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One of my French Canadian exboytoys recently started reading my blog. “I don’t think most guys like to consider themselves ‘boytoys’. It’s derogative,” he complained yesterday. “It means that all you think of the said toy is that he’s all body to play with, but not much of anything else [...] I’d much rather be your friend than an old boytoy [...] Guys have a sensitive side too… And we like to think that we have personalities too.” Point taken. In my own defense, that’s not what I meant by “exboytoy.” All body to play with, but not much of anything else is a “fuck buddy.” Hmm, I guess I divide the men who’ve stuck their penises inside me into three main categories.

• EXBOYFRIEND: At one point in history, dude called me his girlfriend and I called dude my boyfriend. Now, we’re no longer dating. So, whenever I introduce dude to my friends, I’ll say, “This is ___.” When dude isn’t looking, I’ll silently and exaggeratedly point to dude behind his back and mouth the word “exboyfriend” to my friends. They’ll nod understandingly because, chances are, they’ve already heard the stories about dude. On the blog, I’ll call dude “exboyfriend.”

• EXBOYTOY: We dated, but dude never called me his girlfriend and I never called dude my boyfriend. If I tell my current date, friends or whoever “This is __” without explaining dude and I used to date, they’d ask, “Why didn’t you mention you and dude used to date???” Hence, the phrase exboytoy.

• FRIEND: Maybe we slept together. Maybe we didn’t. Maybe we still occasionally sleep together because we still have strong sexual attraction / chemistry. In any case, it’s absurdly clear that neither one of EVER wanted to be the other’s girlfriend or boyfriend. No messy history; we’re just friends.

How about you, dear readers? What words do you use to introduce someone you used to date? What’s your ex-etiquette?

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Photo credit: Yellow exboyfriend sign appears online and is available for purchase at ScottysaysRadio.com.

Technorati Tags: exboyfriends, exboytoys, exes, guy friends, male friends, sex, sleeping with friends

I’m back from the Vineyard and ready to talk about “dating in New York” again. I feel defeatist and pessimitic admitting it but, if I’m being honest, I think New York is the worst city for single, straight women. I’m blogging about this today because the topic came up a couple times over the weekend.

If you’re female, flying solo, heterosexual, and looking to get laid on a regular basis, don’t live here. “Before I moved to New York, I was always someone’s girlfriend,” I recently told Nichelle. “I mean, you know, I’m not saying that’s necessarily healthy either. I think it’s good to be comfortable being single. I’m just saying I had an easier time dating when I lived in other areas. London, Florida, California, Chicago, Amsterdam … A bunch of different places. I’m not saying that to sound like a big shot; I’m saying it because I have a pretty broad comparison base when I tell you, ‘When it comes to dating, I can’t think of a place sucks more for women than this place.’”

Don’t misunderstand me. I write about dating, eat and breathe relationships, pontificate about it, etc. etc. I’m obsessed with this stuff. (Everyone should have a passion; mine just happens to be understanding how people relate to each other.) So, I’m definitely not in that “what’s wrong with my dating life?!?!” space. I know what’s up: (1) I’m unneccessarily picky, (2) I used to spend too much time going after “hot” guys instead of the “good” one and, perhaps most importantly, (3) I’m living in the wrong city. Post college/university and pre NYC, I was never unattached (i.e. without a boyfriend, boytoy, significant other, fuckbuddy or whatever) for more than approx. half a dozen weeks at a time. Wanna know how many dates I’ve been on since moving to New York nearly four years ago? Seriously, if I had to make a conservative guess, probably somewhere between 80 - 100. I know how to meet people in NYC; it’s easy. Hey, if casual dating’s what you’re looking for, New York is your city. But, here’s a different question: How many “boyfriends” or serious relationships have I had in this city?

Zero.

“Here’s what it comes down to,” I tried to explain over the weekend, “I don’t need a boyfriend. That’s not the issue. People have a natural, human need for touch. It’s not about getting laid and it’s not about hooking up with a guy … ”

“I’m single, but I don’t feel lonely because I have a lot of people around me,” a friend mentioned.

“Yeah, I know, but it’s not about that. Loneliness doesn’t have anything to do with the number of people around you. There are plenty of married people and couples in relationships who feel incredibly lonely. Being alone, feeling lonely is about not having your needs met. In one of my past relationships, I felt completely alone because my boyfriend was totally incapable of ‘being there’ for me emotionally. I think what I’m trying to say is this: I have a high need for touch. Seriously, when I’m talking to people, I instintively grab them for emphasis without even thinking about it. Touch comes natural to me. I like to be caressed, kissed, touched, stroked. Seriously. I crave it. I need it. And, I’m not getting it from men on a regular basis. THAT’S what makes me feel lonely. And, quite honestly, I don’t know how often I’ll get it as long as I live here because New York is awash with women. The city’s drowning in them. I want men.”

“If you feel that way,” a friend suggested, “maybe you should move?”

Leave New York? I can’t. For better or worse, I’m addicted to this city. The parks, museums, international people, liberal politics, non-stop cocktailspartiessocialevent action, etc. etc. I really like it here. I feel at home because it’s one of the few places I feel I actually “belong.” I don’t know where I’d live if I left this place. Hmmm … untouched and rarely fucked on the East Coast. That’s annoying.

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Random news links that may interest you:

Man drought is fact of dating life (Dating in Auckland, NZ)

Technorati Tags: committed relationships, dating, funkybrownchick, relationships, sex, single in New York

Ooooh, now I feel like a cocktease. :( I have good news and bad news. Bad news is I don’t have the post I promised you. Good news is, this time next week, I’ll be able to tell you what happened to it. I’m not playing smoke and mirrors or stringing you along. Sometimes stuff happens. Plans change for the better. So, bookmark my site, subscribe to my rss feed and/or check back at the end of next week. Of course, I’ll update Funky Brown Chick between now and then. I’m just, you know, giving you the inside scoop that something interesting is on the horizon regarding me, interracial dating and black women. Nothing earth shattering, but I’m excited about the recent development.

And, now, for something completely different … Y’all know I love my readers and the comments section is one of my favorite parts of this blog. Somehow, I totally forgot to respond to my how many people have you slept with post until a couple days later. Lots of juicy comments on that one. In particular, I found it interesting people brought up the difference between oral and vaginal sex. I don’t consider oral sex “sex”. I mean, you know, it is but it isn’t. As I mentioned before, during my teens and early 20s, I considered myself a virgin because I hadn’t had vaginal sex — even though I played oral games with more than one boy. Hmmm … My slurping virgin history PLUS my fascination with William Saletan’s Slate magazine piece “The normalization of oral sex” (as well as his response to reader feedback “Was oral sex always normal?“) PLUS your comments about whether or not you count oral in your numbers EQUALS I’m dying to ask you all this question: Do you consider oral sex “sex”? In other words, if you go oral on someone, would you say “Bubba and I had sex” or tell folks “Bubba went down on me“? (Switch the order and/or gender to make that appropriate for you if needed — i.e. “I went down on Bubbette/Bubba.”) Inquiring minds want you to share your thoughts in the comments section.

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Photo credit: Lynne Lancaster

Link Love: “How Many Partners Makes You Promiscuous?” and an interesting quote.

Technorati Tags: dating, dating blogs, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, oral sex, relationships, sex, Slate magazine, William Saletan

Yesterday, one of my lovely readers, Peggy B., forwarded me an article from MSNBC’s website, “It’s a question that often prompts a boastful answer or a bashful one: How many sex partners have you had?” The article continues, “Now the federal government says it has authoritative statistics, documenting that men are far more likely to play the field than women.” Really? Are you serious? Here are some of the study’s other “findings” in plain English:

• 29% of dudes have slept with 15 or more women


• 9% of women say they’ve slept with 15 or more men


• 4% of American adults are virgins


• 16% of the sexually active folks had sex before they turned 15 but another 15% waited ’till they were 21


• 25% of women and 17% of men say they’ve had no more than one partner of the other sex in their lifetime

What can we conclude from all these stats? Obviously, people lie about their sex lives! I don’t know if it’s because I’m a New Yorker or because I’m older than 21, but these numbers seem absurdly low. Hell, say you’re a dude only dates & sleeps with one woman at a time. Say you do that from the time you’re 15 until you’re 35. Even if you only had ONE girlfriend every TWO years, that’s still 10 sex partners. Most of the guys I know average more than one screw a year. Hell, some of them average more than one a month. Are women any different? Hmmm ….

I don’t care if someone asks me via email, on the telephone or by speaking the question directly out of their mouth or whatever: I’m not telling anyone how many people I’ve slept with because … to quote the late Heath Ledger from Brokeback Mountain … “Ain’t nobody’s business but mine.” And, if I’m ever FORCED to give an answer, I’ll just do what I always do: I lie. I say four. Four seems like a good, wholesome answer, no? Apparently I’m not alone. From the MSNBC article, “the median number of male partners for women was four.”

Here’s my opinion: Men might be slighty more likely to be sexually actively; however, women are extremely more likely to lie about the number of people they’ve slept with. How about you, dear reader? How many people have YOU slept with??? Kidding! You don’t have to answer that question. But, I would be curious to know this: Do you think men are SIGNIFICANTLY more promiscuous that women or do you think women are just more likely to lie (underreport) their sexual activity?

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SIDENOTE: Did the survey people forget about the LGBT community? Since the MSNBC article didn’t say anything about same-sex stuff, I searched for the original study on CDC’s website to see if they included lesbians & gays. I couldn’t find the report. :( Give me a break; I only had like 8 - 10 minutes to write this post because I’m jetting off to jury duty. If any of you find the full report, people link it up in the comment section. THANKS!!

Photo credit: Image is by Mario Alberto Magallanes Trejo.

Technorati Tags: committed relationships, dating, dating blogs, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, LGBTQ, Men, relationships, sex, statistics, Twanna A. Hines, women

I’m still on jury duty. I’ll blog the specifics once the case is over. In the meantime, I promised you a kissing story. 2 Boys + 2 Girls = 8 Juicy Lips. Picture this: New York City. A couple months ago. I meet my friend Irene in this tiny, dingy place near Times Square with stained glass paneling decor that serves up pub food like crunchy french fries & red ketchup on cold white plates. When I arrive, I see sexy Irene perched on a brown wooden stool. She’s flanked by two Dutchmen I’ll simply call Alex and Jorrit because they gave me permission to use their real first names.

Alex is typically Dutch — very tall with thick blonde hair and thin lips. He’s “appropriate” in his introduction, shaking my hand firmly & dotting the gesture with a warm smile and extended blink. Though he’s covering his body with denim jeans and a white polo shirt, I assume the 30-something gentleman wears a suit on weekdays and works in finance. “I am Alex,” he greets me in accented English. “Ik spreek wel Nederlands, hoor,” I respond politely telling him it’s okay to speak his mother tongue. “Wij kunnen in het Nederlands praten.” His face brightens. Everyone loves to be spoken to in their own language.

Alex’s wingman/sidekick/friend is called Jorrit (pronunced kinda like tag, you’re it.) The tagman seems an inch or two taller than his friend, more expressive with his hands and extremely flirty. But, I don’t think Jorrit is trying to pick anyone up. He just seems like the deliciously horny type who enjoys the best of life’s pleasures — fashion, women, fine wines, tasty beers, and well-prepared international cuisines. Hmmm … Trouble. I kinda have a “thing” for the Dutch. Irene and I both lived in Holland (that country where you’ll find Amsterdam). If my memory serves me well, we teased the Dutch boys like this in Midtown that day:

Irene: “Dutch boys can’t kiss for shit!”
Twanna: “Maybe, that’s true … But Dutch boys typically have really nice lips!” [ Exhibit A , B , C and OMFG!!! ]
Irene: [laughs] “Imagine that! You’ve got the tools, but you don’t know how to use them?”

Fast forward to the present. I hope you’re all sitting down for this, because what I’m about to say is really really very important. I think EVERYONE who reads Funky Brown Chick should know how to kiss. It’s a skill. It’s not that difficult to master, but once you’ve got your advanced lip and tongue muscle maneuvers down, you’ll notice a HUGE difference in your sex & dating life. Soooooooo, without further ado, I present you with detailed instructions courtesy of wikiHow’s “How to French Kiss” as well as VideoJug’s action-packed kissing video. Enjoy!

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NOTE: No kisses were exchanged during my time with Jorrit, Alex and Irene. Irene and I are friends, and Alex & Jorrit were visiting tourists that I didn’t see again. We all swapped emails, and Alex recently sent me a message casually mentioning the boys noticed I never wrote about them. Well, voila! Genieten van de “kissing video” en groeten vanuit New York!!  :)

Technorati Tags: dating, dating blogs, Dutch guys, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, how to kiss, kissing, New York City, NYC, relationships, sex, Twanna A. Hines

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