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Illinois

My Kind of (Home)Town

If Funky Brown Chick posts like Eating Too Much Corn Makes You Goofy and I’m from Illinois, Bitches! didn’t already give it away, I’m from the Midwest. I like to keep up with hometown’s happenings. Perusing online news sites yesterday, I discovered Chicago’s Sear Tower has a new name: Willis Tower. Whatevs. If my know my the second largest city in the US like I think I do, people will keep calling the building by the old name. The Tribune agrees: “On the day that the nation’s tallest building was officially renamed Willis Tower, at least a few Chicagoans were still in the dark — or, at the least, denial — about the skyscraper’s new identity.” The reporter quotes Second City-dweller Sue Becker, 53, who comments, “They still call it Marshall Field’s, so it’s always going to be Sears Tower.” It’s one of the many things I love about my beloved home state: People are less likely to wrapped up in stuff that doesn’t matter. Sure, some big fancy London-based insurance brokerage (Willis Group Holdings, Ltd.) can roll into town and hang its name on one of the city’s favorite buildings, but that doesn’t really “change” anything. It’s still the Sears Tower. God, I love the Midwest.

Next month, I’ll return to Chicago because I’m speaking at BlogHer. (Shout out to my fellow panelists: Laura Roeder, Ree Drummond and Susan Getgood.) It will be good to get out of New York for a bit. Although I often pick on Illinois and mention all the reasons I left it (i.e. it’s more segregated than The Old South, colder than Siberia and located in the middle of fucking nowhere), I don’t spend enough time talking about the handful of things that made me love it while I was there. So, next week, I’ll take you along for a hometown visit. I’ll post pictures of my favorite things, places and foods. Granted, for now, I much prefer living in New York City, but that doesn’t mean Chicago wasn’t a hell of a town.

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I Need to Take Better Care of Myself

Relaxation ChairYesterday, to relax me, a woman informed me I need to get out of NYC pronto because the world is ending and Manhattan would be underwater no later than December 2009. Wait. Let me give you a bit of backstory … I have a horrible habit of forgetting to pamper myself. I often skip drinking 8 glasses of water per day. Because it’s cold outside, I’m not running as much as I usually do. And, instead of going to bed at a decent hour, I’ve been staying up late and/or wake up early to work on my book (editing, restructuring, strengthening the arc, etc. etc). I need to take better care of myself. So, as a self-congratulatory treat for finishing the first rough draft of my full typescript, I went with two college friends — Mags and Bro — to get a facial and deep tissue massage. (It’s Spa Week in New York.) The facial was awesome; I soooo want to get another one in the future. The woman who massaged me was chatty, friendly and had really strong hands.

I told her I was originally from the Midwest and I’d only lived in New York for a little more than four years. “I’m not sure how long I’ll stay,” I confessed. “I love the city and I certainly feel more at home here than I ever did in Small Town USA. But, I miss having a roomy apartment, greenspace, family and a lot of other things in Illinois that just seemed, you know, healthier. The people were friendlier … more genuine … in the Midwest.”

Her response? “You need to get out of New York!!” She told me I had “demonic” knots in my back and my body was literally shutting down on me due to my fast pace lifestyle in New York. “Save up your money,” she warned, “and use it to move out of this city. I’ve had visions. This place is going to be underwater by the end of the year anyway. Get out while you still can!!!”

Um, okay. Couple thoughts. First: This shit only happens to me. Of course I go in for a relaxing massage only to be told Satan has taken over my back muscles … and, by the way, the world is ending. Second thing: Yes, I’ve not been taking care of myself lately. But, if I’m not doing that in NYC, it’s likely I’ll not do it in other cities too. I need to shift my paradigm about self-care — not just my address. Third thing: It’s important to note this woman isn’t completely looney. New York Post wrote this article about this National Geographic special about Manhattan succumbing to the seas due to a hurricane. But, whatever. Here’s the lesson I’m going to take away from what the masseuse said …

She told me what I needed to hear. You all saw The Matrix, right? There’s this part where Neo goes to see the Oracle. Right after the bald-headed girl says “there is no spoon,” the Oracle tells Neo he’s not the one. Which, of course, isn’t true. So, Neo tells Morpheus and Morpheus writes it off as: “she told you exactly what you needed to hear.”

Should I leave New York? Does Lucifer have a vulcan death grip on my back muscles? Is Manhattan going to be washed away? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe so. Did that woman TOTALLY FUCKING FREAK ME OUT and cause me to re-evaluate how much I am or am not taking care of myself? Yep. Am I going back to my old habit of making healthier life choices because of it? Absolutely.

Ah, if only it weren’t necessary to constantly “relearn” lessons I already learned ages ago …

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Who is Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?

Sweet baby Buddha on a 10-speed bicycle!! I gotta interrupt melancholic ruminations about my love life to answer NY friends & others who’ve asked me: “What the fuck is going on in Illinois?!?!” I’m a New Yorker now, but I was born with a couple corn cobs hanging from my mouth in the Land of Lincoln. One of my best friends in high school lived on a farm. I. Have. Milked. A. Damn. Cow. So, really, I have to talk about Rod Blagojevich today. It’s a de-facto Wanker Wednesday.

The Backgrounder: Illinois is corrupt. Seriously. Fucking New York sent “Scarface” Al Capone from Brooklyn to Chicago in 1923; by 1924, he was almost running the place — taking ownership of Cicero‘s town council. Barack Obama’s original opponent for the IL senate seat, Jack Ryan, paid someone to stalk Obama. Under cover of night, Mayor Daley once secretly ordered wrecking crews to bulldoze huge X-shaped craters in a small aiport’s runway because (Chicago voters wishes be damned!!!) he wanted it closed. And, speaking of airports, you know Chicago “O’Hare” is named after the son of “Easy Eddie” O’Hare — a mob lawyer who willfully collaborated and made a fortune with Scarface. Later, O’Hare got in bed with the Feds to bring Capone down; the gangster gave O’Hare a Chicago-style “thank you” by having him gunned down in his car. In the past 40 years, I think 4 out of 8 (or, depending how you count, 3 out of 6 … doesn’t matter, it’s half either way) IL governors have had brushes with federal prison. I’m not sure any state can match that. Shit, even the saying “vote early, vote often” specifically refers to Illinois’ long history of politicians/gangsters manipulating votes. Be ye not fooled by the Midwestern smiles; Iraq is less of a political minefield than Springfield, Illinois. People, I’m telling you: There are gangsters in them there cornfields!!

NO ONE in Illinois is surprised about Blagojevich. No one!!! :) The man is goofy. What other statesman cusses more than Tony Soprano? (Blag on Obama: “Fuck him!”) Who the hell goes on The Daily Show without knowing it’s a comedy??? A year or two ago, when The Daily Show interviewer called Gov. Blagojevich “Gov. Smith” because he couldn’t pronounce his name, asked him to pretend he was a hot 17-year-old who needed contraceptives and questioned whether he was the real “gay Governor”, Blagojevich’s response was: “Is he teasing me, or is this legit?” Who does that??? “With all due respect to the governor,” said someone baffled by the incident, “he [had to know] it was a comedy show. It’s general knowledge for people under 90 years of age.” And, of course, the newest goofiness from G-Rod Blago … apparently, the guy tried to “sell” Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. The seat, he said, “is a fucking valuable thing, you don’t just give it away for free!” So, if anyone out there is still wondering: “What the hell is going on in Illinois?” The answer is what it has always been: “Politics as usual.”

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Who Won the Debate?

Although I live in New York now, I’m a native Illinoisan. I grew up in the land of cornfields and white snow. I know you can’t let your gas tank get too close to the little red “e” mark during January because your lines will freeze. Phrases like “wind chill factor” and “lake effect snow” actually make sense to me. I can handle myself during a tornado drill. I’ve smiled at “Da Mare” on TV, driven across the Great Plains along I-55 and seen the Misssissippi River flowing under a bridge to Iowa. I actually know Iowa jokes!!!! On this blog, I’ve written posts like “I’m from Illinois, Bitches” and “Eating Too Much Corn Makes You Goofy.” When you crack open my veins, you’ll see teeny chunks of yellow corn peppered through my blood.

When I was in Chicago, I lived in Wicker Park and supported my alderman Manny Flores because I liked his politics and I thought he was hot. (Look at him. See? He’s hot.) I had a job in an area called Hyde Park, Barack Obama’s neighborhood. During my free time, among other things, I briefly volunteered for Obama’s state sentator campaign — spending my Saturday afternoon getting my fellow Americans registered to vote. So, when I say, “I’m voting for Barack Obama” I don’t mean that in a blind, drunk-on-the-Koolaid, bandwagon-lovin’ kind of way. I mean I really like him. That doesn’t mean I don’t like my readers who support McCain/Palin. It just means we’re voting for different people. We’re adults here, right; we can handle disagreements.

Anywho. Last night, I missed the debates because I was out celebrating my friend Sara’s b-day. Like many people, I woke up and Googled my way around articles to find out: (1) what the candidates said and (2) how people are reacting to it so far. When I stumbled upon this Washington Post article about this McCain-Palin 2008 advertisement, I thought: “Whaaaa?!?!?” Before microphones were all turned off and chairs were neatly stacked away, the McCain camp ran an ad declaring “McCain Wins Debate” in huge letters with the fine print “Paid for by McCain-Palin 2008.” WTF? Partisanship aside, that’s kind of silly / funny / slightly scary. It would like me running an ad that says “FUNKYBROWNCHICK.COM VOTED BEST BLOG IN THE WORLD” followed by small type admitting ” … by the woman who writes it.”

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Barackin’ the Sexy Bollywood Videos

Of course I’m going to write about Barack. I’m originally from Obamaland — Illinois. (If you didn’t know that, you can read this, this and this for more info.) I volunteered on Obama’s state senator campaign back when few people outside of my beautiful home state knew his name — let alone how to spell or pronounce it. I love it that he’s the democratic nominee; he’s already got my vote. “Ewww, but this blog is about sex, dating and relationships,” you protest. “Why are you writing about politics?” Oh, silly people! ;) Don’t you know? I wanna have sex, date and enter into a delicious relationship with Obama. But, I can’t because he’s married. So, instead, I just write about him, his non-cockblocking ways and my sexual fantasies about the man. You know. That kind of stuff.

Dropping by the lovely Afrobella‘s site, I stumbled upon this oh-too-funny “Barack Does Bollywood” video. Thought I’d share it with you all:

Cute, huh? By the way … Full disclosure? I have a longterm memory, and I’m not gonna jump on the bandwagon and pretend that I didn’t like the Clintons back in the day. Yesteryear, I’m pretty sure I chose the C-ticket twice. A New Yorker now, I voted Hillary for New York senate and (many years before that) I picked Bill for the presidency. And, sooooo, um, yeah, I’m gonna leave that there. More sex, dating and relationships stuff tomorrow.

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VIDEO: Found on YouTube via Think on These Things via Afrobella

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NYC’s Julia Allison in The New York Times, part II

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that New York isn’t the center of the universe. Such was the case on Sunday when I cracked open a fresh copy of the New York Times (…online, by double clicking the orange and blue Firefox icon). Julia Allison. “Maybe, just maybe,” Leslie Kaufman’s article starts, “if Carrie Bradshaw, the dynamo at the center of the phenomenally successful television series ‘Sex and the City,’ were still in her 20s and just starting her ascent into New York life in 2008, maybe, just maybe, she would be like Julia Allison.”

“Are you shitting me?” I asked my laptop’s computer screen. “Julia Allison™ is in the Times?”

Full disclosure: although I hail from the same Midwestern locale that she does, I don’t know Julia Allison. I’ve recently spotted her across the room at various parties, but we’ve not yet met. Nevertheless, almost everyone I know has a J-Al Story. “She saved me a seat at XXX event” or “she came to our XXX party” or “yeah, I went to her birthday party” or “oh God, she went to New Trier and that explains everything.” It kinda feels like I’m in high school again and everyone wants to tell me their tale about the popular girl. But, this isn’t high school. It’s real life, adult life. So, the rules change a bit. Our “it” girl isn’t a cheerleader; she’s a columnist for one of the community’s weekly listings magazine, Time Out New York. And, sure, the daily newspaper just did a story about her. But, the “local paper” has more than 1 million readers. It’s the Gray Lady. The New York Times. The largest metropolitan newspaper in the United States.

“If Carrie Bradshaw were coming to New York today,” the Times quotes Julia, “she would be me.”

Self-aggrandizing? Maybe. But, here’s the thing … Is she 100% right? Probably. In fact, nearly everyone who writes words about dating gets compared to Carrie Bradshaw. My personal favorite? Folks who’ve called me Carrie Brownshaw or Carrie Blackshaw. Ooh, ooh, ooh … and let us not forget this lovely comment:

Can’t you be a bit more original … your not CARRIE BRADSHAW!!!…me thinks you’ve been watching way too much Sex and the City, your blog entry is bordering on plagiarism. Been reading your blog here and at Nerve and have noticed over the past couple of weeks and finding your tales very unbelievable. FBC used to be a good read, but I fear she is slowly disappearing up her own a-hole to please her growing audience and popularity.

I climbed out of my own asshole long enough to respond:

Regarding your Carrie Bradshaw comment … Many people live in New York City. Many people date here. And, they all have stories. That doesn’t mean that every New York dating story = Sex in the City. I think Rachel Kramer Bussel said it best. “I’ll be thrilled,” she writes on one of her blogs, “if no one ever makes a totally lazy, ridiculous Carrie Bradshaw comparison ever again.” If I’ve learned anything about New York in the two years that I’ve lived here, [I've learned] that New Yorkers value originality. Please respect mine. And, if you are going to criticize my writing, please be original in your criticism.

That is what it is. Whatever. The Carrie stuff doesn’t bother me; I actually think it’s kind of entertaining of humorous. But, back to Julia Allison. Yesterday, I commented that the Times piece was a “great article about New York life.” Indeed it is. Hmm, a girl from Illinois moves to the Big City with dreams of doing something more with her life than marching in step with the rest of the crowd? Yeah, I can certainly relate. How does that song go? “If you can make it here …”

Near the close of the article, the Times writer says, Julia is committed to “reaching for the gold ring, no matter how many time she is slapped back.” I say: as long as she isn’t hurting (or disrespecting) others or herself, let the girl reach I guess. Everybody’s got dreams, and Julia definitely seems to be going for hers. Kudos to her for making it into the New York Times.

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* By the way …. I’m only following up on this story because I said, “more later” yesterday. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. Manly Mondays (or Testicle Tuesdays) coming up soon.

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