“[He] didn’t speak a word about condoms, and, in response, I didn’t either.” That’s from my friend Rachel Kramer Bussel‘s article, Dating Drama: No Glove, No Love? Not Always. What’s more? Another writer friend, Carolyn Castiglia confesses, “I’m not using them right now, either.” Current HIV/AIDS and STI rates in New York City warn the vast majority of reported chlamydia and gonorrhea cases are among women. Knowing Rach and Carolyn don’t wrap it up every time drives this sex educator crazy. I love them, and I want their little vaginas to be healthy.
I’ve taught hundreds of people how slip male and female prophylactics against penises and vaginas. Many use condoms. Adults who don’t often complain, But it feels different without one. True as that may be, guess what probably feels worse? Getting gonorrhea. I recently learned its nickname, “the clap,” likely comes from the Old French word clapier, meaning brothel. Somewhere a long time ago, a velvet beret-clad old Parisian dude named Jean-Pierre d’Oesti probably had a secret and jaunted to a teeny cafe near the Seine to share it with the tall handlebar-mustached bartender, Jacques Francois Mautadit Tabarnacle, who happened to be his best friend. Quietly, Jean-Pierre probably whispered to Jacques Francois, “Ca brule quand j’fais pipi. Il y a une sorte de merde verte qui sort de mon zizi et mes couilles sont enflés!” (English translation: It burns when I pee. There is some kind of green shit oozing out of my dick and my testicles are swollen.”) In response, Jacques Francois probably laughed. “Err, leet me guezz. You visited a, um, brothel?” Twirling mustache with forefinger and thumb, he continued, “Now you have … err … how you say … Le clap clap?! Oh, la la! Ah ha ha ha!” Thus, the slang was born! ;)
All kidding and French stereotypes aside, in addition to “the clap,” gonorrhea is also called “the drip” because that’s exactly what happens. If you contract gonorrhea, green shit might ooze out of your penis or vagina. That’s fucking gross. You don’t want that. So, I implore everyone out there bumping uglies, please keep your genitals safe. Wear condoms.
Teaching more than 50 men and women ages 21+ how to talk dirty while incorporating condoms into foreplay, last Saturday night, I performed my “Adults Only, Dirty Talk” condom demonstration as part of the Balls Out Comedy show at the Bowery Poetry Club. Sex education programs have to be incredibly audience specific. In classroom instruction, I keep condom demonstrations clinical/technical. It’s about How to Put On A Condom. Proper steps. No jokes. Why? There’s a difference between perfect use and typical use. From Guttmacher‘s first-use condom research we know, if you use a condom correctly, the failure rate is only about 2%. However, if you use it the way people typically use them–without checking the expiration date or looking for air tightness, without squeezing the tip, withdrawing without holding on to the end, etc.–the failure rate jumps to nearly 20%. Adults, don’t like being told, in essence, “Um, yeah, you don’t know how to put on a condom.” They know. Some simply choose not to. So, I teach those fabulous ladies and gentlemen pleasure-based techniques. At Saturday’s show, I grabbed a dude from the audience and made him hold a yellow banana in front of his penis as I taught the beer-sipping audience how to safely tear the plastic condom packet open with teeth, roll the rubber on a shaft with their mouths and/or while jerking him off, play with the guy’s balls, and talk dirty throughout the whole thing. We had a blast!
If this sounds fun, join me next time. You can catch me performing, educating and training throughout the New York metro area. Again, tone varies by topic and presentation. Apologies I didn’t post about Balls Out Comedy until after the fact. I’ve been super busy. Moving forward, for those who would like to attend, I’ll do a better job of posting relevant announcements on my site before the event. Subscribe to keep up with me, and link up on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.
