Dutch.
69. I have dated and fucked men from Spain, Mexico and other Spanish-speaking countries. But, me no hablo español. (Totes ridic, right?)
70. I am 33 years old, and I like myself more at this age than I did 10 years ago.
71. I have an abnormally high need for touch. I like being rubbed, hugged, kissed, groped, licked and stroked by the men I adore.
72. I like dating younger men.
73. I have known my friends Mags and Bro since we were teenagers; we talk on the phone almost every day.
74. I hate washing dishes.
75. I HATE cold weather.
76. I hate asshole people.
77. I worry about things that I have no control over.
78. I like giving and receiving oral sex. A lot. Seriously. If I really really like a guy and I’m going down on him, nothing gets me hotter or wetter than watching his head dip back in ecstasy as he breathes deeply and his penis grows stiffer in my mouth.
79. I don’t swallow.
80. I like road trips; I’ve driven the entire distance of Historic Route 66.
81. I pray for my family, my enemies, world peace, personal strength and other things.
82. I want to weigh less than 125 lbs again. (Almost there.)
83. I have a large clitoris and a high sex drive.
84. I am extroverted.
85. I have ZERO tolerance for people who bring drama to my life; I will (and have) shed friends who are emotionally unstable and/or high maintenance.
86. I am a good girl who happens to be kinky. Or, as one of my exes put it: a very bad girl in a good way or a good girl in a very bad way.
87. I like good boys who are bad.
88. I don’t understand girls who like bad boys. If a guy treats me poorly (i.e. makes fun of me, yells, etc.), I usually ask, observe or try to figure out what happened. If it happens again, I’m out.
89. I have slept with most of my male friends.
90. I have masturbated to the image of nearly every guy I know.
91. When I was a little girl, I hated all the Charlie Brown cartoons. I thought the kids were mean to Charlie when they yelled “You Blockhead!” and I thought that girl who moved the football when he tried to kick it was a bitch.
92. I don’t use an alarm clock because I prefer natural sleep.
93. I have been told my name, Twanna, means either “of great strength” or “the little child.”
94. I still count on my fingers sometimes.
95. I love flowers, and I had fresh cut flowers in my apartment every day when I lived in Amsterdam.
96. I loved Degrassi Junior High and You Can’t Do That on Television. Those shows introduced me to Canada and made Canadians soooo cool in my teenage eyes.
97. I am a HUGE soccer fan. I support The Netherlands and England. After them, France is my favorite. If all three of those teams are eliminated, I support Argentina, Germany and Brazil. I go with winners.
98. I like Man UTD, Chelsea, Real Madrid and Ajax.
99. I love miniskirts and I will wear those things till I’m at least as old as Tina Turner is now.
100. I have been told that I can be contrary and difficult. Of course, the people who told me that are very stubborn.
101. I have a list of places I’d like to visit. At the moment: Montreal, Australia, Argentina and Brazil are at the top of the list.

Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, Madonna Whore Complex, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

December 2nd, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [36] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Thanksgiving It To You

Psssst! The dude in this video, Jared Cotter, was on of Cosmo’s 2008 Hottest Bachelors. See. See.

Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Gloria Gobbler, Jared Cotter, Thankgiving It To You, Thanksgiving, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines, Twanna Hines

November 27th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [2] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Happy XXX Birthday Diesel, You Sexy Mofos!

Ah, those wacky Italians!!! Diesel. Manufacturer of sexy jeans, amazing clothing and really really funny viral videos. Renzo Rosso’s northern Italy-based design company founded in 1978 enters the Dirty Thirties this month. Yep, 3 to the 0! Or, if you wanna be naughty, XXX. If you haven’t heard the news, Diesel is throwing a kickass party on October 11 in seventeen international cities including NEW YORK CITY!!! I soooo wanna be on THAT guest list!! Check out their “almost naked SFW global XXX party invitation” video. It’s totally SFW in a NSFW kind of way. Speaking of “birfdays,” My girl Sara R. turns 30 tonight and I’m meeting up with the gang for drinks tonight. Have phone. Will Twitter. Follow me.

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Credit paid: Big drippy kisses to the ever-lovely “August B” and this New York twitterer for the tip.

Technorati Tags: Diesel, Diesel XXX, dirty thirties, Italian boys, Renzo Rosso, Twitter, viral video, XXX

September 26th, 2008 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [5] folks got down with the Funky Brown