25 Kickass Quotes from Naughty Women

 Living  10 Responses »
Mar 072013
 

Keri Washington

Well-behaved women seldom make history. That’s Laurel Thatcher Ulrich’s quote. Let’s raise a glass to women who roar — or whisper into their lovers’ ears. Enjoy 25 quotes from misbehaved and untamed beauties who didn’t go to finishing school, flunked out of school and started small businesses, or schooled us by titillating us as we watched them on screens and stages.

  1. “I don’t have to be perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect and beautiful journey of my life. It’s a trip more wonderful than I could have imagined.” ― Kerry Washington
  2. “I never hurt nobody but myself and that’s nobody’s business but my own.” ― Billie Holiday
  3. “I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.” ― Mae West
  4. “I don’t want to be rich. I just want to be wonderful.” ― Marilyn Monroe
  5. “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt
  6. “Sex can look like love if you don’t know what love looks like.” ― Rebecca Walker
  7. “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” – Coco Chanel.
  8. “Hollywood likes to put actors in boxes, and it likes to put Asian actors in really small boxes.” Sandra Oh
  9. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” ― Dita Von Teese
  10. “It was ability that mattered, not disability, which is a word I’m not crazy about using.” ― Marlee Matlin
  11. “Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.” ― Betty White
  12. “I am too intelligent, too demanding, and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one knows me or loves me completely. I have only myself.” ― Simone de Beauvoir
  13. “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” ― Madeleine Albright
  14. “One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying.” ― Joan of Arc Continue reading »

How to Fight Fair in Love

 Relationships  8 Responses »
Jan 292013
 

In love, at some point, you and your partner will likely disagree. You can either be right, or you can be in a relationship. Although more unpleasant than your your romance’s highs, the lows often better predict the likelihood of your relationship’s success or failure. Hurting people hurt people. So, where to do learn to have healthy disagreements and fight fair in love? The truth is: Many of us don’t. Healthy fighting is an acquired skill; don’t assume you or your partner has already mastered it.

Broken Heart

DON’T HIT BELOW THE BELT. Every fight has ground rules. Together, you’ll determine what counts as “hitting below the belt” and you’ll have to agree to not do it. As a baseline, neither you nor your partner should tolerate emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Additionally, common civilities include: listen, don’t interrupt, and stay respectful. From there, build upon “don’t talk shit about my mother” or “can you please stop nagging me about the toilet seat” kind of boundaries.

FIGHT THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU. Don’t assume your current love is going to behave toward you the way your previous love(s) did.

THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. Slow down. Think. Then, speak. An old acquaintance was accustomed to requesting “Let me sleep on that” before making major decisions. I always loved that idea. Granted, it’s not likely you’ll pause an argument to nap. That said, take a breath or two before speaking to prevent making statements you’ll regret later.

REPEAT WHAT YOUR PARTNER SAID, NOT WHAT THEY DIDN’T SAY. When paraphrasing your partner, if you find yourself accusing “you think” or “you want me to,” stop. Instead, lead in with “I hear you saying” or “if I understand you correctly.” Otherwise, you may find yourself in hours of the Needless Tangle of Misunderstanding. Head’s up: Don’t manipulate your partner or let them manipulate you. If either of you have said words you regret, don’t claim you didn’t say them. Apologize and move forward.

REALIZE YOU CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT. Self explanatory.

KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY, KNOW WHEN TO RUN. It’s like that old adage: The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it. Relationships take a lot of hard work. That said, if you and your partner fight very often, it may be time to reevaluate your situation.  Determine: Should You Stay or Leave? If you’re sticking with it, good luck. Arguing will happen, and it’s important to know when to walk away. If you are considering leaving your relationship for good, know that breakups are rarely easy. In either case, best wishes for courage in your journey forward.

Tomorrow’s update is already finished: Is Your Lover Emotionally Abusive or Just Insensitive? Subscribe to receive an automatic notice once it’s live.

Single People, You Are Not Crazy

 Relationships  2 Responses »
Jan 282013
 

No one ever teaches us how to hurt in love. If you’re still single and you are failing in your relationships, please understand: You are not crazy. Or, if you think you are, know that the people around you may be equally confused, neurotic, scared, or hurt. (As a result, they may sometimes do things like showcase The Craft of Writing with Wrath.)

“Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn’t,” says Dan Savage. I agree. Though, I would take that a couple steps further: Even when you find the right relationship, you will still fail in it. Repeatedly. Without meaning to, you will say things to hurt your partner. You’ll disagree. You’ll be inconsiderate. You’ll fight. Finding a good relationship is less about getting everything perfect and more about realizing you and your partner will both be imperfectly human.

Interracial Couple

How do we learn how to have solid, healthy relationships? Some of us discover from the way our parents treated us; however, they should love us as guardians love children, not as a lover. For others, either we didn’t grow up with two parents or we don’t want to mirror the type of relationship we witnessed in the home. In any case, finding and sustaining the right relationship can be very difficult during the rocky times. Learning how to compromise (e.g. make concessions) with someone without compromising yourself (e.g. surrender what is most dear to you) can be difficult and scary. The key is to find a partner for which the compromise he/she requests doesn’t require you to compromise yourself. Once you’re there, you’ll need help getting through the rough spots. Stay tuned; this week’s FUNKY BROWN CHICK® updates give tips for remaining healthy when times get hard.

Should You Stay or Leave?

 Relationships  41 Responses »
Jan 072012
 

Psychology Today’s Are You with the Right Mate? is appealing. It’s a question we all ask: Is there something better? Homebuyers wonder if they’re picking the right house. Renters who double up wonder if life would be sweeter with a different roommate. Employees wonder if they should stick with their current job’s stability or accept a new opportunity with better pay or a better work environment.

Broken Lock

I recently returned from a Chicago stay at the Hotel Felix where a friend and I overheard a 20 something dude in the lobby bar ruminating about his love life, sloppily debating whether or not he should leave his 34 year-old girlfriend. “I’m 28. I don’t have any kids. I’ve never been married. I own my own business …” Dumbass, I muttered under my breath. You think you might be able to get something better because you’re a catch in the Midwest. In Manhattan, I can’t go to a party and spit straight without it hitting at least a dozen guys kind of like you except they would be richer and hotter. If you truly love your girlfriend — and, more importantly, if she’s good to you — keep her. For now.

I’m a fan of casual sex, fucking around, and having tons of experiences with a lot of different people when you’re single. New Yorkers live the hell out of life first, then settle down (if ever). I’m in my 30s, single, never been married, and I don’t have any children. I was frustrated with the Hotel Felix lobby bar guy because I wondered: “If I ever move back to Chicago, will all the good men my age be already married? Would I be stuck dating someone like this guy — a 20-something blabbing he wanted to dump me?”

Read this. It’s from a couple years ago, but I still feel the same. I miss the Midwest like hell, and I’ve contemplated moving back. Not tomorrow. Someday. I’m noncommittal about longterm plans. I could own a pad in River West, Wicker Park or Humbolt Park in 2016, or I could remain on the East Coast forever. It’s like that old adage: The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it. Today, I’m watering the grass in New York City. If I ever decide to move, I’ll water the grass somewhere else just fine, too.

I will always love New York. For your viewing pleasure: “Never A Dull Moment On the NYC Subway” (via the lovely and delicious Jonathan Fields)

“Sooner or later there comes a moment in all relationships when you lie in bed, roll over, look at the person next to you and think it’s all a dreadful mistake,” says the Are You with the Right Mate? article. Finding happiness isn’t about chasing the next best thing. Regardless who you’re with now (or are seeking), there will always be someone hotter, richer, smarter, thinner, curvier, less challenging, more challenging, more fun, more something. If you believe your personal happiness is what matters most and you would be happier without your significant other, it may be time to figuratively “water” the relationship a bit more. However, if you’re already doing that yet grass keeps dying anyway, it may be time to reevaluate.

Dating: A HowAboutWe Review

 Relationships  15 Responses »
Dec 302011
 

Online dating is like shopping at Forever 21. You have to sift through a bunch of crap before you find that one cute dress. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently test-drove HowAboutWe – a site that lets you suggest a date idea or tell someone you’d like to join them for their suggestion. Scanning dudes’ posts, I found a few, um, gems. HowAboutWe …

  • “Stay in and take in a good movie while we take in each other.”
  • “Go get stupid drunk and have blast. I only drink once a month so that one night is always fun.”
  • “Both dress up as Snooki and make out.”

Reading these suggested dates depresses me because it makes me the majority of people online are only looking for casual sex. As you likely already know, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with consenting adults hooking up. It’s just that I don’t need a website to get it. The “send” button on my cell phone works just fine. So, if I’m online dating, I’m looking for something a bit more than strictly sex. To be fair, some of the dates posted sounded interesting, including HowAboutWe …

Any date that involves me ripping meat open with my incisors will always sound like fun. I can’t help it; I’m Midwestern. So, a few weeks ago, I gave HowAboutWe a try by contacting dudes who suggested meatloving dates. Online, like offline, when dudes ask me out to a restaurant, movie, museum, bar, or whatever, I often let them take the lead on suggesting the venue. I’m easily entertained; I usually don’t care what we do. However, a friend who attends Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts suggested I should make a list of everything I want to do in New York and, whenever someone asks me out, see it as an opportunity to cross something off my list. (Mama Gena’s is a New York institution as much as a part of the city as yellow taxi cabs. If you’re not familiar with her, listen to a free audio sample that promises to fan the flame of your desires. You’re welcome.)

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yes, online dating.

Instructables DIY laptop stand

In addition to link up with a  few HowAboutWe guys who intrigued me with their date ideas, I posted a date idea or two of my own, including: How about we watch people skinny-dip at Carsten Höller’s “Experience” at the New Museum? After living in New York nearly 7 years, it’s one of the few museums I had yet to visit. To my delight, a dude said he would like to join me. I was even more surprised when I found out we actually already knew each other through a mutual friend. We went Dutch at the museum and hung out for the day. I had fun! (NOTE: The exhibit’s slide is more intimidating than you’d think. I screamed like I motherfucking banshee on the way down.)

Cutting through the bullshit, online dating is often about finding someone with whom you can share your time, touch, lick, kiss, and/or possibly sleep with. So, yeah, if you’re interested in trying something different, I’d suggest giving HowAboutWe a try. After the free trial they gave me expired, I didn’t renew it; but, the experience was well worth it.

Good Sex Is Still Just Sex

 Sex  12 Responses »
Dec 292011
 

It’s been months since I’ve had contact with or enjoyed the New York dude’s penis. I miss it very much. But, not enough to have it again. Ah, if only the guy attached to it was a better person for me :(  Usually, when I don’t update my site for several weeks, I’m either enjoying a private love affair about which I don’t want to write, or I’m busy working. For much of the Autumn / Winter, I was doing both. For more regular updates, find me on Facebook and Twitter.

Back to the guy.

I love friendships with men because they give me: (1) a guy’s perspective on things and (2) a stable selection of fuck buddies whenever I need one. In conversation with a guy friend / fuck buddy I’ve known for a couple years, I confessed, “I stayed in my most recent relationship, even though I had doubts about him since the beginning, because I was lonely and the sex was good.” The guy friend reminded me, “Well, if you’re looking for good sex …” We joked around a bit. Eventually, he slipped back into supportive friend mode — returning to what I said about staying with the guy I dated. “Those two things aren’t a good reason for staying in a relationship.” He paused. “You knew that, of course.”

I did. I still do.

Sex Shop Kino

I’m not sure what’s in store for my sex & dating life in 2012. But I — like many of you who are single out there — truly believe somewhere, somewhere, I will find someone to love me for who I am. Again. I’ve had great relationships in the past, mostly pre-New York. I have no reason to believe I won’t have them again. I deserve it. So, I leave you today with this parting thought from my pal Natalie Lue‘s relationships site: “Every time you say YES to an unhealthy situation, or continue to participate in it once it becomes apparent that it’s not what you thought it was or could be and is in fact unhealthy, you’re saying NO to a healthy relationship and essentially making yourself *unavailable*.”

Here’s to being more available in 2012.

How HowAboutWe Works

 Relationships  5 Responses »
Oct 292011
 

Kate Huyett - HowAboutWe.com

Try online dating, if you haven’t already. You might like it. Rewind to last summer, before snow fell on the ground and grey skies clouded the heavens. I was sitting at an Italian restaurant’s white linen-clothed table in lower Manhattan with a married Brazilian woman and one of her redheaded acquaintances. We were three women having otherwise unremarkale dinner conversation until the girl with orange hair asked the Brazilian, “How did you meet your husband?”

The wedded one avoided eye contact. “Through a friend.”

Liars usually lie when they’re uncomfortable with the truth. I knew the once-bride met her then-groom online, but I didn’t call her out on it. Experience has taught me, when you confront liars on a bald-faced lie, they get angry. Not at you, at themselves. But, they still take it out on you anyway.

“Really?” The unwitting acquaintance continued talking to the married Brazilian, “Which friend? Maybe they could set me up!”

The wedded lady moved her hips to shift weight, forked food around her plate, and awkwardly lapped her tongue up and down to partially confess, “I met my husband through a guy who set us up on It’s Just Lunch.”

The puzzled acquaintance tried to push ill-fitting pieces together. “You know someone works at It’s Just Lunch?”

“N-n-no, I didn’t know them,” the woman with the ring stuttered. “We were just matched through the service.”

“That’s … wait … So, you didn’t meet through a friend?” The redhead’s eyes bounced from the married lady to me and back again. “Why didn’t you just say you met online?”

The married woman looked at her plate.

In Austin next March, at my South by Southwest (SXSW) panel Sex, Dating and Privacy Online Post-Weinergate with Rachel Kramer Bussel, Violet Blue and Samhita Mukhopadhyay, I’ll delve into: online dating & stigma, how the internet has changed the nature of “privacy,” the politics of sex scandals, and why this matters in the lives of everyday people & their coworkers. In the meantime, for now, let’s stick to simply talking about adults who date online.

The dating service industry includes 393 entities who employee nearly 3,125 people and generate $928 million in revenues. Recently, HowAboutWe linked up with FUNKY BROWN CHICK®, gifting me with an account so I could write a review. Separating my personal love life from my professional life, when I create my profile I’ll specifically include something like: I run FUNKY BROWN CHICK® and I’m on HowAboutWe to write a review.

If you’re not familar with the site, based on New York City’s Lower East Site, HowAboutWe lets you post date ideas and/or tell someone you’d like to join their suggested date. I could post, “How about we take off our clothes and go skinny-dipping in Carsten Höller’s Experience at the New Museum?” Interested parties could privately message me or click “I’m intrigued.” (Fret not! Just example; I’m not literally going to suggest an exhibition.) What I like about HowAboutWe co-founders Brian Schechter and Aaron Schildkrout‘s approach is this: they creatively match people by common interests instead of body type, height, or other things that ultimately don’t matter. As a result, you’d meet potential dates online similar to the way you’d meet them offline.

“[O]nline dating, now, is tantamount to dating,” Sadie Stein writes in her Jezebel piece Has online dating really lost its stigma? “Especially in cities, it’s simply a useful shortcut, and for every self-aggrandizing frog, there’s the great guy who [...] you date for two years.” Maybe longer. Perhaps, one day, you’ll sit at an Italian restaurant’s white linen-clothed table in lower Manhattan, boldly telling someone: “I met my husband online via HowAboutWe.”

My next post will be a full HowAboutWe review. Until then, please feel free to use the comments section to tell me about any of your online dating experiences.

Sex: Pregnant During Period?

 About Women, Relationships  7 Responses »
Oct 242011
 

SAFETY

MYTH: “If you have sex while you’re on your period, there’s absolutely no way for you to get pregnant.”

DIRECT VIDEO LINK:

youtube.com/watch?v=EY49Y1y1zz8

VIDEO TRANSCRIPT:

“M” (age 27): “If you have sex while you’re on your period, there’s absolutely no way for you to get pregnant. Think about it. You’re bleeding. Where’s the egg gonna go? It’s like a totally inhospitable landscape in there.”

Eve Espey, MD: “Eggs can find an oasis in any landscape. The truth is: There’s no absolutely safe time. For one thing, not every episode of bleeding is an actual period. So, just remember to be covered 100% of the time.”

My $0.02 [not included in video, special bonus for FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers]: “In case you’re wondering, But, aren’t there times that are more safe than others for barebacking?! and/or How does ovulation work?, check out National Institutes of Health’s blow-by-blow description of ovulation. “Fertile days,” they explain, “are the days a woman is most likely to get pregnant.” So, theoretically, you won’t get pregnant if you avoid your fertile days, right? Wrong. There’s a catch (or two or three). Sperm loves vagina. In fact, sperm loves hanging out in the vag so much that it’s able to stay alive in there for up to 3 to 5 days after sex. Plus, it’s not wholly possible to know exactly when a woman is going to ovulate anyway. And, very few women have naturally 100% regular menstrual cycles. Long story short: If you’re having sex and you don’t want to get pregnant, use birth control.

Sex + Chocolate: Meet the New Class

 Relationships  3 Responses »
Oct 192011
 

“When it comes to sex,” writes Arielle Loren, “fear is a catalyst for silence and preserving ignorance [...] If you’ve ever had a question about sex go unanswered, know that these women are passionate about educating, sharing stories, and spreading knowledge.”

I’m flattered and humbled to be included with Columbia University’s Dr. Hilda Hutcherson and other amazing women in Clutch magazine’s 10 Black Women Teaching Us About Sex. If you love sex — and sexy, brown-skinned women writing about tantra, transgender, queer, sensual strength training and other topics   — this list is must see / must read.

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