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New York Stories

Archive: Eye of Hurricane Ivan (NASA, 09/11/04)

Mayor Bloomberg shut off our subway system, the MTA, from noon on Saturday. There’s talk of preemptively killing electricity in parts of the city. Across the water, New Jersey’s Governor Christie warned people … and this is a direct quote … “Get the hell off the beach.” Oh, yes he did, adding, “You’re done. Do not waste any more time working on your tan.”

Hopefully all the hype about the storm is just hype, but no one can be sure. The New York Times has a good realtime Hurricane Irene tracker. Given the storm is losing steam at the moment, I’m more worried about boredom than safety. I crave people more than power. If the Empire State incurs minimal damage but the city loses electricity, I’ll need a hurricane party. Flashlights, candles, booze, board games, interesting people, etc. To keep up with me during Irene, Twitter is the best place for to-the-moment updates. Follow me: http://twitter.com/funkybrownchick

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{ Be first to get down with the Funky Brown }

Earthquake!

Did you feel that, baby? ;) Yes, the earth moved. No, it wasn’t my orgasm. To learn more about today’s earthquake in my beloved New York City, see Gawker’s commentary, “Hey, Californians: Shut up and let us wallow in our abject terror.”

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{ 3 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

As you may have heard, weather service issued tornado warnings for New York. When the news broke, I was like: “Um, whatever. These NY city slickers are just afraid of wind. I can handle this. I’m from Illinois. Bring out the kites, bitches!”

70 kites on a single line!

Then, at last night’s SnapGoods Block Party, friends showed me pictures of trees and debris smashed through cars; a guy said he was afraid to return home because his neighbor alerted winds flattened a house on their street; and, later, I watched Nick McGlynn’s “This Is Literally a Tornado. Jesus Christ” video. Scary shit. Thus far, everyone I know is okay. Most of the damage was in Queens and Brooklyn; Manhattan was pretty much unscathed. I native Illinoisan, I explained: “It’s the skyscrapers. They block winds, and gusts can’t get enough speed to do damage here.” It’s kind of like how tornadoes rip through rural Illinois, not downtown Chicago. I figured this was a logical explanation, but I checked in with the The Tornado Project to be sure. They concur. “The probability of a violent tornado in the downtown area of any large city is about once in a thousand years.”

If you’re interested in learning more about tornadoes, here’s How Tornadoes Work as well as a video of one of the Midwest’s worst (an 8-mile high funnel in Wichita/Andover, Kansas). Here’s a more “newsy” explanation.

Direct video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GWtfb5l8iA. Or, if you’ve ever wondered, Can someone explain tornadoes to me plain and simple, like I’m a kid? PBS Kids has you covered.

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Kites image by Rona Proudfoot

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{ 4 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

I try to live each year in Manhattan as if it’s my last one here. Because, one day, it will be. On my Facebook, I shared The Onion article 8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live, and I’ve also seen it spreading online faster than herpes. It’s a satirical piece, but I think it struck a chord with many of the other 117,000+ people who shared the link on Facebook. From the piece: “I always had this perverted sense of pride because I was managing to scrape by here,” said Brooklyn resident Andrew McQuade, who, after watching two subway rats gnawing on a third bloody rat carcass, finally determined that New York City was a giant sprawling cancer. “Well, fuck that. I don’t need to pay $2,000 a month to share a doghouse-sized apartment with some random Craigslist dipshit to prove my worth. I want to live like a goddamn human being.”

I adore this city. I do. Seriously, there are millions of reasons to love New York. At the same time, I miss some of the “quality of life” things this city doesn’t offer very well: quick access to nature, healthy outdoor air quality, large living spaces, opportunities to see the people I care about on a more regular basis, the ability to save tremendous amounts of cash instead of flushing it down the drain for rent, etc., etc. Funny enough, people say my ambivalence about living here — instead of a newbie’s affection for it — makes me a real New Yorker. It’s kind of like how all those French people who complain about Paris are still Parisians.

Hot Chick

For now, I’m soaking up the best of NYC. I spent my sixth New York Labor Day Weekend sitting in the city’s best parks, dropping by world-class cultural attractions, brunching with friends and enjoying much needed time off. I went with David to the Metropolitan Opera to watch a 2010 Summer HD Festival free screening of La Boeheme. (If you’re in the city and free tonight, they’re showing Carmen.) Friday, I went to Brooklyn with Rach, Shoshi and Stacie for Desiree’s homemade cheese biscuits, heirloom salad and mussels. Pear martinis flowed freely and, during some point that evening, I did a dramatic rendition of Beyoncé’s performance in Obsessed. Saturday and Sunday was for brunching with Karlyn, John, Matt and Julia as well as hanging in Central Park. Will I still live here when I’m a 40, 60 or even 70-year-old woman (rocking legs like Tina Turner, I hope). Who knows. Anyway. Just a random rant I wanted to get off my chest. Hope you all enjoyed pleasant Labor Day weekends. More soon.

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Image credit: Erin Pettigrew

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{ 15 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Yesterday, I went to Gap for my personal stylist appointment. Au naturel, baby. No makeup. Hair not curled. Totally tomboy’ed out. That’s how I prefer to shop; I don’t see the point of getting dolled up in stuff you’re gonna rip off. So, watch the video below to come inside the dressing room and look at my body. Oh, the things we say to ourselves when we’re in front of a three-way mirror.

Head’s up, it’s a LOOOOONG video. Chopped it up as quickly as I could, but I didn’t have time to snip even more and still have it look coherent. I wanted to do two extra shots — one for scents and another for underwear because I like experimenting with both but I ran out of time. Enjoy the show!

By the way, I was on my period and totally bloated, but I still lifted my shirt to show you how the jeans fit because I’m learning to love my body regardless of the time of month. Also, sliding further past the waist …. men LOVE my curves more than I do, but that’s changing — yesterday’s side / bandonkadonk shot as well as today’s video highlight my hips & badonkadonk because we’re becoming much better friends.

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Disclosure: Complimentary clothes and tips from expert stylists came courtesy of Gap.

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{ 11 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

When I was new to New York, Times Square used to be one of my favorite spots. Granted, I didn’t “hang out” there but — on television and in the movies — I’d seen Broadway and the skyscraper-lined blocks as well as the enormous billboards and illuminated neon lights. So, it was exciting to walk through it and think, “Whoa, this is New York and I actually live here now.” I still have those “whoa moments” but — now that I’m 5+ years in — they’re balanced against frustration with the high cost of living, irritation about the dating scene here and a newly acquired disdain for tourists. But, that’s neither here nor there. Back to Times Square.

Do you watch Mad Men? Last night, AMC screened the world premiere of one of television’s most talked about shows on Times Square’s giant screens for thousands of New Yorkers and tourists. (You know, right by where the ball drops on New Year’s Eve.) Here’s a picture from New York Daily News article Locals play dress-up at season 4 premiere of ‘Mad Men’ on giant screen in Times Square.

Given all the hoopla, it seems appropriate to make today’s Manly Monday question: Who’s your favorite Mad Men character? (If you’re new to the Funky Brown, Manly Mondays are weekly celebrations of everything male.) Don Draper is an obvious choice, but I’m wondering if a few of you have a more quirky pick for your favorite. Pete Campbell? That invisible brown guy* you’re sure must be there somewhere but we just haven’t seen him yet? ;)  Bertram Cooper? Feel free to use the comments section to tell us: Who’s your favorite Mad Men character?

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Article suggestion: Slate: Why “Mad Men” Is Afraid of Race

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{ 13 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Clay bar clay lube

I’ve spent the past three weeks gearing up for a tiny (non memoir-related) announcement which I’ll post next Monday, July 19th. If you want to keep up with me between now and then, I’m always on Twitter. Now, for those of you near and in New York, I warmly invite you to tomorrow’s In the Flesh Erotic Reading Series at Happy Ending — a bar that used to be a dark, seedy “massage parlour” back when Chinatown smelled like rotting fish and that particular block of Broome Street wore Chinese footsteps instead of the immigrants that preceded them. New shoes on pavement are attached to hipsters now. Yet, even still, the awning says “Xie He.” [See early 1900s photos of NYC's Chinatown.]

Although I’m on tomorrow’s In the Flesh roster, I haven’t yet decided which piece to read. Generally, I’m more comfortable with humorous stuff. It makes me feel less vulnerable, not so exposed. Being on stage with a room filled with eyes pointed toward me is uncomfortable enough without heaping the added stress of lipping serious private details about my personal life to strangers. When I read at In the Flesh ages ago, I split it 50/50 by reading two pieces — one serious, one funny. The first was about a warm, semi-illicit one night stand with a writer dude I later regretted sleeping with because, at the time, he was almost in line to be my boss. The other story was about a dude who told me wanted to piss in my mouth. I was much more comfortable reading the latter piece and slightly visibly uncomfortable reading the first as evidenced in the video. But, let’s get back to the future. Tomorrow. Here are details from the erotic reading series’ website:

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES

MEDIA SEX NIGHT
July 15, 2010, 7:30 pm – 10 pm

AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Between Forsyth & Eldridge. Look for the hot pink awning that says “XIE HE Health Club.”
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://www.inthefleshreadingseries.com

Media superstars invade In The Flesh. Featuring Kevin Allison (The State, RISK show), Penny Arcade (Bitch! Dyke! Faghag! Whore!),Twanna A. Hines (FunkyBrownChick.com), Jillian Lauren (New York Times bestselling author of Some Girls: My Life in a Harem),Paulie & Pauline (Off The Set), Jerry Portwood (New York Press),Rachel Shukert (Everything Is Going to Be Great) and reading plus performance from Jo Weldon (The Burlesque Handbook). Hosted byRachel Kramer Bussel (Fast Girls, Please, Sir, Please, Ma’am). Sponsored by New York Press. Books will be available for sale by Mobile LibrisCleis Press erotica books as well as a vibrator and Kegelcisor from EdenFantasys will be given away. 100 free copies of Sexis Magazine will be distributed. Free Baked by Melissa cupcakes, candy and chips will be served. This is the countdown to the final In The Flesh December 16th so don’t miss a very special night!

Tiny world. Rachel Kramer Bussel and I are besties, and I know Jerry Portwood because I’ve written for New York Press. Jillian Lauren and I spoke when I interviewed her for my article which recently published at Manhattan-based SMITH magazine: Interview: Jillian Lauren, author of Some Girls: My Life in a Harem. I don’t think I’ve yet met Kevin Allison, Penny Arcade, Jo Weldon or Paulie & Pauline, but I will tomorrow. And, I’ve bumped into Rachel Shukert at random parties. I really feel lucky to be surrounded (and inspired) by friends, acquaintances and others’ active engagement in NYC publishing. If you live in this city of 8 million too, I hope to see you tomorrow. Drop by to hear a few stories at In the Flesh. Now, if only I could decide which piece to read …

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{ 2 folks got down with the Funky Brown }

Next month marks five years of New York living. Damn, that went by fast! Rewind a bit for those new to Funky Brown Chick. In 2005, I was a happy Chicago resident. In my late 20s, I had a healthy retirement plan, fat savings account, stable job, great friends and a beautiful 2-bedroom apartment in trendy Wicker Park. To be honest, I kind of took that whole “financial stability” stuff for granted because I’d had it for a while at that point. I was comfortable. Nevertheless, in April 2005, I moved to Manhattan. (Psst! I explain why in Every Child Is An Artist and on the About Me page.)

I can’t say the transition to New York living was super easy or that the past 59 – 60 months have always been great. One of my lowest points in Manhattan occurred Winter / Spring 2006, shortly after I arrived. With family 700 miles away in Illinois, I felt lonely. New to the city, I had quite a few acquaintances but only a tiny smattering of true “friends.” Also, having recently parted with the new job, I was started living off credit cards. I maxed out and my savings shriveled to zero. With hardly any funds coming in, I was terrified I’d be forced to return to the Midwest out of destitution. I didn’t leave because, in part, I had faith things would work out–though I wasn’t even sure how.

Fast forward approximately two years from 2006 to a random late night in May 2008. Riding home in a yellow taxi cab, I’d just spent an evening out with good friends. The cabbie’s radio was tuned to NPR, and I heard my voice. It was a repeat broadcast from earlier in the morning — when a woman I highly respect, Farai Chideya, interviewed me about African American women & relationships. I also made other appearances and, tomorrow, I’m slated to briefly appear on CNN. I’ll forward details as soon as I get them in case you’d like to tune in.

This isn’t some Pollyanna-Everything-Is-Perfect-Now story … Life isn’t always easy now, and I’m not guaranteed it will be in the future. In the meantime, I’m really grateful for the opportunities I’ve had in New York. I don’t believe my career would’ve turned out the same way had I never come here and/or if I abandoned it after arrival. Life’s choices are rarely clear cut. In 2006, had I fled to Illinois — even for, like, 6-12 months to save up money — I might’ve been better positioned to make a fresh, more stable start in Manhattan. Then again, maybe I would’ve stayed in comfy Chicago & never come back to NYC at all. It’s hard to know what the right decision is at any given moment — if there is such a thing as the “right” decision. For me, for right now, I’m glad I’m sticking around.

Walking Across the Brooklyn Bridge

Last week, I took this shot as I walked over the Brooklyn Bridge. Tourist spots. New restaurants. Dive bars. Museums. Festivals. The Opera. Daily, I try to live as if I won’t be in the Empire State the following year. That way, when/if I ever leave, I won’t feel like I missed out anything. I could list a bunch of unexpected difficulties, hidden jewels discovered, lessons learned, most surprising accomplishments, and biggest failures from the past five years. However, instead of telling you what I think you should know about experiences thus far, I thought it’d be more interesting to let you ask whatever you’d like to know. So, today, I created a Formspring.me account. Visit it to post ANY personal questions about: starting Funky Brown Chick, living in New York, finding relationships in Manhattan, freelance writing, whatever. The site allows you to post your questions anonymously if you’d like. Go ahead. Ask me anything.

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{ 6 folks got down with the Funky Brown }