Search Results : dating

May 152013
 

TRANSCRIPT: “Friendly Dating Advice” from Reverse Cowboys.

FRIENDS HIM HER
How was yoga, bitch? 

A date?!

No one still goes out on dates.

What is this, 1985?!

Yeah, let’s fire up the flux capacitor and go on a date, Zack Morris!

DINNER?!?!

He said it ironically, right?
Yeah, uhhh, like we should go on a date to the olive garden. Bet?

 

Guys don’t take girls out to dinner anymore. They invite you to their apartment to watch …

A movie on Netflix.

Or bring you to see his friend’s band play.

Or out shoplifting.

Spot him while he lifts weights.

Take a shot of whiskey and slap each other.

Go dancing in a club and let him rub his boner on you.

Or, to the bedroom for a casual encounter.

Let him, just, put stuff inside you.

Or, even better, if she brings two friends.

And then we can do a group thing at a bar so they’re less pressure on you.

 

HE’S weird

You know that girl I’ve been telling you about?

 

 

 

What’s wrong with asking a girl to dinner?

He asked me out on a date.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No. What’s the big deal?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know. That feels weird.

SUPER weird.Unless it’s sexy.

You should …Just forget about him. What do you say we fire up your OKCupid account

 

And reply to the first cute guy who says anything other than, “Heeeeey, sup?” Or…

“Need dick?”

YEAH! Say: “Need dick?!'”

 

 

 

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!

 

Make him leave a voicemail.

And then break it down and you’ll know how to respond.

What are you doing, man?

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhh!

 

 

 

FUCK

 

 

Sorry.

 

 

 

 

BOTH?

 

Pick you up?!

In what, a stagecoach?!

 

Is it weird for me to text her now? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know what? I’m just going to call her.

 

It’s ringing

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello?

 

 

SHH!

 

Hey, it’s Avery from yoga

 

So, I was thinking …

 

Great. I-I’ll pick you up at 8?

 

 

 

 

See ya.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s calling me right now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello?

 

 

SHH!

 

Hey

 

Yeah, dinner and a movie sounds

 

 

8 is perfect. See ya then.

 

 

See ya then!

 

 

Does s/he have any friends? 

 

There’s more after the credits, but I really like it better cut there.

Photo by Jack Snell

Photo by Jack Snell

Dec 302011
 

Online dating is like shopping at Forever 21. You have to sift through a bunch of crap before you find that one cute dress. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I recently test-drove HowAboutWe — a site that lets you suggest a date idea or tell someone you’d like to join them for their suggestion. Scanning dudes’ posts, I found a few, um, gems. HowAboutWe …

  • “Stay in and take in a good movie while we take in each other.”
  • “Go get stupid drunk and have blast. I only drink once a month so that one night is always fun.”
  • “Both dress up as Snooki and make out.”

Reading these suggested dates depresses me because it makes me the majority of people online are only looking for casual sex. As you likely already know, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with consenting adults hooking up. It’s just that I don’t need a website to get it. The “send” button on my cell phone works just fine. So, if I’m online dating, I’m looking for something a bit more than strictly sex. To be fair, some of the dates posted sounded interesting, including HowAboutWe …

Any date that involves me ripping meat open with my incisors will always sound like fun. I can’t help it; I’m Midwestern. So, a few weeks ago, I gave HowAboutWe a try by contacting dudes who suggested meatloving dates. Online, like offline, when dudes ask me out to a restaurant, movie, museum, bar, or whatever, I often let them take the lead on suggesting the venue. I’m easily entertained; I usually don’t care what we do. However, a friend who attends Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts suggested I should make a list of everything I want to do in New York and, whenever someone asks me out, see it as an opportunity to cross something off my list. (Mama Gena’s is a New York institution as much as a part of the city as yellow taxi cabs. If you’re not familiar with her, listen to a free audio sample that promises to fan the flame of your desires. You’re welcome.)

Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yes, online dating.

Instructables DIY laptop stand

In addition to link up with a few HowAboutWe guys who intrigued me with their date ideas, I posted a date idea or two of my own, including: How about we watch people skinny-dip at “Experience” at the New Museum? After living in New York nearly 7 years, it’s one of the few museums I had yet to visit. To my delight, a dude said he would like to join me. I was even more surprised when I found out we actually already knew each other through a mutual friend. We went Dutch at the museum and hung out for the day. I had fun! (NOTE: The exhibit’s slide is more intimidating than you’d think. I screamed like I motherfucking banshee on the way down.)

Cutting through the bullshit, online dating is often about finding someone with whom you can share your time, touch, lick, kiss, and/or possibly sleep with. So, yeah, if you’re interested in trying something different, I’d suggest giving HowAboutWe a try. After the free trial they gave me expired, I didn’t renew it; but, the experience was well worth it.

Sep 052011
 

I hope you’re all enjoying a relaxing start to the week! To kick (pun intended) things off right, let’s celebrate “Manly Monday” again, weekly festivities of everything with a dick. If you haven’t already heard, soccer beauty David Beckham is preemptively warning his newborn daughter Harper Seven Beckham‘s would-be suitors he is NOT going to put up with any shit!

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About her future dating life, he says boys should know she has “three brothers that will take her, three brothers that will eat with her and three brothers that will bring her back home to a dad waiting for her.” See? That’s a DILF! (via The Frisky)

Feb 172011
 

Parisian Love Lock

“It’s almost like a drug. It’s like your friend might say, ‘Well, you haven’t ever tried, you know, this drug. Why don’t you try it?'” And, then, you try it and you get hooked. You think it’s making you happy, but it’s not. I really don’t think it would be worth all of the pain. You know … Some people even commit suicide over [love]. And, I just don’t think that that’s a good think to get caught up into.”

Ah, these are the ones that usually fall the hardest! Would love to see this guy at 25. (This American Life clip courtesy Current TV.)

Dec 092010
 

In my writing / creative career, things are going well. Really well. Theoretically, I shouldn’t have anything to complain about. But, I will for a bit because I have to get something off my chest. Winter. Prone to depression, the cold weather, blistering winds and lack of sunny days really fucks with my mood. Inbox emails pile up. I fall behind on projects. I make stupid mistakes. I eat more than usual, and I gain weight. It’s as if my body is forcing its way into a slow, socially awkward lockdown for the winter. I recently read about hibernation. Why? Because, that’s we what geeks do. We have super-intense stare downs with Jimmy Wales while looking up random shit on Wikipedia :) Anyway. Digging online has taught me marmots go into hiding throughout much of September through May. They’re basically like, “Yeah, we’re not down with cold weather shit. We’ll pass.” I want to do that. Honestly, ideally, I’d live in New York City during the nicer months and move somewhere warm during the winters. But, I digress. I actually have a point about online dating for today’s blog post.

Over the years, I’ve tried a bunch of different sites. Match.com, Salon, Craigslist, Nerve Personals, J-Date, etc., etc. Photos trump words. If the guy looks like a douchebag, I won’t bother reading the profile. If his pictures are cute, I’ll click through. Granted, he doesn’t have to look like Gabriel Aubry or Eric Benét. But, I have to find him attractive.

“You need professional dating photos for the perfect online dating profile,” advertises a company called Dating Headshots. They wanted me to poke around their site and let you guys know about their services. Generally speaking, I disagree with them. No, you don’t need professional photos on your online dating profile. It looks cheesy. What’s more? I’d rather a guy look exactly like his image when he shows up, not a glamorized, airbrushed version of himself. But, who am I to knock their service before trying it? Plus, some of you — men and women — ARE fans of headshot pics. So, when Dating Headshots kindly told me they wanted me to try them out and offer all FUNKY BROWN CHICK® readers a 10% discount (your special code: 127287) on Silver and Gold Studio photo shoots, I figured I’d give them a whirl. I originally planned to get my hair & makeup done for the occassion, but I decided against it. I wore the same outfit, hairstyle and makeup from earlier that day. The photographer snapped a bunch of pictures. My favorites were the candid, full-length shots where his only instruction / question was, “Can you walk toward me?” He was cute. So, of course, I strut.

Photo by Aydin Arjomand

Photo by Aydin Arjomand

This is winter in New York City. Would I use the images on a dating profile? I’m not sure, but I like these shots — even though the images aren’t drenched in sunshine, and I’m not wearing a bikini. I think the pictures work because they’re simple. No bells. No whistles. No bright colors. No fancy settings. No cropping, touch ups, corrections or other alterations. It’s just me and Manhattan. Surprisingly, I like it! Maybe I’ll survive this “Winter Season” crap afterall.

Pssst! Again, if you decide to try Dating Headshots, remember FUNKY BROWN CHICK® folks get a 10% discount on some photo shoots. Use the code 127287. Contact them with any question. If you do it, let me know and show me your pictures!

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Photo credit: Dating Headshots photo by Aydin Arjomand.

Aug 252010
 

Yesterday, on my Facebook, I reposted Gizmodo’s article An iPhone App To Schedule and Graph Sex With All Your Girlfriends. (Presumably, straight women and gay men can use it too, so it’s really for tracking all partners — not just girlfriends.) Called DateMate, it’s available for $2.99 here. I think I’m turning into a sap because I don’t like it. At all :( This video shows how the app works in case you’ve not yet heard about it.

A FUNKY BROWN CHICK® reader named Mike asks, “Is it really that much different than using Google Calendar to schedule social time? Putting things like ‘how much sex do I get’ into hard numbers is a little bit crass, but it is a quantitative measurement,” he explains. “[H]ow else would you keep track of information, except to put a number or some kind of value to it?” Very good questions and valid points.

My daily schedule’s kind of hectic. So, I’m addicted to Google Calendar. Without it, I’d have no clue where I was supposed to be, when I should be there and who to expect once I arrived. BUT … My love life? Much more stable. If you’ve read 101 Things That Are Totally Twanna, you know I’m a romantic — an incurable, soulful idealist who would rather be monogamous with one guy at a time. That’s not to say I don’t support others’ right to choose poly, open and other relationships. I also support women (and men’s) right to slut it up. It’s just … for me, for right now … it’s not my personal preference.

My velvet has a velvet rope barring entry; it’s a very exclusive club. I need to feel cared for — not just fucked. It only took one guy — many years ago — to completely spoil me for all others. Once I was loved fully and completely, it taught me how to care for others. Ever since, I want to date guys who remember my birthday, call or text me to say they miss me otherwise treat me as well as I deserve to be treated. Before, if I was dating a guy and he fell ill, I’d stay away until he got better and complain, “Don’t get me sick!” Now, if the guy I’m dating doesn’t feel well, I bring him soup. I’m just not interested in dating men who are seeing (and sleeping with) so many women at the same time that they need an app to measure it all. Or, to quote my friend Samhita, “Sex is just sex. That’s not the real shit. That’s not like getting real deep with one person.”

Anyway. Back to DateMate. I wonder if the app will be a bigger financial success that the software is. Available for $19.95 on CNET’s Download.com since 2007, the software has only been purchased 4 times in the last week plus an additional 254 since they started selling the product. If I’ve done the math correctly, that averages less than $5 per day in sales. By comparison, if the app sells only twice at $2.99, it would generate 26% more cash in one day. Hmmm, no wonder so many companies are selling cheap dating apps! ;) See: Fast Company’s 10 Best iPhone Apps for Dating.

Those are my thoughts. Feel free to use the comments section to share yours.

Jul 222010
 

[Note: This post is about men; however, see this comment about women. Equal opportunity lies :) Carry on.] AskMen.com recently completed a big fat survey of the modern man. Is he satisfied with his sex life? Would he cheat if he knew he wouldn’t get caught? Is he romantic? Among their findings … The majority of American men prefers C-cup breasts (52%), has never had a threesome but wants to (60%) and desires to get married (74%). What’s more? A full 48% said they would dump a girlfriend if she became fat, and 32% of guys have faked an orgasm.

When completing quantitative social statistics courses for my masters, one of my professors constantly reminded: There’s often a discrepancy between what individuals believe they do, what they say they do and what they actually do. Want real-life examples of this? Sign up for online dating. I’ve done Match, JDate, Nerve personals and a bunch of other sites. On on more than one occasion, I’ve had guys show up for the date and I didn’t even recognize them because they looked so incredibly different from the picture they posted. If you’d like to learn more about what men actually do when they’re looking for women online, free online dating site OK Cupid compiled observations and statistics from millions of user interactions. For what it’s worth, 64% of the men surveyed on AskMen.com said they’d never met a woman online. That could mean AskMen.com dudes aren’t the kind of folks you’d find listed on OK Cupid so the data below don’t apply. Or, it could mean AskMen.com guys have signed up for sites like OK Cupid, but they didn’t meet anyone. Or, it could indicate something else entirely. Anyway, here are a quick summary of a few items reported in OK Cupid’s The Big Lies People Tell In Online Dating.

MEN LIE ABOUT THEIR HEIGHT

The average American male height is 5 ft 9 1⁄2 in. (That’s 1.763 m for the international folks.) In the graph below, OK Cupid compared this against what dudes say in their online dating profiles and voila! Surprise, surprise. Men lie about their height. What’s more? The taller they are, the more likely they are to round up. A 5’10” man might say he’s 6’0″. To be fair, I’ve lied about my height on online dating profiles too. I’m 5 ft 5 1⁄2. However, given I prefer guys my height or taller, I say I’m 5’7″ because I almost always wear heels on the first date; I want meet the guy eye to eye.

“Do taller guys have more sex?”

Interestingly, OK Cupid says the taller the guy, the more likely he is to have sex. Though, if a dude is lying about his height online, it’s possible he’s lying about his number of sex partners, too. That said, I can believe tall dudes score more action simply because it’s easier for them. When I meet REALLY tall guys, I immediately think: He must have a big dick. No matter how many times this has proved be untrue, it’s still the first thing that comes to mind when I see a 6’0″ or taller dude. Big. Dick.

MEN LIE ABOUT WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE

I once wrote a “You Should Look Like Your Fucking Photo” rant about guys who post old photos of themselves on Match and elsewhere. Here’s a tip … Want to know how old a guy’s online dating profile pictures are? Right click the image to download and save it. Open it in your favorite photo browser and click “properties” or “settings” or whatever to access the file’s digital information. If he’s got a decent camera, the EXIF metadata will tell you when the picture was taken. Although I don’t think my face or body has changed much in the past years, I’ve always made a point to post recent, non-professional snapshots when I was on Match and other dating sites. After all, the whole point is to show the dude what I look like now.

MEN LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE

On rare occasions, I’ve asked dudes to show me their ID on dates. You’d be surprised how often men lie about their age.

MEN LIE ABOUT THEIR SEXUALITY

“I didn’t know how to perform oral sex properly until one of my exes — a bisexual man with many many years of dick slurping experience — showed me how.”

A couple of my exes are bisexual. I’ve been interviewed for documentaries on bisexual men such as Arielle Loren’s The Bi-deology Project. If you’re interested in learning more, here on FUNKY BROWN CHICK®, I’ve written Straight Woman Dating Bisexual / Bi Curious Guys as well as A Few More Thoughts About Bisexual Guys. Generally speaking, I don’t care if a guy is bi. On the contrary, guy-on-guy action turns me on. Some bisexual guys aren’t completely comfortable with their status and, therefore, lie to their partners. In fact, OK Cupid said their user data on bisexual dudes is so fascinating that it warrants a full study if its own. Once it’s published, you can be sure I’ll write a post about it.

Okay, so I’ve told you about a few things I’ve experienced with men who lie on their online dating profiles. Men, women, if any you have funny stories about catching someone stretch the truth in their online dating profile, feel free to share the details in the comments section below.

May 062010
 

Since yesterday’s post was about sex, I figured I’d follow it up with a post about sexual identity. When I met filmmaker Arielle Loren, I was excited to hear about THE BI-DEOLOGY PROJECT, a documentary series about straight women who have dated bisexual men. If you’ve read Straight Woman Dating Bisexual / Bi Curious Guys and yet A Few More Thoughts About Bisexual Guys, you know a couple of my exes were/are bisexual.

At New York University, Arielle’s senior thesis was titled “Proper Heterosexism: African-American Female Voices in the Media on African-American Male Bisexuality and the Down Low.” Or, to translate to non-academia speak: “Hating: What Brown Women in Media Say about Brown-on-Brown-Cock-on-Vagina-on-Cock.” Either way you slice it, here’s the first installment of Arielle‘s ongoing film series. For the record, I’m a non-hater. So — as you’ll probably gather once you watch the full video below — the snippet in the beginning where I say something like “Aren’t you afraid of diseases?” was me telling the camera what women have asked when I mention bisexual exes. As I’ve said before, boinking with an HIV- bisexual man’s condom-wrapped penis is much safer than barebacking it with an HIV+ straight dude. But, enough about me. On with the much-needed bisexuality resource film about bisexuality lifestyle.

Mar 232010
 

Last month I wrote, I didn’t know how to perform oral sex properly until one of my exes — a bisexual man with many many years of delicious dick slurping experience — showed me how. Several of you emailed me (and a few friends directly asked) about that comment. Yes, I’ve dated bisexual men. A few. My first was a boyfriend from university days. He asked me out. I told him I thought he was gay. He responded, “Everyone thinks that.” So, of course, I asked, “Are you?” He said no. When I asked, “But, how many men have slept with?” His response was “four.” That’s when I learned people typically only answer the questions you ask them. If you ask a man, “Are you gay?” or “Are you on the down low?” the answer might be “no” if he doesn’t want to believe he is. So, now, I ask dudes, “If you could harmlessly fantasize about having sex with a man, what would that look like?” The answers are often very very juicy. It’s a conversation starter that leads to more intimate discussions about what same-sex experiences they’ve already had and/or which one’s they’re open to experiencing.

bisexuals: they do exist!

I don’t solely believe in strictly gay, straight and bisexual men. By that, I mean I don’t think guys are all 100% exclusively attracted to other guys OR 100% exclusively attracted to women OR exactly 50% into dudes / 50% into the ladies. Another one of my exes — though he’d never slept with a man (at that time) — said he wouldn’t feel his life was complete if he left the earth without being anally penetrated by another dude. To be clear, each of my bisexual guys probably wouldn’t have told me ANY of this stuff if: (1) I hadn’t asked them and (2) I didn’t communicate I would not — under absolutely any circumstance — judge them based on what they told me. So, when other women tell me they’ve never dated a bisexual guy, I usually respond, “At least not to your knowledge.”

At home, I have an original, green cloth copy of Kinsey, Pomeroy & Martin‘s 1948 edition of “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male.” (Amazing what retiring sociology professors give away to their students.) The book is actually a really good read. You can buy a copy on Amazon or read it online at Google Books. In writing about his Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, Kinsey said, “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual [...] The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats [...] The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.” When Kinsey asked men about their sexual orientation, answers ranged from:

  • Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
  • Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
  • Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
  • Equally heterosexual and homosexual
  • Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
  • Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
  • Exclusively homosexual

Fifty-two years after that study, it’s really hard for some men to admit they’re bisexual. For the most part, straight women (and many gay men) assume bi guys are really GAY … but they just haven’t, you know, totally come out of the closet yet. In fact, the first bisexual/ bi curious dude I dated mentioned this bias. Years after we broke up, he said he’d gone back to dating men exclusively because it was easier; no one challenged his sexual identity when he neatly fit within the gay box. He actually told me, “After you, Twanna, I never dated another woman again.” Wasn’t quite sure how to interpret that — i.e. either I was so much woman that he didn’t need to experience others anymore or I was so neurotic that he decided to give up vaginas for good. I’m okay with either :) Anyway. Pity he’s not into boobs anymore. Saw his pictures on Facebook and he’s fucking HOT now. Six pack abs. Sexy smile. Looks even better than he did when he only dated women.

If you’re a straight woman and you’ve had experience — either positive or negative — with discovering your lover (married or single) was bisexual, please use the comment section below to tell us about it. If you’re a gay, straight or bi dude, I’d love to hear your thoughts as well. As a guy, do you think it’s still much easy for women to be bisexual than men? And, if so, why is that STILL the case in 2010? Feel free to share your dudely or womanly thoughts on bisexuality.

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Image by Caitlin Childs