Last night, I went to Cupcake Social 2.0 and Media Meshing. Mini cakes and beer all night long. I’m totally gonna have to kick it anorexic style for the next three weeks to get in shape for bikini season. I swear I think: If I weighed more, I’d be less attractive. If I weighed less, I’d be more attractive. No, I’m not a moron. And, yes, I already know that’s a fucked up attitude and I’m not even overweight. I’m thin by midwestern standards, and slightly “curvy” by Manhattan rule books. But, whatever. That is what it is. I’ll just say this: if I ever tip 125, I swear to Buddha I’ll start running miles around the track at Central Park — breathless, smelly clothes, feet pounding the path, drippy forehead and all — like a fucking mad woman. Why? Because insecurities are ugly.

Wait. What the hell was I talking about? Sorry for the fatphobic tangent there. I planned to talk about men with accents today, but then I got off track. I started talking about last night, the cupcakes, the beer, Central Park. Whatever. Okay, so, LAST NIGHT … After the cupcakes and beer, I went home and my phone started ringing at Booty Call O’clock. It was this British guy I went on a couple dates with several weeks ago. In recent weeks, he’s taken to calling and texting me in the midnight hour. One message said something like: “Fancy a small party?” Um, I take it that would be a party of five: me, him, his dick and his two round testicles. I didn’t call him back.

From a European man, The Angry German, who writes for Esquire:

Women seem to take the English accent as an aphrodisiac. I can say, “Hey, I work for an investment bank, have my own place, and write a column in Esquire magazine” and get no response. Whereas butt-ugly Mr. Winterbottom to my side says, “Hey, I am on parole and need to buy some coke — care to help me out?” As long as he says it with a Brit accent, it is guaranteed that she will go home with him and fund his cocaine addiction.

Smart. Funny. Sexy. God, I love Esquire. And, yes, I need to date better men. Anyway, read the rest of the Angry German’s rant here.

Technorati Tags: anorexia, bikinis, British boys, Cupcake Social 2.0, cupcakes, Esquire magazine, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, German men, Media Meshing, men with accents, pro-ana

Pick up a copy of Time Out New York. There’s a bunch of naked people everywhere because it’s their “Horny Issue.” I’m in the issue. Fret not; I’m not nude. I’m not necessarily saying I WOULDN’T have taken my clothes off for them. I’m just saying, you know, they didn’t ask me to do that. ;) But, they did ask me to turn them on in ten words or less *OR* with a haiku. I went the haiku route. I hadn’t written I one since I was forced write a 5-7-5 bit for a elementary school lesson back when I first learned what they were. Behold!!! Tell THAT to anyone who says poor, rural Mississippi elementary schools don’t teach important life skills. Learn how to write a haiku at age 9. Use that lesson to turn New Yorkers on when you’re a 30-something cougar with firm brown abs.

Anyway, so, for my first crack at it, I thought of saying something like this:

I’m thinking of you
Dark nipples standing erect
Wishing you’d come home

Pathetic, right? I told a few guys about it. Match politely told me that it just didn’t do anything for him. And BrianVan told me that it was [I'm quoting him here]: “mildly unsexy.” Nobody likes to be told that they aren’t sexy. And, that’s exactly how I took it; I thought it was ME not MY HAIKU that wasn’t sexy. Anyway, so, I tucked my insecurities away, manned up (ovaried up?) and took a crack at it again. I thanked the boys for their honesty because, truth be told, I’d given the haiku a halfass effort. “Stop acting like a jackass,” I told myself, “If you really wanna try to turn someone on, go with it full force. Don’t hold back.” So, I did. I wrote something up. Sent it to Time Out New York. And, the rest is history. Well, technically, it’s not history because it’s in the current issue. But whatever. Let’s just say “the rest is in print.” Read my haiku now. (Second one down.)

Many, many, many, many other lovely folks are in the issue as well. Speaking of folks who write sexy stuff … check out this picture of Jamye Waxman, Boinkology’s Lux Alptraum and me. Shout out to my friend Rachel for her cute little photography skills.

So, now it’s your turn to speak up. Don’t worry. I don’t expect any of you to write erotic haikus in the comment section. (But, by all means, please do if you have one burning inside of you!!!) Question of the day: What turns you on? What could a man (or woman) say to you to get you all hot and bothered?

Technorati Tags: erotic haikus, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, haiku, horny, Jamye Waxman, Lux Alptraum, naked, nudity, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Time Out New York

Today. It’s official: I’ve lived in New York for three years and three weeks. It doesn’t feel like I’ve been here that long. I should know my way around, but I still get lost (sometimes) when I’m walking the zigzag streets of Chinatown, Tribeca and the Financial District. I should be more jaded, but I can’t help it that I still smile when I see the Chrysler and Empire State buildings lit up at night. Don’t get me wrong, I have the tell tale signs of someone who’s been here for a while, too! Tourists piss me off, I complain about the way my neighborhood used to be before the gentrification waves rolled in and I say I’m standing “on line” instead of “in line.” Ooooh, let’s focus on that last point a bit. New Yorkers. You know they (we) have our own language, right?

Love the gems on YouTube! If you like Rain Noe’s clip above, you’ll LOVE the pilot his web sitcom, 72nd to Canal. From the website:

In New York, your salary is either more than you can imagine, or less than you can believe. 72nd to Canal is a sitcom set in downtown Manhattan, centered around the adventures of Lorin and Ray. Former college buddies who have lost touch with each other, Ray is a struggling freelancer scraping by on Canal Street; Lorin is a well-to-do lawyer living on the Upper West Side. As narrated through Ray’s video blog, their paths re-cross and disaster ensues ….

I tried to catch up with Rain here in the city so I could get more details about the show & have him weigh in on the NYC dating scene but, alas, he couldn’t be found.

Technorati Tags: 72 and Canal, 72nd to Canal, Chrysler building, Empire State building, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, New York City, Rain Noe

Yes, you’re right. No Manly Monday update today. I’ve got one cooking, but I’ll stick it up next Monday. Now for something completely different … I have good news. At 9:00am last Thursday morning, I twittered (tweeted?), “At someplace special. Details next week.” Immediately, a couple of my favorite Twitter followers — J Brotherlove, HauteinLA, intldiplomat and Papigiulio guessed where I was and/or chided me for being so vague:

jbrotherlove @funkybrownchick tease! 09:36 AM May 01, 2008

HauteinLA @funkybrownchick someplace special??? the suspense is killing me! 11:14 AM May 01, 2008

intldiplomat @funkybrownchick now that sounds interesting! 09:11 AM May 01, 2008

Papigiulio @funkybrownchick whose bedroom? :P 03:15 PM May 01, 2008

Special note to Papigiulio: I’m waaaaay less scandalous than that … except, of course, for the times when I’m not. ;) But, anyway … If I wasn’t in a handsome stranger’s bedroom, where was i? I was at work. Yep, you heard that right. At work. I accepted a new job, kiddies! I love love LOVE the new place. Full time. Benefits. AWESOME coworkers. That’s all I’m gonna say about that because, as you probably already know, I never blog work. So, that’s it. The Funky Brown Chick has her groove (and more income!) back. Now that I don’t have to stress about paying rent & bills, I can fully devote my energies to furthering my memoir and pushing out more freelance articles and book chapters. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to everything who sent me good karma on Facebook, encouraging emails, prayers and positive vibes. I’m 100% grateful and amazed by the continued support and kindness that I receive from folks who’ve never even met me.

Back to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

I have four personal email accounts — 1 for friends and family, 1 for this blog and 2 for business stuff. I’m on deadline for a piece about adultery that I really wanna turn in asap; after that, I’m gonna plow through my remaining email before Monday arrives. If I owe you a response to anything, you’ll have it soon. Apologies for the delay. Next week, I’ll explain everything. Fret not; it’s nothing earth shattering.

Having said that (and due to other responsibilities), I’ve given my myself permission to be lazy with the blog today. No words of goofdom. I’m just sharing a video. I presented Adult Conversations: Sex, Intimacy & Online Relationships at South by Southwest (SXSW) earlier this year. I don’t have that on tape, but Studio SX interviewed me the following day. The video is below. Psssst!! The British chick is Zoe Margolis from Girl with a One Track Mind. She’s great! :) By the way, if the video player below doesn’t work for you, here’s the direct link.

PS: Lifehacker — via blogger Chris Brogan — has a great post about taming your inbox(es). Gonna implement that over the weekend. If anyone else has any additional, tips, feel free to shoot them my way!!!

Technorati Tags: funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Girl with a One Track Mind, south by southwest, Studio SX, SXSW, Twanna, Zoe Margolis

Ah, Facebook! A sociologist / internet junkie, I’m totally obsessed with the thing because it combines two of my (many) loves: technology and interpersonal relationships.

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve reconnected with several people who I never thought I’d see again. Thankfully, of course. So, in high school, I wrote articles from the newspaper and yearbook, right? The photographer? Just friended me on Facebook. Now, he’s a big shot lawyer at a downtown Chicago firm. So, I went to college, right? I spent a year living and studying in Los Angeles. The roommate of that girl who had the friend who lived in that dorm? She googled me and found my blog and Facebook. I hadn’t seen her in ages!! She’s a mother now, and we’re talking about a possible visit — either me to LA or her to NYC — soon.

Oh, yeah, and that time I lived in Amsterdam? I just Facebook friended this Canadian guy I knew from back in the day. Follow me on that one? He lived in Canada. I lived in the US. Years ago, we became friends when we lived in Holland at the same time. Now, I’m back in the US. He’s back in Canada. But, out of the blue, we’re instantly reconnected via a website. What’s more? By looking at his Facebook photo albums, I automatically know what he’s done and where he traveled since I last saw him. I also know that he’s in a relationship. He’s married. I’ve not met his wife (they live in Canada), but I’ve seen her face all over his Facebook. Man, that site totally fascinates me. That’s all I’ve gotta say for today. If any of you have any thoughts or crazy stories about people you’ve “found” on Facebook, free to leave them in the comments section.

————
Shout out: Thanks for the YouTube clip, Andrea!

Shout out: If you’re an FBC reader, Facebook friend request me. Please fill in “We met on an oil rig, and we were lovers for 50 years!!!” in the “how did you meet” section. ;)

Technorati Tags: Amsterdam, Facebook, social networks

I’m single, therefore I date. Sometimes, I date online. I have a Nerve Personals account. (I boycotted eHarmony on principle because I thought they were anti-gay and had a limited view of who’s an acceptable smooching partner.) I’ve also tried Match, Lavalife, Salon and others. Anyway, after years of trial and error, I’ve gained a few insights and charted my own rules of the road when it comes to internet hookups and boyfriend hunting. A couple of you emailed me to ask, basically, “What are some safety tips for online dating sites?” I can’t say what works for everyone; here are five points that work for me:

1. I ignore guys who don’t post photos. Here’s a scenario: I post a pic. The guy doesn’t, but he still emails me and expects me to contact him. Maybe he’s ugly? Maybe he’s married or dating and doesn’t want to run the risk of being “discovered” online? Whatever the case, I’m not contacting him. Internet dating is already shady enough. Who needs random, faceless strangers?
2. I always go with my gut. Can’t really explain this one any more than that. Basically, if I get the feeling that something is off or not quite right about a guy, I trust my intuition.
3. I perform background checks. Facebook, MySpace, Uber, LinkedIn and every other social networking site (and blogs!) are making the small world even smaller. I google the shit out of everyone I date. If someone’s legit, their name, alias, or email address has an online trail somewhere. So, if I do a search and nothing comes up, I take it as a sign that the guy keeps his online persona completely separate from his offline life. Translation: he may be hiding something.
4. I stay really vague. I don’t really owe the guys that I meet online anything up front. If I don’t wanna give up personal information, I don’t. I’m a pro at two things in this area: (a) dodging questions from strangers and (b) kindly telling people when they’ve overstepped my boundaries:

DUDE: So, where do you live?
ME: I’m in the city. How about you?
DUDE: I live in Brooklyn. I used to live in Williamsburg, but then I moved to Fort Greene. Hey, I once saw Rosie Perez walking her dog. That was cool. Anyway, so, I moved again and now I’m over on the other end of Flatbush. I live at 200 Eastern Parkway now. Great area … Wait, where did you say you live?
ME: [smiles, touches dude’s knee under the table] I didn’t.

5. I assume every first online date is a serial killer until they prove themselves differently. Would I meet a serial killer alone in his home? No. Would I tell a serial killer where I worked and lived? Nuh-uh. Would I get into a car alone with a serial killer? No. You get the point. I try to temper Point #5 with Points #2 and #3 so that I don’t come across as I paranoid freakshow. (One could argue that I still come across as a paranoid freakshow anyway. But, that’s fine. I’m okay with that.)

So, that’s all sweeties. How about the rest of you? How often have you dated online? Do you have any additional points, suggestions, advice or funny stories that you’d like to add? If so, stick ‘em in the comments section.

———
Photo credit: Image of lovely, dovey frogs is from Bruno Sersocima in Goiânia, Goias, Brazil.

Technorati Tags: Bruno Sersocima, eharmony, internet safety, Lavalife.com, Match.com, online dating, Salon.com

Rewind to the weekend. I’m out with my friends Ify (African), Rochelle (black American) and Suja (Indian American?) — three brown women originally from different continents. At the end of the night, Suja has the brilliant idea to stop by Insomnia Cookies. Dependable, late night delivery and take out desserts. Delicious smells. Even more delicious tastes. How could you not love that place?! When it’s my turn to order, I choose a chocolate chip cookie with walnuts. “What kind of milk do you want with that?” the Latino guy behind the counter upsells me. “I like my milk like I like my men,” I joke. “White with no fat.” Bursts of laughter erupt from the three women in my group. The Latino cookie dealer doesn’t crack a smile. “He’s not touching that one with a ten foot pole,” Rochelle laughs. She knows I’m joking. The dude gives us our treats. We eat them. We go home. That random conversation doesn’t enter my mind again until I see a reader named Larry’s comment about yesterday’s Manly Monday pick.

Do all of your Manly Monday picks [have to be] white guys? Do you only date white guys? I am not criticizing, I am just curious if you do only date white guys. Does that make you racist towards other races of men? That is the topic of my podcast/blog this week so I am trying to get your input.
[redacted URL]

Oooh, interracial dating! I can talk about that shit for hours. But, before we go there, I wanna set the record straight about Manly Mondays just in case I have new FBC readers who may not already know this stuff:

1. I love men, so I created Manly Monday to give them a nod. All of them. :) Some MM picks are white (recently: Laird Hamilton and Paul Walker). Others — such as Lewis Hamilton, Denzel, Barack Obama, Morgan Freeman [shared with Casey Affleck for Gone Baby Gone], Stroger, and others — are not. And, as I mentioned the other day, the next Manly Monday is gonna be a sexy celebration of Asian Pacific American Heritage Month.
2. The spirit of MMs is a celebration of every Y chromosome thing, not just particular men. Foxtrot your eyeballs to the right. You’ll notice many popular Manly Monday posts are about general guy stuff such as “How to Hide an Erection,” “Should Men Wear Thongs?” and other lovely topics about the bedicked.

Now that we’ve got that cleared up, let’s move to a different subject. The personal stuff. The “do you only date white guys” stuff. (Pssst! I’ve already covered this here and here if you want more details …)

I’ve kissed, licked, sucked and bedded many sexy, delicious white dudes. Hell, I once told a French Canadian ex that I was gonna buy him a box of chocolate-covered cherries “to remember me.” I pictured him using his pink lips to apply pressure to the soft, brown candy’s shell until it gently opened — oozing sweet juices down his chin & revealing the soft, round cherry hidden inside. He liked the visual on that one.

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yeah … White dudes. Do I date them exclusively? Nope. I have a very loooong, extensive dating history. I’m not seeing anyone exclusively right now, but I’ve gone out with: white, black, Latino, Jewish, Middle Eastern, etc. etc. men.

“So, funky brown,” some of you might say. “If you don’t only date white guys, what was with the milk joke at Insomnia Cookies?”

Honestly? Shock value. (Juvenile, I know.) I was with a group of amazing women. It was the end of the night. Were were tipsy. I was feeling a little punchy; so, I wanted to put the dude behind the counter on his toes. For better or worse, the topic of interracial dating still has that effect.

—————————–

RELATED MEDIA:

Who gets down with the funky brown? Everybody. :) FUNKYBROWNCHICK.com readers are fiercely loyal and steadily growing in number. I love my readers! Approximately 72% are really cool peach folks (there are more peach people online), and the site attracts about twice the internet average for brown people. Asian, Latino and international visitors are steady regulars at the party, too. Full disclosure? Getting down with the funky brown has universal appeal, baby! :)

RELATED BOOK CHOICE OF THE DAY:

RELATED LINK OF THE DAY:

Loving Day: Celebrate the legalization of interracial couples.

————-

Photo credit: The ever-fabulous brown American photographer in the Netherlands, Rachel James, took the milk and cookies photo.

Technorati Tags: black women, chocolate-covered cherries, funky brown chick, funkybrownchick, Insomnia Cookies, interracial dating, Rachel James, Rainbow Fucking Queen, white dudes