Twanna A. Hines @ FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com | sex. dating. relationships.

Martin Scorsese, Lies and Sex Tapes

Hope you all enjoyed a lovely MLK holiday! (I went to WNYC’s MLK: Generations Speak.) Speaking of Things That Happened During the Weekend, did you catch the Golden Globe Awards? Hollywood Foreign Press gave a lifetime achievement nod (the Cecil B. DeMille Award) to Martin Scorsese. Robert De Niro in presenting the honor: “Marty sleeps, drinks and eats film. I hear there are videos on the Internet of Marty having sex with film.” Ah, sex tapes. How àpropos! Recently, over Sunday night nibbles with three pals, I asked: “Have any of you ever taken nude photos of yourself or made a sex tape?” To my surprise, all three said “no.” I believe them … I just felt a little awkward being alone in the group. Granted, I’ve never made a full blown sex tape; that said, I’ve watched plenty & I’ve slapped my nude-but-not-visible videos on YouTube as well as bra/boobie shots. Plus, if you read Funky Brown Chick during the early years, you know I used to regularly post pics of my bare brown flesh in undies. I don’t think there’s anything inherently shameful, naughty or indecent about nude bodies.

On a related note, watch the above “Lemme See (Your Dick Pics) video by Carolyn Castiglia, Shawn Hollenbach and Soce The Elemental Wizard. (Pssst! You might recognize the latter from Jen Kwok’s Date An Asian Man.) Okay, so, curious to know how many people have privately taken dick pics / boob shots or other bare flashes, via my Twitter, I asked the internet: “What percentage of people have made sex tapes or taken nude photos?” One of the immediate replies: “I don’t know numbers, but I think it’s a much bigger % than people would expect.” I agree. So, now I’ll ask you: Have you taken nude pics of yourself or any of your lovers? Have you ever made a sex tape? The comments section awaits your stories.

Technorati Tags: Carolyn Castiglia, dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Golden Globes, Martin Scorsese, Men, relationships, Robert De Niro, sex, sex tapes, Shawn Hollenbach, Soce, Twanna A. Hines, women

January 19th, 2010 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [6] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How To Behave After Sex

Don’t agree with the gendered “biological nature” stuff. For example, in discussing what men and women want, they mention: SHE may want to bask in the afterglow of your special time together by expressing her hopes and dreams of your future together. I don’t know about you, but I’m much more likely to fall into a deep, coma-like sleep after sex. Mouth open. Snoring. A trail of drool lovingly linking my mouth to the dude’s chest. Anyway. Enjoy the video!

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PS: Posting something happy today to lift spirits / mood a bit. Like everyone, I’ve been keeping up with Haiti. Very sad :( You probably already know this, but you can help via Partners in Health or by texting “Haiti” to 90999 or other means.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, Haiti, Men, relationships, sex, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines, videojug, women

January 15th, 2010 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [13] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Manly Monday: What is The Average Penis Size?

Technorati Tags: dating, genitalia, genitals, Men, penises, relationships, sex, women

December 28th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown

I Keep Men At a Distance So They Can’t Danger My Heart

I’m perched several stories in the dark sky, curled up on the floral couch of my apartment’s living room. I’m alone. It’s 2:00 a.m and Manhattan’s streets are quiet — at least they are in this part of town. Wearing panties and a t-shirt, I’m on the phone with my friend Anna-Scarlet. Speaking softly, I explain lovers from my past fall into two categories. When I’ve felt vulnerable, I gravitated toward The Silent Types. They were introverted, came from money, had few friends, managed steady careers and were total neat freaks. They were in control. Predictable. Safe. At my strongest and most independent moments, I sought fun-loving, well-traveled, wild & crazy partners in crime. Apparently, uncertainty makes me crave stability and stability makes me stircrazy.

“Why do you think I chose those men?” I question Anna-Scarlet via my little red touch phone.

My Life Choices is a topic over which I ruminate plenty. So, I didn’t ask her because I lack self reflection. I simply wanted to hear her perspective. She’s one my of favorite no-bullshit, tell-it-like-it-is girlfriends. Unafraid to shield my feelings by only saying things I want to hear, she often provides personal insights I hadn’t considered.

“Twanna,” she sighs in a drawl. Anna-Scarlet is a fellow black woman raised in the deep south like I was (during childhood). “You’re afraid of intimacy. When you date risk-taking loose cannons, you’re actively seeking out people you know aren’t capable of forming stable relationships.”

I already know her words are true. She continues speaking, figuratively holding up a mirror to reflect an imperfection I often try to avoid. I keep men at a distance so they can’t danger my heart. Anna-Scarlet wants me to be a better person, and she wants me to have more fulfilling relationships.

My voice falls silent until I eventually mumble, “I know, I know.”

Now it’s my turn to sigh. I’m not sleepy; I’m weary. Everyone has emotional baggage. I’d like to check mine in somewhere and leave them for good but, oddly, I feel more comfortable with them at my side. “Okay,” I challenge, “So, what the story with the other side of the equation? Why do I date stable dudes?”

“You write about relationships and shit!!” She giggles. “Why are you asking me?”

“Even doctors seek second opinions when it comes to their personal health. Outside perspectives are always good.”

“True,” she agrees.

I think I hear her nod. “Soooo?” I wait. “What?”

“What do you mean ‘what’?”

“When do you think I’ll stop repeating the same patterns?”

“Twanna,” she starts. “You’ll stop seeking stability in men once you’ve discovered that for yourself. And, you’ll stop dating unattainable guys when you get tired of the dance and you’re ready to settle down.”

I know she’s right.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Men, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines, women

December 22nd, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [19] folks got down with the Funky Brown

How To Pick Up Women

If you could see my calendar, you’d know why I didn’t get around to updating Funky Brown Chick yesterday. (Actually, in case you’re interested, here’s a screenshot.) There’s something on every evening. And, some nights, like tonight, there are several events at the same time. Things are a bit crazier than usual because it’s the holiday season + end of the year when everything gets crammed in before we all kiss 2009 goodbye. Speaking of “kissing” (and events), I had a great time at Abiola’s Kiss and Tell Live. It’s a monthly erotic reading series. If you missed it last night, come in February for The Valentine’s Day Hangover. I’ll be performing. Haven’t decided what yet, but I’ll probably put it to a vote later and let Funky Brown Chick readers decide.

At last night’s Kiss and Tell, I’d already met everyone except the duo named Dave and Ethan. I checked out their website. They’ve got quite a few fun videos, so I thought I’d share one with you today.

Oooh, ooh, ooh, this gives me an idea!!! For the February performance, I might share the sexy story about how one of my exes picked me up. Hmmm … Gotta think about whether or not I want to talk about that one. Anyway. Guys, if you’ve got a fun story about picking up a woman you adored, feel free to share it in the comments section below. Ditto for the women; If someone wooed you particularly well, tell us how they did it.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, how to pick up women, Men, relationships, Twanna A. Hines, women

December 16th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [11] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Women are dirty whores who can’t be trusted!!

The Washingtonienne gave me gonorrhea – figuratively, not technically speaking. Here’s now it happened. Last night, I bumped into Nichelle at the 5th Anniversary Cupcake Takes the Cake Party. In passing, she mentioned recently hanging out with Jessica, author of The Washingtonienne, in New York. I forgot she lived here. So, today, I looked up her book again to see what she’s been up to. In an odd chain of ADHD point and clicking, I traveled from Cutler’s wikipedia page to The Smoking Gun to TSG’ videos. There’s where I got the idea to write about “gonorrhea.” Why? Well, one of TSG’s most frequently viewed clips is a vintage United States War Department Army Service Forces short film about sexual health called Easy To Get. Of course I watched it! Who doesn’t love a dirty girl?

Easy To Get contains so much WIN that I don’t even know where to start. Hmmm, maybe my favorite part is the section where the narrator reminds us it’s better for a baby to DIE than be born with syphilis. Or, maybe this part was the best:

ARMY DUDE: “You got gonorrhea , Baker.”
CORPORAL BAKER: “Gonorrhea?!?! I don’t know how I …”

ARMY DUDE: “I do. You had a dirty woman!”
CORPORAL BAKER: “No sir [...] She wasn’t a prostitute!”

ARMY DUDE: “You known her long?”
CORPORAL BAKER: “I met her the day I got home!”

ARMY DUDE: “On the street or in a bar?”
CORPORAL BAKER: “I don’t mess around with street walkers [...]“

Yes, my friends, street walkers are living gonorrhea vessels. Easy To Get is Made Of Win :) And ooh, ooh, ooh … how could I NOT love the part where the music turns sinister and Mr. Announcer says the girl seemed nice enough but SHE WAS DIRTY ON THE INSIDE!! :) Easy To Get = Easy To Love. Tons of great messages about health, clearing up STDs / STIs misconceptions about “the strain,” women’s roles in spreading disease and other fun stuff. See how the internet works? It goes from Jessica Cutler to The Smoking Gun to The Army … somehow gonorrhea gets mixed in … and then it goes to YOU via Funky Brown Chick. C’est tout! That’s all I’ve got for you today. Just a quick and “dirty” (ha, ha) post because I’m rolling toward Philadelphia as I type this. By the way, THANK YOU to the lovely folks at Bolt Bus. Their ridiculously inexpensive pricing — coupled with a great Priceline deal for a nice 4-star waterfront hotel — delivered quick and wonderful 3 day / 2 night weekend trip to see a friend. (Will tweet and post Philly pictures on my Flickr.)

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Credit paid: Dirty girl image is a self portrait by Phoney Nickle

Technorati Tags: dating, Easy to Get, film, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Men, military, relationships, sex, sexual health, Twanna A. Hines, women

December 4th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [7] folks got down with the Funky Brown

Wanna Hear a Good Story?

A few years ago, I met Ethan Hawke at an event where he promoted his book, Ash Wednesday. During the Q&A, I asked him: “So, you’re an actor, director and writer. Which role do you prefer and/or find most fulfilling?” I remember he said something like: They’re all the same thing. It’s all different versions of storytelling. Wise, right? His comment stuck with me because it was a different way of thinking. I enjoy documentary film, listen to This American Life, laugh at comedians and read memoirs. I like that stuff. A lot. Especially non-fiction. Though I hadn’t considered it until he said it, all collectively create the craft of storytelling – evoking meaning, conveying messages and sharing lives whether through comedians, writers, bloggers, journalists, actors or others. I mean, who doesn’t answer “SURE!” when asked, “Wanna hear a great story?”

Hosted by the lovely George Bodarky’s Cityscape explores “the people, places and spirit of New York City and its surroundings.” I’m honored he had me as a guest to share my story about being a solo woman in New York. “According to the Census,” WFUV reminds us, “more than half of all Manhattan residents live alone, and the number of singles in New York City is rising to historic levels.” If you’d like to hear what I — and a few other fun-spirited New Yorkers — had to say about being Single in the City, listen to the show. I missed the 7:30am Saturday broadcast because I was in Illinois en route to Chicago O’Hare for my return flight to New York. Luckily, thanks to listener contributions, the audio clip is available online. Listen to it. (Yay! Support public radio.) Also, if you like Cityscape, be sure to head over to another one of my favorites, Nora Young’s CBC Spark. For a recent show, Daemon Fairless and I briefly chatted about relationships & texting — or, to use Daemon’s words, “romancing the phone.” Clever, huh? We had great fun! Listen to it.

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Credit paid: Image is by Atilla Kefeli

Technorati Tags: CBC Spark, Cityscape, Daemon Fairless, dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, George Bodarky, Manhattan, Men, New York, relationships, sex, Single in the City, single life, Twanna A. Hines, women

December 3rd, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | leave a comment

How Do You Know If You’re ‘Good in Bed’?

I don’t think I give extraordinarily stellar performances in the sack, nor am I particularly horrible. I prefer quality over quantity. I don’t sleep with everyone; so, if I sleep with a particular guy, I want to do it in many positions, places and times of day … pushing our sexual and emotional boundaries as much as we’re both comfortable. And, if I’m really really really really into a guy (and things have progressed to a relationship), my brown body aches for him to touch, taste, smell, penetrate, lick, pinch and suck every single millimeter of it. In my mind, great sex is about mutual pleasure — my humping partner respecting, tending to and pleasing me as much as they want to do the same for them. Of course there are exceptions. If the guy can’t last longer than a few seconds, it doesn’t generally make for a good time. Period. If the dude is EXTREMELY attentive to my body, I’m probably going to have a really good time no matter what.

Who decides how/what/who makes a good lover? Everyone has different answers to that question. So, feel free to share your ideas in the comments section below. I’m particularly interested in hearing from: (1) people who have specific deal breakers that automatically make them go limp / dry up during sex; (2) people who’ve been with men or women who were LOUSY lovers and (3) people who’ve been with EXCELLENT lovers. In other words, ladies and gentlemen, here’s your shot: Use the comments section to describe what works well and what doesn’t.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Men, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines, women

November 24th, 2009 | Print This Post | link | Email This Post | [23] folks got down with the Funky Brown