Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

I Had Sex Five Times This Year … So Far

I don’t get nearly as much action as men often think I do. Apparently, if you write about (shh, whisper it!) S-E-X — or condoms, dating, relationships and stuff related to getting it on — the assumption seems to be: you must screw around a lot! Seriously? Have we, as a culture, become THAT repressed? I’m human. I’m an adult. Sex happens. Does that mean it occurs every day? Nope. Does it happen with every guy I meet? Absolutely not. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but I’m much more exacting than that. Even if I wasn’t, who the hell cares?

I’m single. Using only one hand, I can count the number of times I’ve had sex in 2009 — I mean, you know, with someone besides myself. I don’t keep track of my trysts any more than I keep track of how many times I exercise in a month; The number on its own is meaningless. That said, if I had to guess, I’d say I had sex 4 or 5 times this year. Granted, I have a high sex drive and each “time” included multiple sessions throughout the night and next morning. But, the point is: My bedroom HARDLY has an open door policy. There’s no velvet rope, but I will say this: Very few guys have seen my apartment, fewer know what my bed looks like and even fewer can say they’ve been between my legs — or pumped away inside my vagina while hunched over my back — on my mattress. Or my floor. Or my shower. Or anywhere else in my home.

I know plenty of friends and acquaintances in dead relationships and marriages. I don’t want to date someone for the sake of dating, and I’d rather be on my own than with the wrong guy. That doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel lonely, wish I had a boyfriend or grow bored of sleeping solo. Nor, for the record, does that mean I haven’t nakedly thumped away with a younger guy or foreign dude (or both!) warmly squeezed between my inner thighs at 2:00a.m., noisily waking the neighbors. [Whistles innocently. Looks at sky. Avoids direct eye contact.] Um, right, so, where was I? Yes …  For now, it simply means, I’m not making my dating life a high priority. Sex life? If I get an itch, I’ll scratch it myself or occasionally accept one of my guy friends / acquaintances’ happy offers.

To be clear, sure, I would still like to fall feet first into a healthy, stable, longterm relationship with a handsome, witty and funny man. But, I’m kind of “over” making efforts to “make it happen.” No more online dating sites. No matchmakers. I’m done. Tired. Finished for the moment. Oddly, now that I’ve pulled away, I’ve met more interesting men in the past few months than I have all year. But, that’s neither here nor there. For now, I’m focused on other things. Writing. The Holidays. Spending great times with good friends. Getting ready to see my family in Illinois. That’s the stuff that occupies my time. Everything else is secondary for now.

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Credit paid: Photo by Mo Riza

November 17th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [8] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Breaking News: Black People Have Sex!!!! :)

Come here often? I wrote my first blog post here on June 21, 2005. If you haven’t been reading since the beginning, I don’t want you to feel left out. So, as I mentioned previously, for the remaining Saturdays of the year, I’m writing roundups that highlight things you may have missed. The first Saturday roundup’s was about dating. The second covered living in New York. This week, I’m talking about ethnicity. I’m a sex, dating and relationships writer. I’m also a black woman. I’ve been fairly vocal about the fact “black issues” and “sex issues” aren’t mutually exclusive. Earlier this year at Open Center’s Sex in America, I (and others) gently reminded the panel — which included no minorities — that people of color have sex, too. Just ask my vagina. She’ll tell you it’s true! :) In case you’re interested in this stuff, below are posts I’ve written about race/ethnicity and sex:

• Diary of a Tired Black Man. A friend told me about Tim Alexander’s film, so I wrote about it on Funky Brown Chick. Tim wasn’t happy about what I said, and he left comments on my blog to let me know exactly how he felt. Read the post and comments. To form your own opinion, I also recommend his film. It’s available to Netflix  members streaming (FREE!): Diary of A Tired Black Man.

• How to Date a Black Woman. Read my tips for dipping in the brown sugar ;) For another perspective, see the companion piece How to Date a White Guy. If you like this topic, be sure to weigh in on: Are White Men Who Like Black Women More Attractive?.

• Black Couple Adopts White Daughter (Interracial Adoption). Understanding relationships isn’t exclusively a question of sex. Who we consider “family” also counts. Essence, a monthly magazine for African-American women, published a great piece about one couple’s colorful collection of children. Read about Mark and Terri Riding.

• Black Women Love Colin Farrell. Ah, remember him? If you like this post, hop over to YouTube for “a staged reading of the Colin Farrell sex tape transcript performed by professionally-trained Shakespearean actors.” Trust me. You won’t regret it; it’s sooooo made of win!
  

October 10th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [4] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Single Women’s Affairs: Sleeping With Married Men

Nearly half a dozen of my single girlfriends recently told me they’ve had (or are currently having) affairs with a cheating spouse. Interestingly, when I mention this to others — without outing anyone of course — the responses from outside the community are a bit the same. “Homewreckers!” “These women should know better.” “Wow, did she say WHY she’s going after someone’s husband?” These reactions strike me as strange for two reasons. First, the focus is always on single women. I don’t fault them for dating taken men. They aren’t cheating on their partners; the men are. Take Mashonda’s eloquent plea to Alicia Keys, for example. (Quick story in case you missed it: Alicia Keys is allegedly having an affair with Mashonda’s husband, producer Swizz Beatz.) She berates Keys’ “constant displays of selfishness and disconcern to me and my son” and barks “you know how you contributed to the ending of my marriage.” It’s glaringly apparent the rant places blame squarely on The Other Woman instead of the Husband. If the rumors are correct, Swizz Beat — much like David Letterman and countless other (albeit less famous) men — had consensual sex with a woman that wasn’t his wife. Which reminds me, I said there were two reasons I don’t “get” why people get riled up about others’ affairs. Here’s the other: If two consenting adults have sex, it’s usually really no one else’s business besides the parties involved.

To my knowledge, I’ve only slept with one married man. It was a British guy from my first summer in New York, and I’ve written about him before. A white dude with brown hair and blue eyes, he told me he had a high-paying, fancy Wall Street job in lower Manhattan. He was cute. I was attracted to his face and his British accent, not his money. I bought my own drinks to prove it. He told me was single. We flirted for hours over countless beers and cocktails until I eventually took him home. We had sex, but it wasn’t especially good. (Probably my fault as much as it was his; we’d both had a lot to drink.) In any case, once it was over, he asked, “Do you mind if I go home?” I told him he was free to leave if he wanted. I wasn’t going to beg him to sleep over. His response was: “My wife wouldn’t like it if I stayed.” When I reminded him said he was divorced, he replied something like: “Divorced. Separated. Unhappily married. What’s the difference?” Mind you, I don’t have any moral objections to men fucking around on their wives or women screwing around on their hubbies. It’s not my business. However, if I’m in bed with a guy who lies to me about being single, that’s a different story. It felt like he purposely didn’t tell me his status because he thought I wouldn’t sleep with him if I knew. That’s shitty. Give me the truth and let me decide whether or not I want your penis in my body.

Would I sleep with a guy I KNEW was married? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t. Yet. Though, I’ll admit it: Their raw appeal has a certain je ne sais quoi. No, fuck that. I know EXACTLY what it is. Married men are the unknown, forbidden fruit I’m not supposed to desire. I’m subversive and, within limits, I like doing things I’m not supposed to. That said — although I’ve been naked and, yes, had sex with several women’s boyfriends — I haven’t had the balls to ball it with a dude with a ringed finger. For better or worse, I’d probably be a horrible mistress. I’m definitely discrete, so that’s not a problem. But, I don’t think I could handle making myself available to a man on his terms only. I imagine he could only see me when it was convenient for him. He wouldn’t be able to stay the night on a regular basis, answer my calls regardless of present company or do anything else like that says: I’m yours. On the contrary, if he was truly mine, he wouldn’t be married. Besides, in my mind, affairs are about sex. Just sex. Nothing else. From my experience sleeping around with guys who’ve had girlfriends, regardless if they said otherwise when we were together, if they got caught they told it like it was to their partners: It was just sex. She didn’t mean anything to me. Generally speaking, if The Other Woman mattered more than the wife, she wouldn’t be relegated to Other Woman status. Quite frankly, that’s why I’ve gone out of my way to make that point with each of the girlfriends who’ve recently linked with nuptialed men. It’s just sex. They’re my pals; I don’t want them to get hurt. Now that I think about it, that’s probably why I haven’t been able to go all the way with men I knew were married. I don’t want to get hurt either.

Are you a married man who had (or is having) an affair? Have you been The Other Woman? Are you appalled by people who sleep around with people they shouldn’t? Reading How to Have an Affair and Never Get Caught? Debating whether you’d like to sleep with a married man? Are you a married woman cheating on your spouse? One of the fun things about writing on Funky Brown Chick site is that I get to connect with a bunch of different people from various backgrounds who come here with many different experiences. You all know the drill: Agree or disagree with me and/or your fellow commenters if you’d like — just don’t be an asshole about it. So, feel free to leave your two cents below. Speak anonymously if it gives you the ability to be more honest.

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Credit paid: Image is by Stephanie Hofschlaeger

October 5th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [38] folks got down with the Funky Brown

This Is Why We Have Sex …

Sometimes I just want to get fucked. Seriously. I crave the sensation of a guy’s hard penis gliding inside my crevices. I love it when men know exactly how to handle and touch me in a way that makes me feel desired. Whether it’s on my ass, the small of my back, my neck or inside my vagina, I like how men’s strong hands & fingers feel when they touching my body. And, oh my goodness, how much do I love erections?! Looking at a firm tube of flesh (or discretely feeling the bulge through a clothed man’s trousers as he presses again me), is like experiencing several inches stand at attention while crying out to me: “Heeeeeey, Twanna, I am aroused and I want to enter your body.” I. Love. That. Screwing. Boinking. Getting nailed to my mattress as the full weight of his masculinity rubs against me and I grew hotter, hornier, wetter. Sex for fuck’s sake. Literally. Like, you know, when I’m into a guy & we’re dating, I have sex because I like it and it feels good. Who doesn’t like it? Weeelll ….

I recently read about University of Texas at Austin psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss’ book, “Why Women Have Sex.” Published this week, it’s getting a lot of press because they claim there are exactly 237 reasons women have sex — most of which have very little to do with pleasure. The Daily Mail, The Guardian, Huffington Post, Fox News, Newsweek, and others are all gossiping about this, but one piece caught my attention in particular. CNN’s coverage. Here, watch their video:

In the article that accompanies the clip above, CNN mentions — of the authors’ approximately 1,000 interviewees — “about 80 percent of the women said they were in a relationship at the time.” They close with this observation / excerpt: A 26-year-old heterosexual woman wrote, “When I was single, I had sex for my own personal pleasure. Now that I am married, I have sex to please my husband. My own pleasure doesn’t seem as important as his. I believe he feels the same way.” Unfortunately, she’s not alone. In the movie above, the woman with the cute accent proudly admitted: “A lot of times when you don’t want to do it, you do it just to pleasure your partner … Because you don’t want to disappoint them.” Her dude stood by her side in agreement.

Um, what the hell? I don’t care if you’re a man, woman or other: If you’re seeing, dating or married to someone who thinks your needs aren’t nearly as important as theirs, that’s not just a sex issue. That’s a relationship problem that likely manifests itself in many ways — not just the bedroom. Thank god CNN highlighted the married woman who confessed, although she’d been married two years, she never felt is was her “duty” to have sex. Couldn’t agree with her more. Here are a couple questions for you; feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments section below: (1) Do you think married women feel a greater sense of obligation to have sex than single women do? (2) Male and female Funky Brown Chick readers — whether you’re married or single — tell me why do YOU have sex?

October 1st, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [22] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How Does Music Affect Your Sex Life?

By now, you’ve likely heard of Babeland’s Freestyle. They’re calling it “the world’s first music-responsive vibrator” because it allows you to DJ your orgasm by connecting it to your iPod. I haven’t tried it out yet, but I’m curious. It’d be nice to hand-pick songs for the perfect O. Laid back, sexy, mellow mood? Maxwell. Having a hot, heavy, All-Star sex moment? Kanye. Several months ago, I linked up with Babeland for partial-sponsorship of my site: They’ll let me test drive (free) sex toys and I write reviews to tell you guys whether or not they suck. I haven’t really taken advantage of it yet because I already have toys that make me happy — though I might check in about the  music vibrator because it’s so different from anything already in my collection. If I try it, I’ll tell you guys about it. If you don’t want to wait for my review, feel free to get the toy now. (Shh! Here’s a coupon for $$$ off.) Yeah, yeah I know we’re in a recession. So, if $130 is too pricey, you can buy sex toys under $30 and/or read stuff I’ve written about getting cheap sex.

Hmm … Let’s get back to music. Although I like the idea of an ipod-vibrator pulsating combo to the beat of my favorite tunes, I have to admit I don’t typically play music while bumping and grinding with a guy. Seems like one of those goofy things that only happen in movies — though, yes, I did it once with “Boy #2.” (Longterm readers know about that blast from the past, new readers can google it.) Anyway. Ages ago, we were in his apartment sitting on the couch watching television and gobbling his homemade pasta dinner. When our plates were clean, he turned the TV channel to a blue screen digital station featuring random jazz artists and pictures of dudes playing trumpet. “Mood music,” he said and winked at me. It felt contrived, cheesy and distracting. A new tune would start and I’d think, “Um, I don’t even like this song and it feels awkward to make out to it.” Plus … Maybe I’m weird, but I felt oddly compelled to kiss to the beat. That, of course, was clunky and off. Anyway. Generally, I’d rather listen to a guy pant, moan and groan about how good everything feels. Seems more natural. Earlier this year, I remember reading a few news articles about lyrics + teen boinking, but I haven’t seen or read anything else interesting about the topic. Curious to know if any of you have thoughts about music and sex. As always, feel free to leave your $0.02 in the comments section.

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Photo credit: Yamamoto Ortiz

August 26th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [17] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Tell Me: Do You Like to Watch?

Just finished an article about cheap sex which ran on Huffington Post as well as Recessionwire’s “Love in the Time of Layoff” column. If you have a chance, read it. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Speaking of publishing, I get a lot of email from Funky Brown Chick readers with questions about sex and relationships — though many messages are often about “writing.” If you’re interesting in sparking your creativity to create a book, poem, painting, new design or whatever, I recommend the workbook The Artist’s Way. It’s an easy read and it includes a bunch of exercises and activities. In particular, I was/am a big believer in their “artist dates.” The idea behind it is kind of like: Heeey, if you expend a lot of creative energy, you need to do something to replace that and build up your reservoirs again. Read a new book. See a play. Go to a movie. Check out a new TV show.

So, I just got a tip about CBS’ steamy drama, The Good Wife, with Julianna Margulies and Chris Noth, right? Here’s one of the YouTube videos about the show (made to look as if Noth’s character is an actual American politician):

Given The Good Wife is supposedly set in Chicago — a city almost 60% comprised of people of color — it would’ve been nice to see a browner cast. That said, I’m still kind of curious about that show because I’m totally intrigued (yet, admittedly, somewhat baffled) by the “stand by your man” politician wives who support their spouses through extremely public political sex scandals. Interested to see how they’ll play the scene out in the CBS drama.

I don’t watch traditional cable because Hulu, Current TV, Netflix and many of the major networks offer free, legal and high-quality programming online. I’m always excited about discovering new-to-me shows, movies or whatever. So, if CBS makes The Good Wife available streaming on their website, I’ll likely watch it. If they don’t, I won’t. But, enough about me and what I’m watching. I want to know about you. Chances are, if you like my site — and, by default, the topics I write about or (at the very least) hearing the goofy ruminations of a neurotic, funky, brown-skinned woman in New York — we might have a few things in common or, maybe, share similar interests. I’d love to know if you’ve stumbled across anything particularly fun (TV, blog, movie, whatever) recently. If so, feel free to post your jewels it in the comments section. Tell me: What do you like to watch?

August 20th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I’m Giving Away Free Kisses & A Mug

Just wanted to say a quick “THANK YOU” for the supportive comments and feedback you’ve given about my Matchmaker session. Seriously, Funky Brown Chick has the best readers on the internet. You recently left fun, kind and encouraging comments on the blog and on my Facebook. If you’ve seen that classic Drew Barrymore romantic comedy Never Been Kissed, I feel like I’m at the end of the movie where there’s a big stadium of people cheering for me, hoping the cute guy shows up (courtesy of my matchmaker, of course).

By the way, speaking of kind words here and on Facebook, huge shout out to Funky Brown Chick readers in Australia!!!! Half dozen Aussies commented on a Facebook note I wrote about them. Great people. I’ve gotta go down under for a visit some day — especially that town called “Manly.” Sounds fun ;) I’m curious about the rest of you. If you’re not from Australia (or even if you are), please leave a comment in the section below to let me know where you are right now. As an added incentive, I’ll send a free Funky Brown Chick mug to a randomly selected person from today’s comments section. I’ll even cover it with a kiss or two before dropping it in the mail. Consider it a “Reader Appreciation” gift from me to you. By the way, this is an EXCELLENT opportunity for lurkers to dip their toes in the public comments section. No need to say much. Just a quick comment that says: “Hi from ___.” It’s always exciting to discover Funky Brown Chick readers live in Branson, Missouri; Roanoke, Virginia; Yucaipa, California and destinations outside the U.S. So, come on, why are you waiting? Your fingers are aching for you to type “hi” and, possibly, get a free coffee mug. Ready. Set. Go.

August 10th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [26] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How to Cuddle

August 4th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown