“UTAH?!?!” I was stunned. “There aren’t any beaches there. Who the fuck goes to Utah on vacation?!?!” Apparently, I do. Wanna know how I ended up here? Weeeeell, Single Edition — a site for people seeking singles information unrelated to dating (i.e. cooking recipes for one, personal growth events, etc.) – challenged me, “Tell us what the hell is so great about being single?” I wasn’t sure what to say. Flying solo isn’t always great, but it’s not entirely bad either. So I said, for me, the best part about being on my own is the massive amounts of self discovery. (Read my full response here.) Single Edition liked my answer so much they hooked me up with a solo travel trip to Red Mountain Spa. The small print said the all-inclusive package was pimped out with: deluxe accommodation, roundtrip airport transfers, a 50-minute massage, healthy gourmet cuisine (three meals daily), complimentary bike rental, in-room high-speed internet and daily guided hikes, healthy living courses, awareness walks and Tai Chi. “Hmmm,” I thought, “okay, maybe Utah’s not so bad.”  :)

I arrived in the Beehive State Sunday afternoon. Quite honestly, it took a little while to warm up to the place. I’m a city girl. I don’t feel entirely at ease when I’m the only person of color passing through a really small town. I’m not in my my comfort zone unless I can High Five neighbors from my front door. And, I like the convenience of 24-hour delis, yellow taxi cabs and late night bars. Luckily, my first event in Utah was a group dinner during which I quickly discovered: (1) I’m not the only brown person here; (2) Red Mountain Spa actually really ROCKS and it’s a great singles adventure travel destination; (2.5) everyone affiliated with the place is extremely friendly; (3) and so many of my fellow spa / hiking resortees are extremely amazing, interesting and fun people. At dinner, sitting at a table with tons a singles traveling on their own, folks told me about coming to Red Mountain for the 6th, 14th or 8th time. (The high number of repeat visitors traveling alone gives you an idea how much single people like it here!!)

Granted, I’m probably as much of a fish out of water in Utah as many native Utahns would be in Midtown Manhattan. But, for now, I feel like I’m in exactly where I’m supposed to be. You guys, seriously, I can’t even begin to describe how beautiful it is out here. I think I needed to escape from Manhattan’s stress, price gouging, noise pollution and other brashness for a bit. I feel an extreme sense of clarity and peace surrounded by the sacred red rock mountain landscape. No joke, Red Mountain Spa is really a lovely place. So, HUGE thank you and much appreciation goes out to them as well as Single Edition. And, ahem, by the way and for the record, Utah is the world’s online porn capital and one of this particular town’s very own residents is porno actress Asia Carrera. So, maybe the place isn’t so stuffy?

I know I promised you guys the “Kennedy Men” post for this glorious Manly Monday. But, I didn’t get around to blogging about that. For now, I’m just really enjoying the much needed “unscheduled time.” No one expects me to write anything, be anywhere or do anything. And, I like that. In my own time, I’ll tell you more about this trip in detail. In the meantime, you can follow along on my Twitter and look at pictures on my Flickr.

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Greetings From Utah, Online Porn Capital Of The USA

Next month, I’ll return to Chicago because I’m speaking at BlogHer. (Shout out to my fellow panelists: Laura Roeder, Ree Drummond and Susan Getgood.) It will be good to get out of New York for a bit. Although I often pick on Illinois and mention all the reasons I left it (i.e. it’s more segregated than The Old South, colder than Siberia and located in the middle of fucking nowhere), I don’t spend enough time talking about the handful of things that made me love it while I was there. So, next week, I’ll take you along for a hometown visit. I’ll post pictures of my favorite things, places and foods. Granted, for now, I much prefer living in New York City, but that doesn’t mean Chicago wasn’t a hell of a town.

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My Kind of (Home)Town

Call it karma, Christian guilt, or whatever you want to but — since the city is being very kind to me — I feel like I should donate to a charity, volunteer, or do something else to give back. Many many months ago, I exchanged emails with a woman named Sara from The Fresh Air Fund. It’s a nonprofit that takes kids out of the city to get … wait for it, wait for it … fresh air. Having grown up in rural Illinois amidst the cornfields (no joke), I’m certainly a fan of getting out of Manhattan every so often. I miss stars. I miss huuuuuge, black, nighttime skies blanketed with an entire outdoor ceiling of millions of tiny little twinkling white dots. I miss nature. Fire flies on open fields. Sometimes, I swear I even randomly miss the smell of trees. It’s weird, but I do. Yeah, you know you’re a bumpkin when you know the texture and smell of tree bark. Hmm. Anyway. Keeping in step with my recent “Twanna Really Needs a Vacation / Needs to Get Out of New York” mood, I thought I’d re-visit an email exchange I had with the Fresh Air Fund People. Fret not, I haven’t changed. I still don’t like children. That said, I’m writing about them because I like writing all facets of interpersonal relationships (i.e. sex/dating, friendships, marriage, families, etc). And, I’m really into to health/nature as well personal growth stuff. So, in case you’d like to learn more about the Fresh Air Fund, here’s what I was able to gather via our (edited) email exchange:

ME: Who the hell are you guys? I feel bad, but I’ve never heard of The Fresh Air Fund. What’s this Friendly Town stuff?

SARA: Summertime is “Fresh Air” time for thousands of New York City children who visit volunteer host families in 13 northeastern states and Canada through the Friendly Town program. The Fresh Air Fund has provided free summer vacations in the country to more than 1.7 million children since 1877.

ME: Who are the kids?

SARA: Boys and girls, from six to 18 years old, who live in New York City. Children on first-time visits are six to 12 years old and stay for two weeks. Children who are reinvited by host families may continue with The Fund through age 18, and may enjoy extended trips. More than 65% of all children are reinvited to stay with the same host families, year after year.

ME: You said “host families.” What’s a typical host like?

SARA: Friendly Town host families are volunteers who open their hearts and homes to New York City children during the summer. Host families live in small towns, in the suburbs or on farms, and wish to share the simple joys of their communities. Hosts may arrange for Fresh Air visitors who are the same age and gender as their own children and who share the same interests and activities.

ME: Okay. I live in the middle of the city and I don’t like kids, so I’m probably not the best candidate for a Friendly Town host family. But, what if one of my readers wants to participate. What can they do and what will they get out of it?

SARA: Friendly Town host families often say they receive more from the program than they give. Host families open their homes to children who might not otherwise be able to enjoy a vacation away from New York City. Fresh Air children experience simple pleasures like running barefoot through the grass and gazing at star-filled skies. Through the eyes of Fresh Air children, families rediscover the beauty of their own communities.

Details: The Fresh Air Fund, 633 Third Avenue, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10017. www.freshair.org. For more information, call them at 1-800-367-0003.

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If You Can Make It Here, You’ll Still Need to Get Away.

ME: [points at her clothes, raises voice to yell over loud bar] I like your jacket!
HER: Thanks!
ME: [extending the hand of friendship] Twanna Hines
HER: [shakes hand] Irene Kontje
ME: C-c-coin shuh? What’s your last name?
HER: Kontje. K-O-N-T-J-E.
ME: Um, did you know your name means little ass cheeks in Dutch?
HER: [laughs] Yeah, I used to work in The Netherlands. Everyone thought that was funny.

What followed next was the realization that the woman who’d lived in Oakland / SF, California for ten years (Irene) and the woman from Illinois (me) were in a New York bar and discovered we lived in Amsterdam during the exactly same time.

ME: We were in the same area, so we probably crossed each other on the streets. Isn’t that funny?
IRENE: Very true. Life is, indeed, funny.

After that, Irene and I met up for coffee a few times in the West Village. I liked her a lot. Over coffee, we gabbed about men, dating, our respective sex lives. We reminisced about how much we love Holland, and both said we desire to live in Europe again in the future. We met up a bunch like new friends do. I remembered we saw one of the BBC documentaries from the 7-Up series at the IFC Center, too. I even blogged about her once or twice. Time passed. Via sparsely traded emails, we said we should hang out more often and catch another soccer game together. But, we didn’t. You know how it goes. We were both busy New Yorkers who lived in different neighborhoods and went out at different times in different places. Seemed hard to believe it’d been four years since we met.

Cut to the present. Thanks to mass emails and Facebook — those fine, lippy purveyors of gossip — I discover Irene is going back to Europe. She’s there now. In Spain. Given that I’d like to do the same one day (chuck it all and go back abroad), I wanted to know what she was doing, how long she was staying there and if she ever planned to come back. Curious to know about her life and her travels, I headed over to her blog and found this old post. It’s about the time she, an American, traveled to Friesland (north of Holland) on behalf of a friend of Dave Steensma. As Irene explains, Dave was the first — and, at that time, the only — Dutch fatality in the Iraq war. The story describes how she delivered a tricolor flag to his parents, Oeds and Margreet Steensma:

Oeds excused himself and returned with a large photo album. “Go ahead, look at it. The Dutch army made it for us. It’s Dave’s funeral service.” Initially Dave served in the Royal Dutch Marine Corps, but his duties later took him to the 12th Infantry Battalion of the Airmobile Brigade, Regiment “van Heutsz.” The Dutch army made a photo album for a family? My brow furrowed. I don’t think American families get that – too many dead, I suppose, how would the military keep up?

It’s a touching, brilliantly-written post. Read it. Irene is definitely on my list of Interesting People I’ve Met in New York, and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to hang out with her more while she was still living in Manhattan. Luckily, she’s coming back. Since we both love soccer and Holland, I imagine I’ll email her about the upcoming World Cup games. I’ll suggest we catch a soccer game at one of these sports bars again. Maybe, Red Lion? Or, perhaps, Tonic — where the Dutch supporters hang out. It’s worth mentioning, on her blog, she quotes Benjamin Franklin: Either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing. Kudos to Irene Kontje for doing both.  So, please, remember to read her post A Flag that Crossed Oceans.

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A Life Less Ordinary

I like New York more when I’ve had a break from it. Being in DC reminded me why I chose to come here nearly five years ago. That’s not a slight against DC; New York just fits me better. People are different here. New Yorkers appreciate the arts and recognize creatives — i.e. actors, poets, writers, authors, painters, bloggers, comedians, bloggers etc. — are adults with real jobs. Not everyone strives for a desk work. I love my apartment and my building. Made for adults, the place is a kid-free zone packed with working professionals. Walking through the streets of Manhattan, you’ll quickly notice there’s no “dress code.” Skin colors, hair shades, make up, style of dress and everything else varies from person to person. Going for drinks in DC, I noticed many more black women had relaxers instead of natural hair. And, I swear each of the 20+ blondes we saw in one bar had the exact same hairstyle: bone straight, shoulder length (or oh-so slightly above) and dyed the same shade of yellowish-white.

I’m not sure if I’ll live in New York forver. For now, it suits me. Anyway. If you want to know more about my roadtrip or the complimentary Ford Fusion, see the pictures on my Flickr (full photostream and the National Museum of American History pics) for details. Now that I’ve got that out of the way, on with the show. Manly Monday post coming soon.

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New York, New York

That’s a Ford Fusion. Pretty, huh? They’re letting me keep one from today until Monday. So, I’ve decided to turn the experience into a little trip. I’m going to drive to Washington to find out: Best City for Singles — NYC or DC? I’ll interview a few people, take a few pictures and shoot videos on my Flipcam. If there’s anything you want me to visit or document while I’m there, let me know. Otherwise, stay tuned to my Flickr, Facebook, my YouTube and (of course) Funky Brown Chick for updates. By the way, an extra special thank you goes out to the super-friendly and ever-helpful Allstate insurance agent Ray Barrett. One of the stipulations of the Ford test drive was that I needed to insure the car while it was in my possession. He TOTALLY helped me out and found a short-term policy that works for me. So, if you live in New York state, and you need insurance for anything (auto, life, renters, etc.) contact him at (718) 849-3200. He’s a nice guy! Tell him Twanna sent you his way, and he’ll take care of you. Big hugs to him and Allstate for putting me in good hands. Alright, that’s all for today.

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Post updated with a more beautiful photo. See additional pretty pictures of Ford vehicles on Flickr.

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Hot Damn; I Got a Brand New Ford Fusion!

This was the pre-Euro days of yore, when wallets were lined with Deutschmarks, Guilders, Francs and Pesetas. Italy had currency with many many zeros on it, and I told the guy I had something 5,000,000,000,000,000 lire. (If I remember correctly, that was the equivalent of $2.50. I exaggerate. Slightly. Anyway.) So, then the Italian dude’s like: “Um, that’s not enough.” I tell him I don’t have any more cash on me. So, Mr. Italiano motions toward the Bancomat and he’s like, “You can go get some more money there.” Being young and stupid, I ask: “How much more money should I take out?” The Italian dude, perhaps amused my my naivety, says: “Give me whatever you have.” Armed with the knowledge that the statue of a dude grabbing another dude’s precious jewels simply MUST be mine, I run across the street to follow the man’s orders and withdraw waaaay too much money. “Here,” I return and hand him a fistful of bills, “take this!!” He did take my money. And, in return, he gave me this:

Four countries, eight cities and exactly twelve years later, I still have this mini-statue. Today, I moved it from my old apartment to the new one. I’ve never known what it depicts, but I adore it. It reminds me of Italy — of a land I loved and a time when I didn’t care that I was young and stupid.

I’m a fan of male homoerotic art. If one man is great, two men together is even better!! So, I have a double feature question for you today, dear readers: (1)Does anyone know what hell scene and/or which historical figures the mini-statue depicts?* (2) Whether you’re male, female, gay, straight or some semi-combination of two or more of the aforementioned, tell me: Does guy on guy action turn you on? If not, tell me why. If so, what do you like best about it?

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Big kisses to Santagati for solving my mystery. It’s a statue of Hercules and Diomedes — history of the original, another replica and a pic on Flickr

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Does Guy-on-Guy Action Turn You On?

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UPDATE: Shout out / thank you to Adrants and Austin American-Statesman for writing about the panel.

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How to Protect Your Brand

Ah, Texas is so special. I’m at SXSW. I’ll try to update this site while I’m down here, but you can also get down with the funky brown by following me on Twitter for play-by-play action.

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You Know You’re in Texas When …

What’s the story behind your username (marianaa)? What’s your real name?

Mariana Alvarez. That’s why it’s mariana a.

99designs says their site has almost 29,000 designers who’ve submitted 1,398,691 designs for various contests, winning more than $4 million in prize money. Presumably, not everyone lives in the US. Where do you live?

I live in Montevideo, Uruguay. It is in South America, in the middle of Argentina and Brazil. Here in Uruguay, like in Argentina, we are all descendant from Europeans, since 1900s immigrants.

Okay. Unfortunately, I don’t know much about Uruguayan people, food or culture. But, I’m a soccer fan. You guys were in the World Cup. Yay Uruguay! Tell me more about you. For example, why do you like design?

I’ve loved to draw since I was a child. So when I had to decide what to do, I took this way and I really like it! I also have a lot to learn, I learn every day from others designers.

Great! If someone sees the logo you made for me (above), loves it and wants to pay you to make a logo for them, how should they contact you?

They can contact me by mail anytime at [mariana.alagarde on gmail]. I work from home, full time :)

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So, there you have it! Q&A with Mariana Alvarez. Not only is she an interesting and talented designer, working with her was an absolute pleasure. Now, tell me about YOU, dear reader — since you guys are the lovely people who voted for her. Please use the comment section below to tell me where you’re sitting right now. For example, I’ll start: I’m in New York. I’m sitting in from in my computer in Midtown Manhattan, and I’m excited about meeting my friend Sexy Schultzy for lunch later to day. Where are you?

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Where in the World Are You?