For the record. I’m not a Celine fan. At all. But, even I can admit she totally owns this song. Kills it! Beautiful. Merry Christmas to my readers who believe and to those who just enjoy the holiday. Hope you’re happy, safe and looking forward to an exciting year. I’ll keep updating the blog as usual in the week ahead; however, for today, I’ll just leave you with this song.

Technorati Tags: Celine Dion, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, Merry Christmas, Oh Holy Night, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

The festival of lights starts at sundown. To all good-looking Jewish boys everywhere, this funky brown chick salutes you and your hot, circumcised dicks.  ;)  Chag Sameach!

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Wanna support my blog without paying me a dime? Next time you shop on Amazon.com, please use this link. It won’t cost you anything extra. For every dollar you spend, Amazon will kick a few referral pennies my way. Wanna suggestion? Try: Boy Vey!: The Shiksa’s Guide to Dating Jewish Men.

Technorati Tags: Adam Sandler, Hanukkah Song, Happy Chanukah, Hines, jewish holidays, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

In high school, I subscribed to House Beautiful via American Family Publishers because I hoped Ed McMahon would arrive at my front door with a life sized $1,000,000,000 check written out to Twanna A. Hines. It never happened BUT … I have proof people actually do win contests. I won a three-night and four-day complimentary all-inclusive spa vacation package to Red Mountain Spa from SingleEdition.com. It includes a 50-minute Swedish Massage, deluxe accommodation, roundtrip shuttle service from Las Vegas, three daily gourmet meals / healthy living classes and daily guided hiking. I’m gonna see Zion National Park and Bryce Canyon. That’s at least 20 different shades of awesome! See, folks? It pays to be single. ;)

I sooo can’t wait to schedule and take this trip sometime next year; I need it. Needless to say, I’ll take you along by posting real-time videos, blog posts and snapshots. I’m thinking of turning it into a writing retreat: just me & my laptop, cranking out pages of the book. And, of course, HUGE hat tip to the folks at Red Mountain Spa and SingleEdition.com. Check out both of those sites. You never know … YOU might win something, too! Speaking of single stuff, I notice Single Edition just posted the Top 15 Comebacks to “Why are you still single”? on Facebook. Here’s the list:

1. What? And spoil my great sex life?
2. Why aren’t you dating/divorced yet?
3. It gives my mother/father something to live for.
4. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
5. Is this a proposal?
6. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
7. I’m waiting for you to get divorced so I can marry your wife/husband.
8. It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
9. The mail order bride/groom hasn’t arrived from Russia yet.
10. “I’m not done boozing and whoring”
11. Because having both a husband and a child would be redundant.
12. I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
13. I’m waiting for your son/daughter to turn 18.
14. Why settle for just one.
15. So I don’t have to cheat on my left hand.

Single people, if you often get asked “Why are you still single?” go to Facebook & and add a comeback to the list.

Technorati Tags: Bryce Canyon, contest, Ed McMahon, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, Red Mountain Spa, Single Edition, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines, winner, Zion National Park

The Big “O.” Orgasms. Mr. Poopy Pants a.k.a. Moebius was in New York over the weekend, and we met up for savory quiches, Pinot Grigio and red velvet cupcakes at Sweet Revenge. I think it’s been more than a year since we saw each other. He looks the same, perhaps a little thinner. He’s cute. He knows it. I’d describe him in detail, but that might give his “identity” away to longtime Funky Brown Chick readers and inflate his ego. So, moving right along … In conversation, “Moebius” and I agree on a lot of stuff but we also vehemently disagree. Take orgasms, for example. Question: When two people are in bed together, are both entitled to an orgasm if each desires and is able to have one? I’d say yes. If I’m in bed with a guy and I get him off, I typically want him to get me off too. It’s only fair. Moebius agrees. He says, basically, “When I’m in bed with a woman, I do everything I can to make her come.” Good boy. “But once she comes,” he adds, “my responsibility ends there. I’ve done my job. My work is finished. I’m going to sleep. If she wants another orgasm, that’s her responsibility. That’s what vibrators are for.” What. The Fuck??? If I’m in bed with a guy, I want him to please me as much as I desire to be pleased. And, I’m willing to do the same for him. I get off on getting guys off, and I usually wanna do it more than once. If he’s ready to go again, I’m almost aways good to go. If I’m dating a guy and he wakes me up by cuddling a not-so-subtle daytime erection against my warm body, believe me, it’s my pleasure to oblige.

“Everything from your nails to your orgasm is your responsibility,” counter-argues The Frisky. (I love that site.) “If he can’t handle the job, you should finish it off.” I agree. If he’s unable to do the job, I’m more than willing to take care of myself. That said, if I ask a dude to have sex with me, it’s because I crave his penis, fingertips and tongue pressed against every inch of my body. Shit, if I just wanted my hands and/or plastic & batteries, why the hell is the guy in my bed????? :) SIDENOTE: Seeeee, THIS is one of the many reasons I’m drawn to younger men; they’re quite happy to take care of me as much as I like.

It goes without saying: no one should be forced to do anything they don’t want to. If a guy simply isn’t in the mood, that’s fine. I’m strictly talking about guys who rebelliously feel they shouldn’t have to go the extra O. What say you, dear readers? During sex, after both partners have come once, who’s responsible for further pleasure?

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Credit paid: Red feather photo is by Kai Kuusik-Greenbaum

Technorati Tags: daytime erections, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, Moebius, multiple, nocturnal penile tumescence, NPT, orgasms, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines, vibrators

Watch a video of me hula hooping. (I had it embedded, but I removed it because I can’t stand autostart videos.)

Technorati Tags: BigAssPeaceHoop.com, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, hula hoop, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

Sweet baby Buddha on a 10-speed bicycle!! I gotta interrupt melancholic ruminations about my love life to answer NY friends & others who’ve asked me: “What the fuck is going on in Illinois?!?!” I’m a New Yorker now, but I was born with a couple corn cobs hanging from my mouth in the Land of Lincoln. One of my best friends in high school lived on a farm. I. Have. Milked. A. Damn. Cow. So, really, I have to talk about Rod Blagojevich today. It’s a de-facto Wanker Wednesday.

The Backgrounder: Illinois is corrupt. Seriously. Fucking New York sent “Scarface” Al Capone from Brooklyn to Chicago in 1923; by 1924, he was almost running the place — taking ownership of Cicero’s town council. Barack Obama’s original opponent for the IL senate seat, Jack Ryan, paid someone to stalk Obama. Under cover of night, Mayor Daley once secretly ordered wrecking crews to bulldoze huge X-shaped craters in a small aiport’s runway because (Chicago voters wishes be damned!!!) he wanted it closed. And, speaking of airports, you know Chicago “O’Hare” is named after the son of “Easy Eddie” O’Hare — a mob lawyer who willfully collaborated and made a fortune with Scarface. Later, O’Hare got in bed with the Feds to bring Capone down; the gangster gave O’Hare a Chicago-style “thank you” by having him gunned down in his car. In the past 40 years, I think 4 out of 8 (or, depending how you count, 3 out of 6 … doesn’t matter, it’s half either way) IL governors have had brushes with federal prison. I’m not sure any state can match that. Shit, even the saying “vote early, vote often” specifically refers to Illinois’ long history of politicians/gangsters manipulating votes. Be ye not fooled by the Midwestern smiles; Iraq is less of a political minefield than Springfield, Illinois. People, I’m telling you: There are gangsters in them there cornfields!!

NO ONE in Illinois is surprised about Blagojevich. No one!!! :) The man is goofy. What other statesman cusses more than Tony Soprano? (Blag on Obama: “Fuck him!”) Who the hell goes on The Daily Show without knowing it’s a comedy??? A year or two ago, when The Daily Show interviewer called Gov. Blagojevich “Gov. Smith” because he couldn’t pronounce his name, asked him to pretend he was a hot 17-year-old who needed contraceptives and questioned whether he was the real “gay Governor”, Blagojevich’s response was: “Is he teasing me, or is this legit?” Who does that??? “With all due respect to the governor,” said someone baffled by the incident, “he [had to know] it was a comedy show. It’s general knowledge for people under 90 years of age.” And, of course, the newest goofiness from G-Rod Blago … apparently, the guy tried to “sell” Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. The seat, he said, “is a fucking valuable thing, you don’t just give it away for free!” So, if anyone out there is still wondering: “What the hell is going on in Illinois?” The answer is what it has always been: “Politics as usual.”

Technorati Tags: Al Capone in Illinois, Barack Obama, Blago, Cicero, Daily Show, Daley machine, Easy Eddie O'Hare, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, G-Rod, Governor, Hines, Illinois, Jon Stewart, Rod Blagojevich, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

Today’s post is sexy & short because I’ve got other shit on my mind. Boy drama. Might share details later today. Or, tomorrow. Or, maybe, never. We’ll see how I feel about everything in a bit. Anyway, in the meantime, the new Manly Monday pick is a guy named Nick. If you read this post, you know I judged Jen Dziura’s First Annual Man Pageant over the weekend. Additional photos — including a couple of him sexily clad in underwear — are posted on my Flickr, Jen’s Flickr, Dacia’s Flickr and elsewhere online.

Um, yes, OF COURSE I noticed he’s cuddling a brown girl in one of his photos!!! Hot, right??!?! (Psssst, if you’re new on Funky Brown Chick today, read this, this, this and this.) Anyway. The best part of the man pageant? All the guys REALLY got into it. They serenaded us, tried to win our votes with flowers and beamed 100 watts brighter as we told them what we loved about their handsome faces, hard bodies and adorable talent competition segments for boxing, singing, poetry and comedy. I asked one of the guys, Michael, “So, is this your first time participating in a male beauty pageant?” He smiled, blushed and was like, “Um, yeah. I can pretty safely say this is the first time for all the guys here.” It was too cute! Job well done, boys.

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Credit paid: Nick’s modeling portfolio images appear online at Model Mayhem.

Technorati Tags: Asian men, black women asian men, blasian, Hines, Jen Dziura First Annual Man Pageant, Madame X, men I wanna make Blasians with, Model Mayhem, New York City, NYC, sexy asian man, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines

Tonight, I will judge the First Annual Man-Pageant hosted by Jen Dziura from www.jenisfamous.com — an awesome New York-based comedian and writer best known for orchestrating the Williamsburg Spelling Bee. (Psst! I once interviewed Jen for Gen Art. Read the article.) Because I’m so ridiculously excited to visually size up delicious hunks of man flesh, I’m live blogging the whole damn thing. Twitter streams from my fellow judges Nichelle Stephens, Audacia Ray and Judy McGuire are included within. To play it, click the green arrow shaped like a circle.

Technorati Tags: Audacia Ray, beauty, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Hines, Jen Dziura, Judy McGuire, man pageant, Men, Nichelle Stephens, Twanna, Twanna A. Hines