I’ve noticed a lot of articles and ramblings about the new chastity and the push toward abstinence. But, I have to admit I don’t really get it. Why is a former sex blogger rethinking virginity? That’s the headline of a recently-published Slate article, “Sex positive” young women reconsider abstinence. The piece is about Sex and the Ivy‘s Lena Chen, who says her early Sex and the Ivy posts “reflected a painful desire to be liked” and she suffered because of it. She also says panic attacks forced her to walk away from Harvard for a bit after her boyfriend posted her nude pics. And, now, she’s writing about chastity and abstinence. I love Sex and the Ivy as well as Chen’s other works. That said, I’m still a fan of writing about sex online. Here are a few thoughts about doing it.
Assume Everyone You Know Will Read Your Stuff Forever and Ever
I started blogging pseudo-anonymously as “funkybrownchick” in 2005. I thought it gave me the freedom to speak openly about my life without worrying what friends and family would think. In late 2006 / early 2007, I finally linked my name, face and words. Perhaps, it was semi-possible to be anonymous online half a decade ago. That’s no longer the case. You’ll eventually be outed or out yourself. Hell, even when I didn’t use my full name, friends, the editors who wrote checks for my writing and others still knew “Twanna Hines” was “funkybrownchick.” Now, every time I proudly hit the “publish” button, I assume employers, high school friends, past boyfriends, future lovers, church members, family members and everyone else in the world could read what I wrote. Granted that doesn’t mean they SHOULD read it; it just means they could. Hence, World Wide Web. My new philosophy: If you don’t want anyone to know something about you, don’t put it on the internet.
Set boundaries
Just because you write about your sex life doesn’t mean you have to tell everyone everything. Decide who and what is off limits. Family? Children? Friends? Lovers?
Remember Sex Is Considered an Adult Topic for a Reason
A nonfiction writer, I’m most proud of work that honestly depicts who I am. Maybe I’m a late bloomer; however, at 19, I hadn’t yet fully developed a sense of “self” — let alone the ability to confidently communicate that “self” to others. Yes, I’ve posted things in the past that I wouldn’t post now. But, it is/was an accurate representation of who I was/am at the time. I’m not trying to please anyone, and I couldn’t particularly care if people like me. I wasn’t secure enough to take that stance at 19, 20 or even 22. So, although I’ve been continuously online since 1995, I wasn’t ready to write about my sex and dating life until I started FUNKY BROWN CHICK®.
Fear No Sex
Screw the growing-in-popularity belief that abstinence is cool again. I’ve learned to write, speak, talk about and have sex like I give a damn. Abstinence? I grew up with that rammed down my throat. Rejected it then, and I reject it now. Teaching abstinence is often synonymous with teaching ignorance about sexual health. If we aren’t talking about sex, we’re not talking about how to protect ourselves from STDs/STIs. If we’re not having sex, we’re not learning what activities bring us and our partners pleasure. I have yet to be convinced that running away from sexuality is the answer.
Don’t Tolerate Abuse in Your Space
Chen — a sexually active woman of color writing about her exploits — is an easy target for trolls. In the Slate article, she says, “I always thought that people here [at Harvard] are more progressive, but I think sexuality is an exception.” Yep. Sex, race and religion are just a few of hot topics for which all forms of decency often fly out the window when you’re dealing with abusive people — whether ignorant or highly intelligent.
When an individual writes shitty stuff online about someone they don’t even know and they want that person to read it, see that crap for what it is: verbal abuse. And, remember, abuse isn’t about the person on the receiving end of the insults — it’s about the insecure freakshow slinging them. I have zero tolerance for it. So, as many of you know, the only FUNKY BROWN CHICK® comment policy has been “Be Kind” (i.e. don’t be a dick). I tell fellow writers, if someone can’t do that, tell them to go elsewhere. And, when/if people start writing fucked up stuff about you elsewhere, congratulate yourself because it means you’ve won. If they care enough to dedicate time in THEIR lives to discussing YOURS, clearly you’re doing something right. To quote Gandhi, “First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.” Or, to quote, Cinnamon Cooper, “[W]hen you’re called a bitch, instead of letting the argument get derailed, recognize that you’ve outsmarted them. Reply with ‘I win! You aren’t smart enough to continue the conversation, so thanks for ending it.’”
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UPDATE: Nice! Also read Lena Chen’s reaction to the Slate piece. Debunking Double X: Slate’s Mischaracterization of the Rethinking Virginity Conference.
