Esther Perel wrote one of those books. You know, the ones that rocket into the pop culture lexicon and — for better or worse — change the way we talk to each other about hooking up. The Game, The Ethical SlutFifty Shades of Grey, Sex at Dawn, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, books on Kama Sutra, and Esther’s sex book Mating in Captivity. Whether you like them or not, you’ve probably heard of them.

With so much sex advice, you’d think couples would be fucking each other All. The. Time. right? Nope. Sexless relationships and sexless marriages are pandemic. “Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise.” TED explains, “So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.” Watch the TED video: Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship.

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