I’m in the current issue of one of the city’s top magazines: Time Out New York. They asked me and some other people how we thought New York’s dating scene compared to other cities. To see what I said, buy a copy of the magazine. It hits newsstands today. Out-of-towners can read what I said via this link here. The week’s theme is “The Sex Issue.”

One tiny little problem
“From jiggly bellies to one-inch weens, we asked everyday New Yorkers how they learned to overcome their greatest sexual insecurities.”

A routine checkup
“How do you keep sex interesting, armed only with skin and boners? Two BDSM enthusiasts—Morpheus and Kelly Walch—offer amateur advice.”

Nail file
“We ogled some figures, crunched some numbers and found out how the deed truly goes down in NYC.”

What’s the frequency?
“For some people once is too often, for others too much is not enough. Whatever your preference, you’re not alone. Readers tell us when they’re having sex and why. Or why not.”

How to Make a sex tape
“With the advent of YouPorn and other amateur skin-flick outlets, the fundamentals of sex on camera are more important than ever. Digital Playground’s contract superstar, the lovely Stoya, agreed to share some insight into this not-so-gentle art. To see how the pros do it, go to digitalplayground.com—just not at work.”

Threesomes
“You asked for it.”

I love New York. As I mentioned on Twitter earlier today, sadly, I have to leave my city for nearly a week. I’m going to DC for several days to see my friend Mags and to attend a concert. Although I’ve never lived there (only visited), I don’t like DC. It always reminds me of The Hague — very stately, orderly and (presumably) not a good match for me. I prefer New York.

Technorati Tags: Time Out New York, time out sex issue, TONY

One of the many things I love about New York is this: I’m constant surrounded by creative people who are doing really interesting things with their lives. Comedians, fellow writers, graphic novelists, painters, etc. And, for the most part, everyone really seems to support each other. Granted, everybody’s fleeing Manhattan for Brooklyn, Queens and Jersey because the rents are ridiculous expensive; but, still, for now, the city still has a really vibrant arts community. Here’s a list of stuff a couple friends (and friends of friends) are up to tonight and in the days ahead. (Shameless plugs, I know.)

Gary Vaynerchuk is probably one of the sweetest people in the tri-state area. As many of you already know, he had me as a guest on his show. I gave a dating tip or two, and he gave you his picks for the best “Date Night Wines. “(Watch the short video.) He’s gonna be on Late Night with Conan O’Brien (again!) tonight. Watch the show. If you live in New York, swing by his book signing & Conan viewing party just past midnight tonight at Bounce. Details about the party are here. Buy his book: Gary Vaynerchuk’s 101 Wines: Guaranteed to Inspire, Delight, and Bring Thunder to Your World.

Sara Benincasa and I used to snuggle up and write dirty words together. Via her, I met dykes. Four to be exact. ;) Yep, “Dykes On Mics” is a comedy group that includes New York City lesbian comedians Leah Dubie, Jackie Monahan, Amy Beckerman and Gloria Bigelow. It’s gonna be a monthly event at Stonewall (wiki history), but I think the first one kicks off tomorrow, Tuesday, May 13th. They told me it was going to be, [and I'm quoting them directly here] “estrogen-fueled hilarity without the cramps and bloating!” Here’s a bit more on the women:Jackie is a cross between Emo Philips and Sarah Silverman; Amy performs at Comix, Broadway Comedy Club, The Comedy Cellar and other NYC hot spots; Leah’s jokes have been in Time Out NY; and Gloria performed in the 2007 New York Underground Comedy Festival. If you want more info, Leah’s kind of like the go-to person for that. Here’s her site.

Jon Friedman is cute. All that and brains, too? ;) I first met him a couple years ago when we did it together in front of a big group of people. (And, by “it” I mean took the stage at the WYSIWYG talent show.) Jon’s a comedian, writer, producer and a bunch of other stuff. Check out his bio. The Rejection Show is moving to Comix. First show is this Wednesday.

Mark. Patricia. Tristan. Sex, sex and more sex. ;) They’ve all written stuff you can buy on Amazon. And, their joint party to celebrate their latest books is called “Party with the Sexerati. Takes place tomorrow night. Details here.

Technorati Tags: Amy Beckerman, Dykes on Mics, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Gary Vaynerchuk, Gloria Bigelow, Jackie Monahan, Jon Friedman, Leah Dubie, Mark Michaels, Patricia Johnson, The Rejection Show, Time Out New York, Tristan Taormino, WYSIWYG Talent Show

Pick up a copy of Time Out New York. There’s a bunch of naked people everywhere because it’s their “Horny Issue.” I’m in the issue. Fret not; I’m not nude. I’m not necessarily saying I WOULDN’T have taken my clothes off for them. I’m just saying, you know, they didn’t ask me to do that. ;) But, they did ask me to turn them on in ten words or less *OR* with a haiku. I went the haiku route. I hadn’t written I one since I was forced write a 5-7-5 bit for a elementary school lesson back when I first learned what they were. Behold!!! Tell THAT to anyone who says poor, rural Mississippi elementary schools don’t teach important life skills. Learn how to write a haiku at age 9. Use that lesson to turn New Yorkers on when you’re a 30-something cougar with firm brown abs.

Anyway, so, for my first crack at it, I thought of saying something like this:

I’m thinking of you
Dark nipples standing erect
Wishing you’d come home

Pathetic, right? I told a few guys about it. Match politely told me that it just didn’t do anything for him. And BrianVan told me that it was [I'm quoting him here]: “mildly unsexy.” Nobody likes to be told that they aren’t sexy. And, that’s exactly how I took it; I thought it was ME not MY HAIKU that wasn’t sexy. Anyway, so, I tucked my insecurities away, manned up (ovaried up?) and took a crack at it again. I thanked the boys for their honesty because, truth be told, I’d given the haiku a halfass effort. “Stop acting like a jackass,” I told myself, “If you really wanna try to turn someone on, go with it full force. Don’t hold back.” So, I did. I wrote something up. Sent it to Time Out New York. And, the rest is history. Well, technically, it’s not history because it’s in the current issue. But whatever. Let’s just say “the rest is in print.” Read my haiku now. (Second one down.)

Many, many, many, many other lovely folks are in the issue as well. Speaking of folks who write sexy stuff … check out this picture of Jamye Waxman, Boinkology’s Lux Alptraum and me. Shout out to my friend Rachel for her cute little photography skills.

So, now it’s your turn to speak up. Don’t worry. I don’t expect any of you to write erotic haikus in the comment section. (But, by all means, please do if you have one burning inside of you!!!) Question of the day: What turns you on? What could a man (or woman) say to you to get you all hot and bothered?

Technorati Tags: erotic haikus, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, haiku, horny, Jamye Waxman, Lux Alptraum, naked, nudity, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Time Out New York

Sometimes it’s hard to remember that New York isn’t the center of the universe. Such was the case on Sunday when I cracked open a fresh copy of the New York Times (…online, by double clicking the orange and blue Firefox icon). Julia Allison. “Maybe, just maybe,” Leslie Kaufman’s article starts, “if Carrie Bradshaw, the dynamo at the center of the phenomenally successful television series ‘Sex and the City,’ were still in her 20s and just starting her ascent into New York life in 2008, maybe, just maybe, she would be like Julia Allison.”

“Are you shitting me?” I asked my laptop’s computer screen. “Julia Allison™ is in the Times?”

Full disclosure: although I hail from the same Midwestern locale that she does, I don’t know Julia Allison. I’ve recently spotted her across the room at various parties, but we’ve not yet met. Nevertheless, almost everyone I know has a J-Al Story. “She saved me a seat at XXX event” or “she came to our XXX party” or “yeah, I went to her birthday party” or “oh God, she went to New Trier and that explains everything.” It kinda feels like I’m in high school again and everyone wants to tell me their tale about the popular girl. But, this isn’t high school. It’s real life, adult life. So, the rules change a bit. Our “it” girl isn’t a cheerleader; she’s a columnist for one of the community’s weekly listings magazine, Time Out New York. And, sure, the daily newspaper just did a story about her. But, the “local paper” has more than 1 million readers. It’s the Gray Lady. The New York Times. The largest metropolitan newspaper in the United States.

“If Carrie Bradshaw were coming to New York today,” the Times quotes Julia, “she would be me.”

Self-aggrandizing? Maybe. But, here’s the thing … Is she 100% right? Probably. In fact, nearly everyone who writes words about dating gets compared to Carrie Bradshaw. My personal favorite? Folks who’ve called me Carrie Brownshaw or Carrie Blackshaw. Ooh, ooh, ooh … and let us not forget this lovely comment:

Can’t you be a bit more original … your not CARRIE BRADSHAW!!!…me thinks you’ve been watching way too much Sex and the City, your blog entry is bordering on plagiarism. Been reading your blog here and at Nerve and have noticed over the past couple of weeks and finding your tales very unbelievable. FBC used to be a good read, but I fear she is slowly disappearing up her own a-hole to please her growing audience and popularity.

I climbed out of my own asshole long enough to respond:

Regarding your Carrie Bradshaw comment … Many people live in New York City. Many people date here. And, they all have stories. That doesn’t mean that every New York dating story = Sex in the City. I think Rachel Kramer Bussel said it best. “I’ll be thrilled,” she writes on one of her blogs, “if no one ever makes a totally lazy, ridiculous Carrie Bradshaw comparison ever again.” If I’ve learned anything about New York in the two years that I’ve lived here, [I've learned] that New Yorkers value originality. Please respect mine. And, if you are going to criticize my writing, please be original in your criticism.

That is what it is. Whatever. The Carrie stuff doesn’t bother me; I actually think it’s kind of entertaining of humorous. But, back to Julia Allison. Yesterday, I commented that the Times piece was a “great article about New York life.” Indeed it is. Hmm, a girl from Illinois moves to the Big City with dreams of doing something more with her life than marching in step with the rest of the crowd? Yeah, I can certainly relate. How does that song go? “If you can make it here …”

Near the close of the article, the Times writer says, Julia is committed to “reaching for the gold ring, no matter how many time she is slapped back.” I say: as long as she isn’t hurting (or disrespecting) others or herself, let the girl reach I guess. Everybody’s got dreams, and Julia definitely seems to be going for hers. Kudos to her for making it into the New York Times.

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* By the way …. I’m only following up on this story because I said, “more later” yesterday. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. Manly Mondays (or Testicle Tuesdays) coming up soon.

Technorati Tags: Carrie Blackshaw, Carrie Bradshaw, Carrie Brownshaw, Illinois, Julia Allison, Leslie Kaufman, New Trier Township High School, New York Times, Sex and the City, Time Out New York

So you like quickies, right? I’m walking out of my apartment, and I don’t have time to write a full post. Just wanted to respond to folks who emailed me asking about Time Out New York. Yes, I noticed the newest issue is the “Singles Issue.” Yes, I looked at Julia Allison’s cleavage splashed across the cover. And, yes, I’m going to write a commentary on the mag like I did the last time they did a singles issue. In the meantime, for those of you who haven’t already, be sure to pick up a copy of Time Out at your nearest newsstand or read it online. Great articles. Tons of good stuff about sex, dating, relationships, and the rest of the earth’s best goodies.

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Photo credit: Magazine cover image appears at TimeOut.com/newyork

Technorati Tags: Julia Allison, single life, singles, Time Out New York

“Any pointers for single women in NYC?” Time Out New York asks a 26 year-old UES-dweller interviewed for their article on the lives of single women. Her answer? “God help you.” Attack of the Single Women. That’s the cover story of the newest issue of Time Out New York. It hits newsstands, mailboxes and bookshelves today. Or, or course, you could just read the article online. “Why,” you might ask, “are single women in NYC getting so much attention?” Well, that’s because we’re fucking hot. That’s why. Kidding aside, here’s the real reason … A couple of months ago, National Geographic culled together U.S. Census data to publish statistics — together with an extremely impressive singles map — that details the single female-to-male ratio in various American cities. The results show that 185,000 more women than men live in New York. As a result, single chicas on the prowl for dates have to battle even more competition. Yep, we’re screwed. Thanks. Actually, anyone who lives in NYC already knew that. But, I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a bit of scientific data to back us up.

Leaping from the pages of one magazine to another, the National Geographic piece inspired Time Out New York to conduct an in-depth explanation of NYC’s bumper crop of women. It’s a great article. At the same time, I kind of get the impression that TONY was surprised to discover that most of the women that they interviewed were [and I quote], “remarkably okay with being single.” Interesting choice of words. It’s hard to imagine reading the same sentence about married men and women: “The people we talked to were remarkably okay with being married.”After all, don’t we all know as many unhappy married people as we do unhappy single people?

Hmm … All this talk about relationship status has me wondering what your status is. Feast or famine: what’s the story of your love life right now? Are you currently feasting on several different partners? Are you starving for dates? Are you comfortably settled in a longterm relationship? Have you been gnawing on the same meal for quite a while now? Does every day feel like desserts? Feel free to use the comment section to tell me if you’re single, married, dating or other.

Technorati Tags: dating, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, relationships, sex, single life, single men, single women, singles, Time Out New York