I hope you’re all enjoying a relaxing start to the week! To kick (pun intended) things off right, let’s celebrate “Manly Monday” again, weekly festivities of everything with a dick. If you haven’t already heard, soccer beauty David Beckham is preemptively warning his newborn daughter Harper Seven Beckham‘s would-be suitors he is NOT going to put up with any shit!

About her future dating life, he says boys should know she has “three brothers that will take her, three brothers that will eat with her and three brothers that will bring her back home to a dad waiting for her.” See? That’s a DILF! (via The Frisky)

Hey sports fans! I’m going to be on “MAD SOCCER with Cisco Aguirre” tonight at 7:30 pm. dishing sexy details about the Top 20 Hottest Soccer Players. If you live in New York, tune in to any of the following channels to watch: Time Warner 57 / RCN 84 / Verizon 35. For those sexy little things living outside beloved NYC borders, I’ll try to get a copy of the show and post it online. In the meantime, building up for tonight’s TV show — and giving my lovely FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers the advanced, inside scoop — please feel free to drool over 20 official selections: 19 slices of boy meat + 2 half points to the “mini-mes” (lil brother soccer players).

Hidetoshi Nakata

Zinedine Zidane

Fabio Cannavaro (plus lil bro Paolo Cannavaro. Click the link to GAWK at his package.)

Benny Feilhaber. USA! USA! USA!

Asamoah Gyan. Nice tongue. Mmmmm …

Cristiano Ronaldo

Edson Buddle. Cutest smile on any soccer field ever.

Juan Pablo Ángel. Even though he’s no longer with New York Red Bulls, he’s still in our hearts.

Landon Donovan. One more time … USA! USA! USA!

Kaká

Lukas Podolski. I’m originally from Chicago. We have a special place in our heart for Polish men.

Thierry Henry. Welcome to New York, cutie! :)

Tim Howard

Fernando Torres. The rosacea is cherubic and cute.

David Beckham. A classic.

Robin van Persie

Carlos Bocanegra. Suddenly, I have a craving for domestic beef. USA! USA! USA!

Iker Casillas (lil bro Unai Casillas)

Oguchi Onyewu. What a yummy American boy.

Welcome to FUNKY BROWN CHICK® — where we kick off each week with a testosterone-driven topic or by celebrating a particular man. I’ll make this one short and sweet. Click the video above. Look at him. Seriously, fucking look at him. HOT! I’ll admit it; I wasn’t always a CR7 fan, but his skills won me over. Plus, I’m a Real Madrid supporter, and her joined their roster in 2009. Hmmm, Cristiano Ronaldo: extremely hot soccer player or overgroomed, overhyped pretty boy? Feel free to use the comments section to share your thoughts.

This is a love story. Yesterday, eight friends and I journeyed to New Meadowlands Stadium to watch the USA vs BRAZIL international friendly live. If you’ve visited FUNKY BROWN CHICK® before, you may know my passion for soccer is well documented in posts like How I Became a Soccer Fan and Who’s the Sexiest American Soccer Player? As a lover of balls — men who have them and dudes who kick them around on pitches — soccer isn’t just my favorite sport, it’s the ONLY sport I watch. So, it was really really exciting to be among the 77,223 fans crowded into New Meadowlands Stadium yesterday. Funny enough, as I checked in on Foursquare, I bumped into Dennis Crowley — Foursquare’s creator. Here’s our picture.

Showing good sportsmanship, here’s a picture of Brazil fans, Nicky and me showing civilized support of the game instead of clashing like hooligans.

And, mostly importantly, here’s where you sign Go Bid USA’s petition to bring FIFA World Cup back to the United States in either 2018 or 2022. Everyone needs hobbies and a little passion in their life, right? Soccer is one of mine. So, is sex. (I’m brewing up ideas for a sports project called Sex & Soccer. I’ll keep you posted.) In the meantime, feel free to use the comments section below to tell me what you are passionate about.

Go USA! As many of you know, I’m a huge soccer fan. The excitement. The singing & chanting … oops, I mean vuvuzelas ;) Sexy men with strong legs and muscular thighs. How could anyone NOT love the World Cup? What’s more? USA held ENGLAND to a draw. Score for US soccer fans! You know the US is bidding to host the World Cup in 2018 or 2022, right? Visit FIFA.com, Wikipedia or Go USA Bid (the official bid site) to learn more and support the bid. But, enough about the distant future, and more about the current 2010 FIFA World Cup South Africa on this very Manly Monday.

Balls. Men who have them, men who kick them around during the World Cup. It’s worth mentioning Germany’s Michael Ballack scores very well on both accounts. Have you SEEN that video of the man’s bulge bouncing? He could hurt someone — or himself — with that package. Perhaps, he did. Afterall, he IS out on injury this year. So, leaving him aside and turning our focus back to the home team, here’s a Manly Monday question for you: Thus far, which of the following US Men’s National Team players has handled his balls the best in the World Cup?

TIM HOWARD
Amazing goalie! Even with bruised (broken?) ribs, Howard still kept England from scoring after their initial goal. Talented and sexy. Doesn’t get better than that.

LANDON DONOVAN
Though he didn’t score, he kicked a beautiful cross to Jozy Altidore.

JOZY ALTIDORE
A thicker build than I usually like, I’m impressed by skills on the pitch. Almost scored us another goal.

CLINT DEMPSEY
He scored the equalizing goal that pulled England to a draw. Or, to translate for the non-soccer fans, he kicked the ball that lead to “the second biggest British spill this week.” Poor, poor Robert Green.

CARLOS BOCANEGRA
The U.S. Men’s National Team captain. Insta-orgasm every time I see his face on the television screen. Seriously. Unreal.

Now, for the Manly Monday question. Feel free to answer based on level of attractiveness and/or skill: Thus far, which US Men’s National Team player has handled his balls the best this World Cup? Who’s the sexiest American soccer player? My vote … Looks: Tie between Tim Howard & Carlos Bocanegra. Skill: Howard all the way.

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BONUS: In case you missed it, here’s a photo gallery of David Beckham’s matchface with commentary by Brian Phillips — scribe of Slate articles How Soccer Almost Became a Major American Sport in the 1920s and Why Do We Call It Soccer (Instead of Football Like the Rest of the World)?

I’m not writing about the recent trio of celebrity deaths because you can (and probably already have) read that news elsewhere. For something new and a bit more lighthearted, I thought I’d give you delicious eye candy to start your week off right. Today’s Manly Monday pick — weekly shout outs celebrating men’s loveliness — is the U.S. national soccer team. Yesterday, Bro and I sat at the bar at Tonic and watched the US dominate Brazil (the only team to do so) in the current FIFA Confederations Cup. For approximately two hours, we sipped Hefe-Weizen, gnawed on hot & spicy buffalo wings and cheered our national team. Unfortunately, we lost. Brazil came back strong in the second half, winning the game 3 to 2. Whatever. I was still really really proud of team captain Carlos Bocanegra (pictured) and the rest of the American boys for putting heat on the Brazilians … and looking REALLY fucking good doing while so. Seriously! Have you SEEN the men’s team?!?! They’re gorgeous. GO USA!!! Kudos, also, to ESPN for showing the match … and to FIFA for giving the US props for our country’s ethnic diversity. In case you missed the game, here’s the lineup of the guys who played on Sunday. Who’s the hottest? My vote — it’s a tie between Carlos Bocanegra and Tim Howard. Who’s your pick?

TIM HOWARD

Sacha KLJESTAN

Jozy ALTIDORE

Charlie DAVIES

Clint DEMPSEY

Conor CASEY

Ricardo CLARK

Jonathan BORNSTEIN

Benny FEILHABER

Landon DONOVAN

Jay DeMERIT

Jonathan Spector

Oguchi ONYEWU

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Photos credit: Images appear online at www.fifa.com

Sometimes I feel lonely in New York City. As I’ve said before, loneliness is about not having one’s needs met and it doesn’t have anything to do with the # of people around you. In my past, the times I’ve felt most alone were when I was in a relationship with a man who was either incapable or unwilling to “be there” for me emotionally when I needed him most. But, he’s a topic for a different day, a different blog post. Back to me. So, if loneliness is about not having one’s needs met, I wonder: what “needs” do I have.

Um, I’m not getting laid on a regular basis. That, of course, sucks. I had some dude / “Facebook friend” I’ve never met offer to give me a massage. Horny as I am, I still declined. I’m not in the habit of making appointments to meet strangers in unknown spaces by myself and letting them touch my naked flesh. I NEED A FUCK BUDDY. Where are my male friends in my hour of need???? ;) That aside, I guess I felt pretty lonely recently because the Chelsea v. Liv’pool game was on Sunday, and I didn’t have anyone watch it with me. My fellow soccer fanatic, Bro, wasn’t in town and I don’t think Irene watched the game. Ro was supposed to meet me at the bar, but she got delayed at home then caught up in parade traffic. I ended up watching the game at Slainte by myself. It was the first time I’ve ever done that. It was great because I was around others who got PISSED OFF when Lampard was sent off for no good reason … and when that smug little fucker Torres slid into a pose after his first goal. But, truth be told, being there also felt kind of strange, like a public declaration: “I’m sitting on this bar stool alone because I have zero friends.” Nonsense, I know. I have friends. I just need to meet more people who actually like soccer — that way, I don’t have to watch games by myself. Thank God for Meetup! I joined the New York English Premier League and World Cup group. Also, I might connect with the New York Blues; they support one of my teams, Chelsea, and they seem even more hardcore than I am.

After the game ended, I met up with Sakes, Angie and Ro for our Beautiful Brown Girls Brunch Club. (Some members pictured below.) Every couple months or so, a group of brown-skinned friends from different ethnic backgrounds get together to talk about our relationships, the black men in our lives, dating, jobs, etc. You know, the stuff that makes live beautiful. Stuff like friendship. “In a 90s 00s kind of world, I’m glad I got my girls.” Anyway. Last time we met up, we went to Insomnia Cookies; this time, we went to Essex. Chatting, Sacred told us Facebook recently disable Sacred’s account because her name didn’t sound real or something like that. Crazy, right? What’s more? This TOTALLY sucks because she’s an international humanitarian aid worker abroad who honestly NEEDS that site to send birthday greetings to friends, view pics of loved ones and do other stuff that helps her keep in contact with the rest of us back home. It’s her lifeline to stay connected to us while she’s living in fairly harsh, isolated, dangerous and, yes, lonely conditions abroad. Thankfully, for now, we’ve got her in New York visiting for a while and my fingers are crossed that Facebook reopens her account before she leaves.

Taking a page from Grateful Dating, I should probably spend more time focusing on the things for which I’m grateful. Today, it’s friendship. How about you? What makes you feel grateful today?

The dude in the water is Laird Hamilton. As you may know, we pay a homage the beautifully bedicked creatures of the earth on Manly Mondays … except when we do it on Tuesday or Wednesday; then, it’s either a Testicle Tuesday or Wanker Wednesday, respectively. But, whatever. Back to the flavor of the day. The dude in the water. I didn’t see or smell an ocean for the first time until I took a debut springtime trip to New York and moved to Los Angeles when I was 20. It sounds kind of stupid to say it, but I couldn’t really wrap my brain around the idea that the water was as deep as seven miles below eye level and extended its touch as far as Europe and Asia. I’ve lived in waterside places ever since: Chicago (Lake Michigan), Amsterdam (the Amstel), London (River Thames) and in Florida — as long as you’re in the state, you’re never more than an hour away from the deep blue.

I think the folks who use thin boards to walk on water are hot. Laird Hamilton didn’t invent surfing, ancient Polynesian cultures can claim that credit. Yet, this haole‘s contributions to surfing — and crossover board sports in general — can’t be overstated. When I think about it, Laird’s been in water longer than I’ve been on the planet. Crazy, huh? Anyway, discover him on your own by checking out his website, reading his Wikipedia entry or watching films like riding GIANTS. Big, drippy kisses go out to Vivicca Whitsett. She was the inspiration for today’s Manly Monday pick. She posted the YouTube clip below on my Facebook Fun Wall. Surfers PLUS soccer players? The sight was so beautiful I almost fainted. Seriously. I almost fucking fainted. In any case, I thought I’d share it with the group in case any of you out there like surfers and soccer players too. Enjoy!

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Photo credit: Image in today’s post appears online at Laird’s website. Check out his photo gallery. He’s hot. ;)

I used to live in central London. When I say that, I don’t mean it in the American “I was a study abroad student for four months, so now I tell people I lived in London” sense. I mean I got a blue passport, paid for a valid work visa and loaded up a big black backpack before boarding a one-way flight from Chicago O’Hare to London Heathrow. I was an expatriate. Why did I do it? I wasn’t sure what else to do with my life. I’d applied to grad school at UCLA, but they rejected me. Life Lesson #186: Always Have a Back Up Plan.

I didn’t know anyone in Britain’s capital city, so my immediate goals were to find housing and a job. I worked as a bartender in a traditional English pub called The Mitre because it was a “two-fer.” Random trivia fact: the word pub is short for public house. The folks who work downstairs in the public bar live in the upstairs house for free.

A pale-skinned British guy named Martin managed the place with his sexy, thin, pretty, brown Indian girlfriend named Zen and an English guy named Darren. I’d have to check my written journals to be sure, but if I remember correctly, my roommates / coworkers included exactly: 2 Aussie boy bartenders, 2 Aussie girl bartenders, 1 Irish cook, an Italian girl & African guy who served as barbacks who went home at the end of the night instead of living with us upstairs. (I don’t know why.)

It was a World Cup year, so the pub was always crowded with drunken Brits singing “Three Lions” and other cheer songs for their beloved national team. England and South Africa had teams running across the green pitch on our pub’s “telly.” It was the year Beckham kicked a player and was sent off with a red card. Pushing my way through the crowds, serving pints as I spilled lager, ale and cider down my hand and arms, I came across a burly Englishman with St. George’s Cross on the front of his white shirt. He got in my face and yelled, “Your team lost!” I spit back, “I’m not South African. I’m American.” He looked completely baffled, as if I’d told him, “I come from the future.” Life Lesson # 674: Europeans Are Often Surprised By the Large Number of Brown-skinned People in America.

I remember the swell of the crowd’s cheer, the intense concentration with which the men watched the game, and the fans’ sheer dedication and commitment to their World Cup teams. It was as if World War II was reenacted, and civilians sat spectator as they watched the battles play out before their eyes. Supporters rooted for their home countries, and nearly everyone hated Germany. The fervor was equally intense as it was intoxicating. What’s more? All the all players had fit, streamlined bodies that were propped up by powerful legs and rock-hard asses. The excitment. The skill. The enthusiasm. The boys. A woman who’d shunned sports for 89.5765% of her life, I knew I’d found a new love.

Life Lesson #892: Soccer is called football, and it is a truly beautiful game.

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NOTE: Why this post today? Heads up, the next Manly Monday post is about my newest favorite soccer player. Anyone wanna guess who it is?

Three days ago. Did you catch it? Anderson Cooper interviewed David Beckham on 60 minutes. I’m not sure which was more satisfyingly — watching the actual interview or reading the headlines that came out about it. Anderson Cooper Looking To Score With David Beckham and Anderson Cooper Tries to Block David Beckham’s Balls. Love it. A lot of the leads were ridiculously thinly veiled speculations about The Coop’s sexuality. Is he gay or isn’t he? Quite frankly, I don’t care. He’s gorgeous. I like to look at The Coop. And, the interview with Beckham made it that much easier for me to imagine myself snuggled in between that yummy boysandwich. Pretty boys with streamlined bodies? Yum. Anyway, so, in case you missed the actual interview, here are three highlights. (Yes, technically, today is “wanker wednesday” since I co-opted Manly Monday this week; but, no, I don’t think either of the boys are wankers.)

1. The Beckham “Tattoo Tour”
Oh my dear sweet Buddha with a big round belly. Apparently, Goldenballs has 15 sets of inkings covering various parts of his delicious little body. I’m not usually a fan of men covered in tattoos (9:08 – 9:40 in the video below) because I think it looks kind of tacky. But, Beckham rocks the look without any problems.

2. Goldenballs.
Anderson asked Beckham if it’s true that: (a) his wife calls him “Goldenballs” and (b) he prances around with his two little jewels stuffed inside of Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham’s panties. D. Becks’ answers: yes to the first, no to the second. But, in both cases, he was visibly uncomfortable answering and I swear I saw the soccer chap actually blush a little bit as he pulled his collar and asked, “Is it getting hot in here?” He looked almost as uncomfortable as he was when The Coop asked him about him about money (5:48 – 5:58). So British. By the way, the the moneymaking Goldenballs question isn’t in the video below, but you can it on Yahoo!

3. Bend It Like Beckham
Okay, so, this part (8:03 – 9:08) was 100% completely overrated. CBS was all like, hey Beckham’s gonna demonstrate his “bend it” technique for the first time ever!!!! Um, hasn’t he been doing that on TV for ages, now? But, whatever. It was good to see it again. And, speaking of “seeing it,” I snagged the full Becks-Coop clip below from the ever-lovely Gawker. Enjoy! (Pssst! If you wanna see a shirtless Beckham, keep your eyes peeled during the like 4:51 to 4:56 mark. Best 5 seconds ever!)