Sex + Chocolate: Meet the New Class

 Relationships  3 Responses »
Oct 192011
 

“When it comes to sex,” writes Arielle Loren, “fear is a catalyst for silence and preserving ignorance [...] If you’ve ever had a question about sex go unanswered, know that these women are passionate about educating, sharing stories, and spreading knowledge.”

I’m flattered and humbled to be included with Columbia University’s Dr. Hilda Hutcherson and other amazing women in Clutch magazine’s 10 Black Women Teaching Us About Sex. If you love sex — and sexy, brown-skinned women writing about tantra, transgender, queer, sensual strength training and other topics   — this list is must see / must read.

WTF? OMG! Single Black Women Are Gonna Die Alone

 Manly Mondays  24 Responses »
Apr 122010
 

Shall we chat about that ever-shrinking, teeny pool of eligible black men available to successful black women? :) Have you seen the news headlines? ABC news: Why Can’t a Successful Black Woman Find a Man? The Washington Post: Single Black Women Being Urged to Date Outside Race (read: because there aren’t enough good black men). The New York Times says Black Women See Fewer Black Men at the Altar. The Economist writes about Sex and the single black woman. And, Nightline did a full segment on it. THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL, PEOPLE!!!! Successful, single black women are on the fasttrack to spinsterhood. We’ll soon all die alone among legions of house casts lapping up Fancy Feasts of our dead flesh. Or, um, something like that. Yeah  ;)

I’m interested in these headlines because, of course, I’m a single black woman. Needless to say, NO ONE wants to believe they’re going to die unloved and alone. So, though I’ve been reading this stuff, I don’t get totally freaked out because: I haven’t always been single; intuitively, I know I won’t be on my own forever; I’d like to cohabit (not marry) anyway; and, I’m okay being solo for the moment. That aside, I don’t think the authors of these articles have me in mind anyway. Because, afterall, I’m not a black woman who limits my dating pool exclusively to black men. There are tons of sexy & eligible black, Latino, white, Desi and Asian dudes. Mmmmm, yeah, don’t EVEN get me started on how much I drool over Jon Yongfook. Remember, he was a Testicle Tuesday pick about 16 months ago? Hot. Someone move that boy to New York!!! Anywho. Where was I? Oh, yes. Single black women.

Single Ladies

A few of you — male & female, black, white and other — emailed me to ask what I think about the recent media coverage re: Said Plight of Black Women. I’m working on a piece about it. In the meantime, instead of summarizing those thoughts here, you can read what I  — along with a fabulous group of women including Latoya Peterson, Abiola Abrams and Sista Toldjah – said when asked: What the hell is up with all these articles about successful, manless black women?! Read Jezebel‘s Steve Harvey Joins Lori Gottlieb, Tells Women To Just Settle Already.

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Single Ladies image by Daniela Moreno for Felipe Beiza.

John Mayer’s Playboy Interview: A Reaction

 Sex  12 Responses »
Feb 222010
 

09/04/2009 (Day 3.99) - PlayboyHappy Monday! As previously mentioned, at Kiss & Tell I planned to perform a piece about John Mayer’s Playboy interview. I couldn’t do the full performance because the show was canceled. (Inclement weather.) However, since I brought the topic up on Funky Brown Chick – and several of you left comments and emailed me to ask, “What did you think about his interview?”– here are my quick and jumbled thoughts …

Playboy is about sex. Playboy wants to be racy. And, in America — for several reasons — conversations about race & sex are often racy. However, lest we lose perspective, I was talking about Playboy. John Mayer, on the other hand, is a musician — not a respected commentator about topics related to either sexuality or ethnicity. In fact, if he were better informed about either topic, I highly doubt he would’ve said such ignorant remarks about race (i.e. comparing his cock to a white supremacist) or sexuality (i.e. he used the word “fags” to describe gay men and said he could “outgay” Perez Hilton). That’s classy, right? ;) Anyway. Moving right along.

I feel blessed to have guy friends, acquaintances and others who are black, Asian, Mexican, beefy & brown, Canadian, French Canadian, German and other nationalities and ethnicities. Those are pals. My boyfriends, lovers and fuck buddies span an equally wide spectrum. Why? That’s just how I roll.

So, when John Mayer said “I don’t think I open myself to [dating black women],” my immediate reaction was: Too bad for him  :)  Apparently, he’ll never experience the pleasures more open minded (and mature!) men like model Gabriel Aubry, film critic Roger Ebert, rockstar David Bowie, R&B crooner Robin Thicke, celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck, actors Justin Chambers, Chris Noth (a.k.a. Sex in the City’s “Big”), Robert DeNiro, Brad Pitt and so many others who have, ahem, dipped vanilla sticks in chocolate pudding. ;)

C’est tout. I’m already tired of this story. There are more pressing matters worthy of attention and many many interesting characters more deserving of a Manly Monday nod. Soooo, coming up next, a very musical Manly Monday selection to charm your ears. Stay tuned.

Black Women + Asian Men = Blasian Hot Dating

 Culture, Relationships  33 Responses »
Aug 282009
 

I’m leaving New York for a tiny vacation tomorrow. More on that soon. In the meantime, before I spill those details, I soooo have to tell you news about the latest onscreen blasian couple. If you read Everyone Loves an Asian Boy, you know how much I adore cute blasian (Black Woman / Asian Man or Black Man / Asian Woman) couples on television and in real life. And by “TV” I mean streaming. I gave up cable. So, as I was saying, apparently, there’s a new one coming to a screen near you. ABC’s Flash Forward features that sexy drop of deliciousness, John Cho. His character, Demetri Noh, is engaged to “Zoey.” Soooooo, IMDB says Gabrielle Union has been cast in that role. (Also saw this on The Sauda Voice.) HOT BLASIAN LOVE!!! I’m, so excited to see a diverse cast on network TV, and I’m super interested to see if there’s any onscreen chemistry between John Cho and Gabrielle Union. They’re both incredibly sexy, attractive actors. Who doesn’t want to see them get it on?

Too fucking cute!! Why didn’t anyone tell me about this onscreen blasian coupling? In the clip below, I think ABC should change their advertising: [insert manly newscaster voice] Coming this fall … Flash Forward! The most intriguing show on ABC … AND we give you blasian love!! ;)

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Photos: Gabby Union on BET and John Cho on The Insider.

Black Women, Lesbians & Transgenders, Oh My!! ;)

 About Women  3 Responses »
Aug 272009
 

Reading the transgendered piece on BlogHer reminded me I never wrote about attending and speaking at the their annual conference. Quite honestly, initially, I worried the vast majority of attendees would be mommybloggers and I thought I — a New York-dwelling, single, avidly childfree, funky brown chick — would be the odd woman out :( I didn’t really know what to expect. I’d met Elisa Camahort Page on previous occasions, but I didn’t know her very well nor had I yet experienced the pleasure meeting Lisa Stone and Jory Des Jardins in person. Also, it was my first BlogHer annual conference; so, I thought I’d have a good time at a nice event for passionate mommybloggers doing great things in business and online, but that would be it.

I’m happy to report the conference was even better than I thought it would be. Sessions included “Women of Color and Marketing,” LGBTQ roundtables and other diversity-centered talks. The shindig (and corresponding parties!) were well-organized, high-quality, informative and FUN. I’d undoubtedly forget a few events if I tried to list each of my favorites; so, I won’t. However, I definiltey wanted to blog about my FAVORITE part of the conferece — The Community Keynote. Instead of reserving the floor for a big shot, well-known speaker, this particular piece of the conference highlights ordinary women navigating extraordinarily human experiences. Stories included: Issa‘s heart-breaking tale about her mentally ill, homeless Uncle Marky; Karen Walrond’s inspiring Reflections On Why the Election of Barack Obama Affected Me So Deeply; Sheri Reed‘s brutally honest piece “Amends” about alcoholism; and Danielle Henderson‘s funny story about a multi-day trial of a tampon lodged in her vagina after having sex with her husband. The latter didn’t go to the doctor for nearly a week because, “In my family, going to the doctor to have a foreign object removed from your body is a total ‘dick move’.”) Watch the entire Community Keynote below:

Also, be sure to check out my co-panelists’ fabulous blogs!! They’re online: The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond; social media guru Laura Roeder; and veteran online marketer Susan Getgood)

SBF Seeks SJM: My First 100 Hours on JDate

 Relationships  10 Responses »
May 292009
 

laptopYesterday, the first email in my inbox read: “Hi, JDater: You have 3 unread message(s)! What’s more fun than meeting interesting new people who are interested in YOU?” Honestly … Nothing, nothing could be more fun than meeting exciting men who are interested in me. :) Those of you who missed the I’m a Black Woman, and This is Why I’m Signing Up for JDate post, probably didn’t know I’d signed up for a Jewish singles site. Some of you who already read that post DMed, emailed and otherwise contacted me to ask for details. Want to know about the state of my search for a Jewish dating union? Here’s the update: My First 100 Hours on JDate. (For the record, what follows could also be called: “I Know I’m On JDate.com When dot dot dot.”)

  • There are an inordinate number of men named Adam, Noah and other Biblical names. Seeee?  Us blacks girls aren’t so different from hot Jewish guys. For me, JDate is a lot like a names pop quiz from Vacation Bible School at my childhood black Baptist church. Noah was the ark dude, right? Who was with Jesus when he parted the Red Sea? Was that Moses? Seth? Alon? Sweet!
  • A lot of the guys on the site have dark hair and dark eyes. This is good because I typically go for “Two Out of Three” guys. Skin. Eyes. Hair. Two out of three should be dark. Black man with dark skin, dark hair and light eyes? DELICIOUS! White dudes with light skin, dark hair and dark eyes? Hot. Many Jewish men suit my visual tastes just fine.
  • I know I’m on JDate because none of the guys think I’ve “really” signed up for the site. Seriously, dudes immediately give me their contact details because they think I haven’t fully signed up and will be blocked from reading email. They’re surprised when I tell them I’m not fucking around; I put up a full profile w/ pictures and answered every question about my lifestyle & dating preferences. So, yes, I’m now a card-carrying member of JDate. “Wow,” one guy from the site wrote me, “you’re really serious about this whole Jew search thing.” Yep. I’m serious about giving it a shot and widening my horizons. If I meet an awesome guy, great. If not, I’m exactly where I am now.
  • Jewish guys are awesome. I kind of expected most dudes to ignore me and/or ask me why I crashed their party. In wild fantasies, I imagined all the men would rally around the management while screaming: “Get that Christmas Tree-loving whore away from our space!!!” Sooo000 not the case. Everyone has been unbelievably friendly, amazing and flirty. In my first 100 hours, my profile was viewed 157 times; I was “flirted with” by 3 guys; 19 men emailed me; 8 put me on their “hot list”; 1 sent me an ecard and 19 IMed me.
  • Some things are better left unsaid. I guess this last point is just a general thought / observation. Though I’m a sex, dating and relationship writer, I’ve kind of learned my lesson about spilling details about my private dates online publicly. So, if I go on any Jdates (I haven’t yet), you, my date and I can all rest assured all of the intimate nitty-gritty won’t appear on Funky Brown Chick. There’s still beauty  in keeping some things sacred. Sometimes the best bits are the bits only you and the other person know.

So, that’s the scoop … or at least as much of it that I’m willing to share. And, yeah, if you’re a Gentile and you haven’t ever signed up on JDate, I HIGHLY recommend it. Seriously, it’s awesome.

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Image by Steve Woods

Everybody Needs Somebody (Jewish) to Love

 Relationships  12 Responses »
May 212009
 

Yesterday, I left off halfway through a conversation about dating Jewish men and stereotypes about JDate. I’ve always had the impression guys on the site were mid-30 to mid-40-something dudes who’ve hit a certain point in their career  … They have the fancy car, the swank house, a good set of friends BUT they haven’t found the right woman yet. So, they sign up for JDate to find a nice Jewish girl to marry. It’s a spouse-hunting destination. Find someone just like you and wed; the eharmony for Jews. But, I’m learning my assumptions — as assumptions tend to be — are wrong.

“You know,” said the pretty Jewish girl from dinner the other night, “I think it’s easier for non-Jewish women to find dates on JDate.” She gave a lot of reasons why this might be the case, but I was most interested in her details about the differences between Jewish guys. “It’s not just about dating a Jewish guy,” she said. “Sometimes you’ve also gotta find a guy who’s the same level of Jewish that you are.” By “you” I figure she meant her — not literally, you know, “me.” I’m a Gentile. But, I think I get what she means: not everyone within the same “ethnic” group belongs to the same culture. For example, I could decide to solely date black men because I want to date someone who comes from my same background; however, various men from Jamaica, Ghana, Guyana, Brazil and elsewhere might be “black” but they wouldn’t necessarily share my culture. Ooooh, don’t even get me started on culture conflict and the differences between “African culture” vis-a-vis “African American culture.” But, I digress. Back to me and dating.

I don’t want to be alone forever. True, I have no desire to get married and have kids. At the same time, that soooo doesn’t mean I want to be completely devoid of sexual / intimate relationships with men. Although I’m not seeing anyone at the moment, I’ve dated absolutely lovely men in my past. And, yeah, I’m sure I’ll date other fabulous men in the future. It’s just, you know, I don’t know any single, eligible New York guys with whom I share a mutual attraction. At least not right now. Whatever. I guess what I’m trying to say is this … There’s a really simple truth behind my lighthearted talk about being a black woman with adventures and misadventures on a Jewish dating site: I want to share my life with someone. If I stumble across that fabulously interesting person on JDate, great. If not, life — albeit still single — goes on!

Cue the sappy music.

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“Jewish Heart Pin” is available for purchase at www.wendylewis.com.

I’m a Black Woman, and This Is Why I’m Signing Up for JDate.com

 Relationships  35 Responses »
May 202009
 

I'm Signing Up for JDateI make the decision while brunching with Megan. One month ago. I’m enjoying the good food and great company when this totally random dude who tells Megan and me he’s in his mid 50s — though he looks 100% buff and I’d guess him at 45 or 47 tops — comes up to us and starts talking. He says he’s been sitting at a table nearby and he really enjoyed eavesdropping us as Megan and I giggled and told stories to each other. “You girls look like you’re having so much fun, like you’re enjoy life.” I’m not freaked out because I think his tone is polite small talk with stranger not creepy, lecherous old guy. Still, part of me wonders: What the hell does he want? Why is he even talking to us?!?! I’ve been in New York too long. If the same dude came up to my table at a restaurant in rural Illinois, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. Anyway. The guy goes on to explain he’s a native New Yorker and he loves all the different neighborhoods and he’s seen the city change so much and he opens his wallet to show us a picture of his father because he loves him so much and yada yada yada IT’S THE JEWS’ FAULT THE RENTS ARE SO HIGH IN THIS CITY!!!! THEY’VE [and, I'm directly quoting him here] “BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SAME THING FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS!!!”

Record scratch. I shit you not, Megan and I kind of tag glances at each other with wide eyes like: Are you fucking kidding me? Did he really just say that? It’s the 2000s, not 1930s. This is New York, not Kentucky. Is this guy for real? Unfortunately, he doesn’t stop talking and he keeps spewing a bunch of antisemitic bullshit. I don’t even hear him anymore because I start this crazy “what do I do?” inner dialogue: Do I go off on him and tell him he’s way out of line? Or, do I ignore him because he’s trying to pull me into an argument and anything I say will only fuel him? If I don’t say anything, will he think I agree with him? How do I tell him I think he’s an asshole without turning into the asshole who screams — because I know my temper and I definitely would’ve screamed it — “you’re an asshole” in the middle of the restaurant? And, so on and so on. Eventually, the dude walks away. I’m mad at him for being such an jerk, and I’m even more upset with myself because I didn’t do anything more than dismiss him by saying, “You know what? We’ve gotta go.” Megan and I get into this interesting discussion about TONS of stuff after that. I’m like, “Man, fuck him. How the hell could he say stupid shit like that without knowing anything about us? You’re white but you could’ve been Jewish. Hell, I could’ve been an Ethiopian Jew for all he knows. That boyfriend I almost married several years ago was Jewish.” So, time passes and we somehow switch the topic to dating. I have this random pro-Jewish moment / epiphany: I’m going to sign up for J-date. Why? Because: Why not? Why should I avoid a dating site simply because it predominantly features Jewish men? That night, I log onto JDate.com for the first time in my life.

“JDate was like this comfortable, trustworthy sweatshirt,” reads one of the site’s testimonials. My first thought? Who the hell doesn’t love a comfortable sweatshirt?!? I WANT A COMFY SWEATSHIRT!!! Great. I start setting up my profile. “What type of relationship are you looking for?” I check “a date,” “friend,” “a long term relationship,” and “activity partner.” In short, everything except “marriage” and “marriage and children.” This is fun, and it’s just like signing up for Match.com. I continue to the next page, but that’s where the site starts to show its Jewish card. Third question on screen two: “Do you keep kosher?” The choices are: “Only at home,” “At home and outside,” “To some degree” and “Not at all.” I pick the last one and I continue. Whew! So far, so good. And, I’m happy to see the “Your ethnicity?” question pop up because I think they’ve already taken it into consideration that the goyim are crashing the gates of the JDate.com party. Yay! I can’t wait to select “black / African American” but, to my surprise, here are the only choices:

  • Ashkenazi
  • Mixed Ethnicity
  • Another Ethnic
  • Sephardic
  • Will tell you later

Holy Moses! I don’t even know what any of those mean :( I click “Will tell you later” and continue to the next screen. Next question? “Your religious background?” Something tells me Dutch Reformed Protestant / Non-Denominational Christian isn’t on the list, and I’m right. Here are the selections:

  • Orthodox (Baal Teshuva)
  • Conservative
  • Conservadox
  • Hassidic
  • Modern Orthodox
  • Orthodox (Frum)
  • Another Stream
  • Reconstructionist
  • Reform
  • Secular
  • Traditional
  • Unaffiliated
  • Will tell you later
  • Willing to convert

Okay, so, maybe this is going to be harder than I thought. :) And, quite frankly, the next question is the one that makes me call it quits: “How often do you go to synagogue?” I stop filling out my profile because I feel like a poser. The site is sooooo not for me. Well, at least that’s what I thought until last night. Cut to dinner at Penelope with Andrea and two other women — one is Jewish. I tell her I’m considering signing up for JDate and, interesting enough, I’m surprised she really encourages me to go for it! But, I’m even more shocked by my own dormant stereotypes as well as what she reveals about her experiences with Jewish men on the site. “You know,” she starts, “I think it’s easier for non-Jewish women to find dates on JDate.” Now, I’m curious. She’s got my attention. “Really?” I scoot my chair a bit closer to hers. “Why do you think that’s true?” Kiddies, you’ll find out the answer to THAT … and hear other fun “Adventures on JDate” stuff … tomorrow. (I hate really really long blog posts.)

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Image by Amos Chris

How to Date a White Guy

 About Men, About Women, Relationships  42 Responses »
Apr 132009
 

White GuyOh yes, my sweeties, today’s Manly Monday pick — weekly celebrations of everything manly — is/are: White Men. (You knew this was coming, right?) I got the idea to write about white guys in particular after receiving the following email from a Funky Brown Chick reader:

Hi Twanna,

Not sure if this constitutes [a request for] dating advice but here it goes…

I read FUNKY BROWN CHICK® often and I notice that you date all races of men. I have only dated black men but I am interested in dating men of other races. Problem is, I do not know how to meet them, or at least I don’t know how to meet ones that are interested in dating black women. I feel like I see enough of them on the daily at work or happy hour but it seems as if they don’t even look at me as a dating prospect [...]

If it will help you to answer the question, I am a 28 year old living in Baltimore. I enjoy cultural events and people who are diverse in their lifestyles and ideas.

Hope that helps.

[name redacted]

I’m gonna take a stab at this one because: (1) I think it will be fun and (2) I thought I’d share my wealth of knowledge since I’ve dated a lot of white dudes, Latinos, half the countries in Western Europe, a Moroccan guy, black Americans, and … whatever … the list is too long. Anyway. If you’re a brown-skinned woman who wants to date Dudes of Different Ethnicities (DDEs), here are a few TOTALLY “politically incorrect” tips.

SOCIALIZE. If you want to meet new men period (whether black, white, Vietnamese or any other ethnicity), you gotta go to the right venues. Generally speaking, sports venues attract a higher percentage of dudes … just like, say, nail salons attract more women. I have one word for you: SOFTBALL. If your job, church and/or city has a community league, join it. In Baltimore, I know there’s the Baltimore Sports & Social Club. If you don’t like softball, try golf, tennis, rugby, water polo or lacrosse tournaments to meet all different kinds of guys. STAY AWAY FROM HOOPS!!! Because we all know who plays basketball!!!! ;) Say you don’t like sports? No problem. Go to political networking stuff. Though there are exceptions, right-wing nutjobs aren’t necessarily known for loving brown-skinned women. Go left: Obama groups, Drinking Liberally, MoveON or book readings at independent bookstores. You’ll find scores of DDEs who are open to brown women.

MOVE. You mentioned you live in Baltimore.You might have better luck in Seattle, Portland or San Francisco. Those cities are STUFFED with fair-skinned liberal folks who love brown-skinned people and will gladly tell you: “Some of my best friends are black.” ;)

LOOK ONLINE. There’s been a boom in interethnic online dating sites. I mentioned this in an article I wrote for Mashable. Click here and see #3 for details.

LIGHTER OR WHITER, BUT NOT WASPY. Try to find your oppressed allies: The Scots. Puerto Ricans. Jews. Irish people. Italians. Generally speaking, they’ll understand prejudice, racism and discrimination better. This will greatly cut down on your “I Don’t Have Time To Tell A ___ Dude Everything He Needs to Know About Black Women” lesson planning.

There ya go, my dear! :) Kisses and good luck. Now, for the rest of you, feel free to leave additional tips, comments and other thoughts in the comments section. Ooh, ooh, ooh … and be sure to read How to Date A Black Woman.

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