Sweet baby Buddha on a 10-speed bicycle!! I gotta interrupt melancholic ruminations about my love life to answer NY friends & others who’ve asked me: “What the fuck is going on in Illinois?!?!” I’m a New Yorker now, but I was born with a couple corn cobs hanging from my mouth in the Land of Lincoln. One of my best friends in high school lived on a farm. I. Have. Milked. A. Damn. Cow. So, really, I have to talk about Rod Blagojevich today. It’s a de-facto Wanker Wednesday.

The Backgrounder: Illinois is corrupt. Seriously. Fucking New York sent “Scarface” Al Capone from Brooklyn to Chicago in 1923; by 1924, he was almost running the place — taking ownership of Cicero’s town council. Barack Obama’s original opponent for the IL senate seat, Jack Ryan, paid someone to stalk Obama. Under cover of night, Mayor Daley once secretly ordered wrecking crews to bulldoze huge X-shaped craters in a small aiport’s runway because (Chicago voters wishes be damned!!!) he wanted it closed. And, speaking of airports, you know Chicago “O’Hare” is named after the son of “Easy Eddie” O’Hare — a mob lawyer who willfully collaborated and made a fortune with Scarface. Later, O’Hare got in bed with the Feds to bring Capone down; the gangster gave O’Hare a Chicago-style “thank you” by having him gunned down in his car. In the past 40 years, I think 4 out of 8 (or, depending how you count, 3 out of 6 … doesn’t matter, it’s half either way) IL governors have had brushes with federal prison. I’m not sure any state can match that. Shit, even the saying “vote early, vote often” specifically refers to Illinois’ long history of politicians/gangsters manipulating votes. Be ye not fooled by the Midwestern smiles; Iraq is less of a political minefield than Springfield, Illinois. People, I’m telling you: There are gangsters in them there cornfields!!

NO ONE in Illinois is surprised about Blagojevich. No one!!! :) The man is goofy. What other statesman cusses more than Tony Soprano? (Blag on Obama: “Fuck him!”) Who the hell goes on The Daily Show without knowing it’s a comedy??? A year or two ago, when The Daily Show interviewer called Gov. Blagojevich “Gov. Smith” because he couldn’t pronounce his name, asked him to pretend he was a hot 17-year-old who needed contraceptives and questioned whether he was the real “gay Governor”, Blagojevich’s response was: “Is he teasing me, or is this legit?” Who does that??? “With all due respect to the governor,” said someone baffled by the incident, “he [had to know] it was a comedy show. It’s general knowledge for people under 90 years of age.” And, of course, the newest goofiness from G-Rod Blago … apparently, the guy tried to “sell” Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. The seat, he said, “is a fucking valuable thing, you don’t just give it away for free!” So, if anyone out there is still wondering: “What the hell is going on in Illinois?” The answer is what it has always been: “Politics as usual.”

Technorati Tags: Al Capone in Illinois, Barack Obama, Blago, Cicero, Daily Show, Daley machine, Easy Eddie O'Hare, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, G-Rod, Governor, Hines, Illinois, Jon Stewart, Rod Blagojevich, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

Sexy people vote, ugly people don’t. Don’t be ugly today. :) I’m going to the booths early in the morning to avoid the lines. Some FBC readers are Democrats, some are Republicans. Others are independents, international folks who can’t vote in the US election or people who fall into different categories. I’m not gonna use this blog to try to sway your vote one way or another. Why? Because that’s not what you come here for; you’re here to read about my life.

I live in New York City and, as most of you know, I’m originally from Illinois. Of course I’m voting for my fellow Midwesterner Barack Obama; I volunteered on his state senator campaign long before almost anyone outside my homestate knew who he was. I hope you’ll vote for him, too; I’ll still love you as an FBC reader even if you don’t.

I’ll be watching the votes come in at an election party with a bunch expats from Europe. (Although I’m originally from IL and now live in NY, I lived in the UK and Europe over a period of four years. Long story.) I’ll post election day picks on my Flickr later this week.

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama, expats, Illinois, Joe Biden, John McCain, Sarah Palin, US presidential election, vote

Although I live in New York now, I’m a native Illinoisan. I grew up in the land of cornfields and white snow. I know you can’t let your gas tank get too close to the little red “e” mark during January because your lines will freeze. Phrases like “wind chill factor” and “lake effect snow” actually make sense to me. I can handle myself during a tornado drill. I’ve smiled at “Da Mare” on TV, driven across the Great Plains along I-55 and seen the Misssissippi River flowing under a bridge to Iowa. I actually know Iowa jokes!!!! On this blog, I’ve written posts like “I’m from Illinois, Bitches” and “Eating Too Much Corn Makes You Goofy.” When you crack open my veins, you’ll see teeny chunks of yellow corn peppered through my blood.

When I was in Chicago, I lived in Wicker Park and supported my alderman Manny Flores because I liked his politics and I thought he was hot. (Look at him. See? He’s hot.) I had a job in an area called Hyde Park, Barack Obama’s neighborhood. During my free time, among other things, I briefly volunteered for Obama’s state sentator campaign — spending my Saturday afternoon getting my fellow Americans registered to vote. So, when I say, “I’m voting for Barack Obama” I don’t mean that in a blind, drunk-on-the-Koolaid, bandwagon-lovin’ kind of way. I mean I really like him. That doesn’t mean I don’t like my readers who support McCain/Palin. It just means we’re voting for different people. We’re adults here, right; we can handle disagreements.

Anywho. Last night, I missed the debates because I was out celebrating my friend Sara’s b-day. Like many people, I woke up and Googled my way around articles to find out: (1) what the candidates said and (2) how people are reacting to it so far. When I stumbled upon this Washington Post article about this McCain-Palin 2008 advertisement, I thought: “Whaaaa?!?!?” Before microphones were all turned off and chairs were neatly stacked away, the McCain camp ran an ad declaring “McCain Wins Debate” in huge letters with the fine print “Paid for by McCain-Palin 2008.” WTF? Partisanship aside, that’s kind of silly / funny / slightly scary. It would like me running an ad that says “FUNKYBROWNCHICK.COM VOTED BEST BLOG IN THE WORLD” followed by small type admitting ” … by the woman who writes it.”

Technorati Tags: Barack Obama, Illinois, John McCain, Palin, who won the debate

Of course I’m going to write about Barack. I’m originally from Obamaland — Illinois. (If you didn’t know that, you can read this, this and this for more info.) I volunteered on Obama’s state senator campaign back when few people outside of my beautiful home state knew his name — let alone how to spell or pronounce it. I love it that he’s the democratic nominee; he’s already got my vote. “Ewww, but this blog is about sex, dating and relationships,” you protest. “Why are you writing about politics?” Oh, silly people! ;) Don’t you know? I wanna have sex, date and enter into a delicious relationship with Obama. But, I can’t because he’s married. So, instead, I just write about him, his non-cockblocking ways and my sexual fantasies about the man. You know. That kind of stuff.

Dropping by the lovely Afrobella’s site, I stumbled upon this oh-too-funny “Barack Does Bollywood” video. Thought I’d share it with you all:

Cute, huh? By the way … Full disclosure? I have a longterm memory, and I’m not gonna jump on the bandwagon and pretend that I didn’t like the Clintons back in the day. Yesteryear, I’m pretty sure I chose the C-ticket twice. A New Yorker now, I voted Hillary for New York senate and (many years before that) I picked Bill for the presidency. And, sooooo, um, yeah, I’m gonna leave that there. More sex, dating and relationships stuff tomorrow.

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VIDEO: Found on YouTube via Think on These Things via Afrobella

RELATED LINKS:

• Jon Stewart - Hillary Clinton, Obama and West Virginia and a “good old-fashioned douche-off”
• Hillary Clinton attacks Barack Obama incident tracker
• goodCRIMETHINK: the blog of conscious comic and vigilante pundit Baratunde Thurston
• Onion News Network: John McCain vowed that if elected he would save taxpayers millions by replacing the Secret Service with his own bare fists

Technorati Tags: Afrobella, Barack Obama, Baratunde Thurston, Bill Clinton, Bollywood, Chicago, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, goodCRIMETHINK, Hillary Clinton, Illinois, John McCain, Jon Stewart, The Onion

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that New York isn’t the center of the universe. Such was the case on Sunday when I cracked open a fresh copy of the New York Times (…online, by double clicking the orange and blue Firefox icon). Julia Allison. “Maybe, just maybe,” Leslie Kaufman’s article starts, “if Carrie Bradshaw, the dynamo at the center of the phenomenally successful television series ‘Sex and the City,’ were still in her 20s and just starting her ascent into New York life in 2008, maybe, just maybe, she would be like Julia Allison.”

“Are you shitting me?” I asked my laptop’s computer screen. “Julia Allison™ is in the Times?”

Full disclosure: although I hail from the same Midwestern locale that she does, I don’t know Julia Allison. I’ve recently spotted her across the room at various parties, but we’ve not yet met. Nevertheless, almost everyone I know has a J-Al Story. “She saved me a seat at XXX event” or “she came to our XXX party” or “yeah, I went to her birthday party” or “oh God, she went to New Trier and that explains everything.” It kinda feels like I’m in high school again and everyone wants to tell me their tale about the popular girl. But, this isn’t high school. It’s real life, adult life. So, the rules change a bit. Our “it” girl isn’t a cheerleader; she’s a columnist for one of the community’s weekly listings magazine, Time Out New York. And, sure, the daily newspaper just did a story about her. But, the “local paper” has more than 1 million readers. It’s the Gray Lady. The New York Times. The largest metropolitan newspaper in the United States.

“If Carrie Bradshaw were coming to New York today,” the Times quotes Julia, “she would be me.”

Self-aggrandizing? Maybe. But, here’s the thing … Is she 100% right? Probably. In fact, nearly everyone who writes words about dating gets compared to Carrie Bradshaw. My personal favorite? Folks who’ve called me Carrie Brownshaw or Carrie Blackshaw. Ooh, ooh, ooh … and let us not forget this lovely comment:

Can’t you be a bit more original … your not CARRIE BRADSHAW!!!…me thinks you’ve been watching way too much Sex and the City, your blog entry is bordering on plagiarism. Been reading your blog here and at Nerve and have noticed over the past couple of weeks and finding your tales very unbelievable. FBC used to be a good read, but I fear she is slowly disappearing up her own a-hole to please her growing audience and popularity.

I climbed out of my own asshole long enough to respond:

Regarding your Carrie Bradshaw comment … Many people live in New York City. Many people date here. And, they all have stories. That doesn’t mean that every New York dating story = Sex in the City. I think Rachel Kramer Bussel said it best. “I’ll be thrilled,” she writes on one of her blogs, “if no one ever makes a totally lazy, ridiculous Carrie Bradshaw comparison ever again.” If I’ve learned anything about New York in the two years that I’ve lived here, [I've learned] that New Yorkers value originality. Please respect mine. And, if you are going to criticize my writing, please be original in your criticism.

That is what it is. Whatever. The Carrie stuff doesn’t bother me; I actually think it’s kind of entertaining of humorous. But, back to Julia Allison. Yesterday, I commented that the Times piece was a “great article about New York life.” Indeed it is. Hmm, a girl from Illinois moves to the Big City with dreams of doing something more with her life than marching in step with the rest of the crowd? Yeah, I can certainly relate. How does that song go? “If you can make it here …”

Near the close of the article, the Times writer says, Julia is committed to “reaching for the gold ring, no matter how many time she is slapped back.” I say: as long as she isn’t hurting (or disrespecting) others or herself, let the girl reach I guess. Everybody’s got dreams, and Julia definitely seems to be going for hers. Kudos to her for making it into the New York Times.

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* By the way …. I’m only following up on this story because I said, “more later” yesterday. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. Manly Mondays (or Testicle Tuesdays) coming up soon.

Technorati Tags: Carrie Blackshaw, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrie Brownshaw, Illinois, Julia Allison, Leslie Kaufman, New Trier Township High School, New York Times, Sex and the City, Time Out New York

Aye, Illinois, my beloved homestate. Over the past 40 years, Illinois has had eight governors. Exactly half have been sent to prison. Can *ANY* other state stake that claim on history?! Gov. Dan Walker was convicted in the Savings and Loan Association scandal of the 80s. Gov. Rod Blagojevich, allegedly tried to “sell” Obama’s senate seat. Gov. Otto Kerner, according to the Chicago Tribune, was convicted of “bribery, conspiracy, income-tax evasion, mail fraud and perjury”. George Ryan: Racketeering? Check. Conspiracy? Check. Fraud? Check. Victim of anal rape? Um, well, we all sadly know what happens in prison. Illinois gangsters, I tell ya. Straight up corn-loving gangsters. Why this topic today? To truly understand today’s Manly Monday pick, you’ve gotta understand how we roll in Illinois. Things are special out in the cornfields. Really special.

John Stroger, the first African-American Cook County Board President, passed away last Friday. I won’t reproduce a eulogy here because others have already done a more thorough job than I ever could. Read all about Stroger online at Cook County’s site and elsewhere. An accomplished man in life, the Chicago Tribune says his he’ll also be remembered as “an old-style politician who put a priority on using government to help his friends and family members”. My response? Um, duh, the man was from Chicago, wasn’t he?

John H. Stroger, Jr. Born: May 19, 1929. Died: January 18, 2008. He joins the Dearly Departed, God rest his soul.

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Photo credit: Image appears at The HistoryMakers

Technorati Tags: Chicago Tribune, Governor George Ryan, Governor Rod Blagojevich, Illinois, John H. Stroger, John Stroger, Jr.

It’s probably not a good idea to start an analogy with, “It’s kind of like, you know, if I were to pose nude for Playboy.” But, yes dear readers, that’s exactly how I tried to explain my blog to my family. As many of you know, I’ve been somewhat of an anonymous blogger — to the extent that’s even possible. When I started funkybrownchick.com (originally at funkybrownchick.blogspot.com), I didn’t tell anyone that I knew about it. At the time, I thought that blogging anonymously would allow me to blog more honestly. However, over the years, I’ve opened up a bit. I’ve told friends, a few family members, coworkers, and others about my blog. Recently, a woman from the church that I attended in Illinois when I was young told my sister about my blog. Why? I’m not quite sure. In any case, I’ve never been comfortable talking about my personal sex life with my family. So, yeah, it’s odd to know that she now knows about this blog. And, it was odder still to talk about why I tell strangers the details about my sex and dating life on a blog:

SIS: I don’t get it.

ME: It’s kind of like, you know, if I were to pose for Playboy. It’s okay if strangers see it, but it’s odd for people that I knew from church to see it. And, really, they would only know that I posed for Playboy if they were reading the magazine anyway. And, in that case, they should ask themselves why they’re reading Playboy instead of judging me for posing in the magazine. And, if they *didn’t* read Playboy but, after finding out that I posed naked in the November issue, they ran out to buy that magazine — that would kind of be like snooping. Wouldn’t it?

SIS: [silence]

ME: I’m not gonna pose for Playboy.

SIS: Oh, okay. Good.

Sheesh! Hope that’s the end of that conversation. In the meantime, over at Nerve, you can read more about my reactions to the fact that the folks from my hometown have discovered my blog at: How to Cheat, Get Caught, and Not Give a Damn.

Technorati Tags: anonymous bloggers, anonymous blogging, anonymous blogs, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Illinois

When I left Chicago two years ago, I wasn’t unhappy. I had a good job. No, actually, I had a GREAT job. I had an active dating life. I had wonderful friends. And, I had a beautiful 2-bedroom apartment to myself — complete with a 15-foot garden path that led up to the building. So, the obvious question is: why did I leave? Well, truth be told, I wanted more. I kind of felt like I’d hit a plateau because there wasn’t room to advance any further. In addition to the career plateau, I didn’t feel like I was growing as a person anymore. Every day started to feel exactly like the previous one. Each month no different from the one before. I don’t mean to imply that I didn’t like my life in Chicago. That’s certainly not true. I loved my life there. I’d just stopped growing. I knew it. My friends knew it. My supervisor knew it. “If things don’t work out in New York,” I remember the big guy told me, “we’d always welcome you back here with open arms.”

So, off I went to New York.

Truth be told, I thought that I’d pick up in New York exactly where I left off in Chicago. I knew there would be minor changes. For example, I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’d have a smaller apartment. But, I thought I’d have a 1-bedroom instead of a 2-bedroom. Oh, oh, oh. Little did I know that I’d crash with three different friends in two boroughs, live with a psychotic roommate and then get priced out of my new apartment (that had a mouse, mind you) before settling into my current building. And, all of that occurred within my first 16 months here.

If the living situation was shaky, life on the job front was unbelievably tumultuous. I’m not going to go into detail, because I never blog about work. For now, suffice it to say out with the old and in with the new. I’ve been with the new company since last summer, and I like it. It’s a day job that supports me while I finish my part-time MA program and pursue my creative projects.

Speaking of my creative projects, oddly enough, that’s the one area of my life that has worked out fairly well here in New York. It’s nothing that I could have ever predicted, but it’s definitely a very welcome surprise. I’m publishing more articles in print. Online, I’m ever-thankful for the gig with Nerve; it gives me the freedom to write about my life in a more sexual way than I’m used to. And, on air, my internet radio show & podcast (Dating Roadkill) returns for another season soon. Everything has worked out so well, that I’ve actually had to scale back a bit. For a while there, I routinely pulled 14-hour days. I would work a full-time schedule at the day job, run to my nighttime MA classes and then jet back to do the late-night radio show Once the show was over, I would stay up even later to write my blog posts and send out freelance gigs. When I had time, I’d fit my homework in between everything else that I was doing. It was too much. And, I needed to free up my schedule for new proposals that were coming my way.

At the moment, I only have the day job, the freelance writing gigs, and a few new things brewing that I can’t discuss yet. On other fronts, I still have a short while before Dating Roadkill starts up again. And, I’m not taking the MA classes this summer because I need the time off. Speaking of time off, it’s worth mentioning that I leave for a short trip tomorrow. As I mentioned a week ago, I’m going to Barbados with my friend Raj for 4 days. I’ve attended a wedding in the Hamptons last summer, flown around the US & the UK for for work a year ago, and I’ve gone to Illinois and Vegas to see family. But, the Barbados trip will be the first real vacation — i.e. no agenda-related travel — I’ve taken since the summer *before* I moved to New York. So, yes, if you’re counting, that’s three years without a vacation. I wanted to get away sooner but, at times, I didn’t have the money. At other times, I was busy trying to cope in New York. With the constant changes in my work and living situation, I couldn’t imagine going on vacation because my worries and problems would have just followed me right along on my journey. But, those days are behind me. New challenges, rewards (I hope) and other adventures are ahead.

Less than 24 hours to Barbados. I’ve never needed a vacation so badly in my fucking life.

Technorati Tags: Illinois