Sweet baby Buddha on a 10-speed bicycle!! I gotta interrupt melancholic ruminations about my love life to answer NY friends & others who’ve asked me: “What the fuck is going on in Illinois?!?!” I’m a New Yorker now, but I was born with a couple corn cobs hanging from my mouth in the Land of Lincoln. One of my best friends in high school lived on a farm. I. Have. Milked. A. Damn. Cow. So, really, I have to talk about Rod Blagojevich today. It’s a de-facto Wanker Wednesday.

The Backgrounder: Illinois is corrupt. Seriously. Fucking New York sent “Scarface” Al Capone from Brooklyn to Chicago in 1923; by 1924, he was almost running the place — taking ownership of Cicero’s town council. Barack Obama’s original opponent for the IL senate seat, Jack Ryan, paid someone to stalk Obama. Under cover of night, Mayor Daley once secretly ordered wrecking crews to bulldoze huge X-shaped craters in a small aiport’s runway because (Chicago voters wishes be damned!!!) he wanted it closed. And, speaking of airports, you know Chicago “O’Hare” is named after the son of “Easy Eddie” O’Hare — a mob lawyer who willfully collaborated and made a fortune with Scarface. Later, O’Hare got in bed with the Feds to bring Capone down; the gangster gave O’Hare a Chicago-style “thank you” by having him gunned down in his car. In the past 40 years, I think 4 out of 8 (or, depending how you count, 3 out of 6 … doesn’t matter, it’s half either way) IL governors have had brushes with federal prison. I’m not sure any state can match that. Shit, even the saying “vote early, vote often” specifically refers to Illinois’ long history of politicians/gangsters manipulating votes. Be ye not fooled by the Midwestern smiles; Iraq is less of a political minefield than Springfield, Illinois. People, I’m telling you: There are gangsters in them there cornfields!!

NO ONE in Illinois is surprised about Blagojevich. No one!!! :) The man is goofy. What other statesman cusses more than Tony Soprano? (Blag on Obama: “Fuck him!”) Who the hell goes on The Daily Show without knowing it’s a comedy??? A year or two ago, when The Daily Show interviewer called Gov. Blagojevich “Gov. Smith” because he couldn’t pronounce his name, asked him to pretend he was a hot 17-year-old who needed contraceptives and questioned whether he was the real “gay Governor”, Blagojevich’s response was: “Is he teasing me, or is this legit?” Who does that??? “With all due respect to the governor,” said someone baffled by the incident, “he [had to know] it was a comedy show. It’s general knowledge for people under 90 years of age.” And, of course, the newest goofiness from G-Rod Blago … apparently, the guy tried to “sell” Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. The seat, he said, “is a fucking valuable thing, you don’t just give it away for free!” So, if anyone out there is still wondering: “What the hell is going on in Illinois?” The answer is what it has always been: “Politics as usual.”

Technorati Tags: Al Capone in Illinois, Barack Obama, Blago, Cicero, Daily Show, Daley machine, Easy Eddie O'Hare, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, G-Rod, Governor, Hines, Illinois, Jon Stewart, Rod Blagojevich, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

Sex, drugs, the mafia and the Daily Show. Illinois politicians are living proof that, if you eat too much corn, it will eventually make you goofy. And, if you aren’t careful, excessive corn-munching could turn you into a gangster. Yes, I know that corn is nutritious. And, yes, I know there are a lot of politicians for whom Illinois voters can be proud. (For example, the only black US Senator — the deliciously sexy Barack Obama — is an Illinoisan; additionally, thirteen years ago, Illinois sent the Senate its first black woman ever, Carol Moseley Braun.) But, still, it’s true: the corn has made Illinois-elected politicians downright goofy … and some have even gone so far as to become gangsters. I have evidence:

ROD BLAGOJEVICH
Because the Governor (affectionately known to Illinoisans as “G-Rod”) supposedly didn’t know that the Daily Show spoofs the real news, he went on the show to give a serious interview. Puzzled when the interviewer asked him if he was the “gay governor”, G-Rod continued to talk for a while but eventually became confused and turned to someone off camera to ask, “Is he teasing me, or is this legit?” That’s just goofy. [Read the news articles.]

BETTY LOREN MALTESE
Maltese is the former mayor of Cicero—the Chicago suburb whose claim to fame is that it’s where Al Capone established his empire. In federal prison since 2002, Maltese is currently serving an 8-year sentence for mafia relations and corruption. Yep. Some people think Betty is a gangster. And, some people think that she looks pretty goofy. Is it possible? Goofy *and* a gangster?

JACK RYAN
This young, slick, wealthy, investment banker with a winning smile challenged Barack Obama in the 2004 Senate Race. Ryan eventually dropped out after: (1) people discovered that he paid an aide to stalk Obama and (2) it was made public that Ryan’s ex-wife, Star Trek’s Jeri Ryan, divorced him because he dragged her to sex clubs and wanted her to do a live sex show! I think that’s, well, goofy.

FINALLY, DA MARES
(translation: “The Mayors”)
Wikipedia has an article on the Daley Machine; read it. From sneakily sending wreckers to an airport in the middle of the night [little Daley] to notoriously getting caught on camera mumbling “fuck you, you Jew motherfucker” at a Democratic National Convention [big Daley], the Daleys were/are quite skilled at attracting attention to themselves. The “fuck you” comment is not only goofy, it’s kind of stupid and racist; further, reporters around the world said the airport incident was reminiscent of Chicago’s gangster past. Seeeee? There we have it, again, folks: goofy *and* gangster. Need I say more? Trust me, my sweeties. Just to be safe, don’t any eat corn this weekend.

Technorati Tags: BETTY LOREN MALTESE, DA MARE, Democratic National Convention, G-Rod, Governor Rod Blagojevich, Illinois, JACK RYAN